Haven’t been blogging for a while. Not really because there’s nothing to give thanks for but was just overcome by pure laziness over the past few months, and often things were complex enough such that I didn’t know how to phrase my thoughts without letting someone’s identity loose.
But many things have been going through my mind. Yeah well, the breakup happened. we are not exactly done because I still have to settle the flat and all. But I do feel that I am finally learning to stand on my own two feet. Finally being forced to be who I was supposed to be rather than just having someone comfortable to rely and depend on. I guess many of my ‘failures’ surround that – I used to have someone to follow and to hide behind with ease. So that I can walk in his shadow and help him to chase his dreams rather than my own. Because having my own dream to pursue can be really hard work. And I guess I was afraid of putting all that work. But it is only now that I realised, with that hard work, also comes a lot of satisfaction, meaning and sense of fulfilment. It’s been the first time in forever that I have been discovering how comfortable I can be when I am left to be myself. The freedom to pursue anything, the ability to dream anything and the drive to chase it.
Thanking God for the breakup because I seem to have found a side of myself that I never knew existed, or rather, never allowed it to surface. And I am starting to see how I can bless or reach out to others just by being myself. It’s all pretty cool and I am really enjoying the journey.
But I got to be really careful not to lose sight of God and just be too self-absorbed in this comfort. I feel like I may be getting too used to this freedom and lack of restraint that I just became downright undisciplined and a lot less motivated to seek God.
In fact, with the recent happenings, I actually do feel like I have become kinda complacent and….. like I am taking things into my own hands, and taking God for granted. Seeing and feeling myself gradually sinking into that state really scares me.
My experience with God has been real enough for me to be afraid of losing him. Even if it is fear only in the mind and not in the heart, it is real solid fear. I cannot lose God – and I want to get that passion back. It is in my deeds and deeply embedded in my mind but I am really not sure how convicted my heart is. But, I wonder if that’s really important.. since I guess, we never really know when the mind ends and the heart begins. But I want to chase God again.
I am blogging this from the comfort of Abner’s condo. It’s his 21st, I was invited. Socialised a bit but I have a few recurring questions running in my mind… so I am not really interested in the entertainment or the socialising. Maybe just not tonight.
I am questioning certain things I have done as a spiritual mentor, and thinking if I can do more for my kids, or rather, just people I care about in general. There are always reasons to be disappointed in a church, and sometimes we just try and escape by staying out of harm’s way. But what about the argument which says ‘you got to stay to be the change you want to see?’
I guess I have done both when I felt the situation called for it. I guess I only suddenly really feel disturbed about it because I think I may have made the wrong call. I tell them ‘stay, or go in, be the change you want to see.’ But I ended up running away from the very thing I wanted them to face with courage and determination and all the bloody beautiful and noble words you can think of. Am I a coward? Does it make sense that I am supposed to be a spiritual mentor?
I guess it’s all fine and okay if I am not in a situation to enter or am barred from entering or well, you get the idea. But well, I am pretty sure I could go in and support my own people in this battle. Because it really really hurts me to see them fighting and trying to pull people up, while for me, as someone who is responsible for them and having the ability/maturity/determination to help them cope with this……but yet I choose to run somewhere else for my own sake.. I don’t feel good about it.
Praying… but also thankful for this challenge. I kinda like challenges because I know I will be stronger and closer to God at the end of it. Okay, I totally got caught trying to slip away into my own space. So I got to go back now.. till then. Give thanks!!