Words and Intentions

This morning I had to report to the Singapore Sands Hotel for work. Yeah yeah, you know, cool high class place and all. But nothing is very cool to me, if I have to wake up at 530am to get there.

It was a rather rainy morning, and strong winds were blowing when I reached the roof terrace. For those who do not know, I am a research assistant with National Parks Board and National University of Singapore. My job requires that I visit various rooftop gardens in Singapore, and record the species of birds and butterflies that utilize or enter the garden. From that, you probably would have guessed why rain is extremely bad news for me. I would have to cancel the survey and return another day. Having many consecutive rainy days really messes up my schedule as it is ideal that the monthly surveys for each site is reasonably spaced out.

Since I don’t know when, I developed a habit of saying a short prayer to the Lord before every morning survey. Thanksgiving for the job, and my safety getting there, and also to commit the weather into His hands. I love it that my work is dependent on God and what He provides for the weather. Stories for another time. So anyway, I did the same prayer today, but I still feared.

I didn’t know I feared until I decided to check the 8am NEA weather forecast. It is a 3-hour nowcast, and is usually a pretty good gauge I use when outdoors. I checked it when I woke up, and it showed ‘showers’ in the region. I was a bit afraid that it will be a waste of time today, but I headed out anyway. By 8am, the forecast showed ‘slightly cloudy’. It didn’t seem like it would rain in the next 3 hours. That instant wave of relief that swept over me uncontrollably shocked me. I don’t think I trusted God much today. The relief wasn’t because I thought God granted me what I wanted, but because I felt that phew, the weather wasn’t going to let me down today.

Well, I feel uneasy, I haven’t sorted it out in my mind yet. But why are we so weak? Why are we humans unable to even understand ourselves?

If the weather didn’t came through and I had to cancel my survey, I would still say God is God. But my doubt scared me more. How sure was I when I say that daily prayer to commit all into His hands? How I wish I could be sure that I can mean whatever I say, because many times, I only say what I want to mean.

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