Why can’t I simply care less? Can I just really not care?

I sincerely thought with all my heart that I could just get over it by doing lame stuff like watching drama series, but now that the problem is out in the open, I feel like everything I do is an attempt to block the horrible feelings of unrest and shame out.

I am not in the mood to do anything now. I don’t even want to talk to God, not directly anyway. He already knows everything and He knows I am just speechless and hurting.

Shall just wait for His timing.

Why can’t I simply care less? Can I just really not care? Stupid questions I will never know the answer to because I am such an idiot when it comes to things like that.

I still want to worship

I go to this thing almost every friday night. It has always been a night of music and worship and a lot of fun for me. But lately, I am losing it, and I don’t know why.

Something went wrong somewhere. Something wrong in me, that is. I don’t see others struggling with that. But I always find myself kinda lost and unsettled after the night ends.

I spoke to my supposed good friend about it, but he left the conversation dangling halfway and left me feeling quite disappointed in him. Ah wells. But I guess it can be frustrating talking to someone who only has her feelings to show for it. No explanations, no conjectures, no suggestions, nothing. But I just cannot shake off that feeling of unrest.

And interestingly, what I think is a way to cope with it would be to go home and play my piano. No, I do not want to play the guitar, I do not want to hear my own singing voice, I just want to play the piano. To play a worship song and imagine myself in a band doing all the improvisations I have been flipping in my mind a hundred times without an avenue to try out. But it’s late at night now. I can’t.

I am only left with my feelings of unrest and this itch in my fingers to worship. It’s okay, I will get over it like I did the previous times. I don’t have to figure out why either. I just got to hand it to God, and tell him I want to worship so badly through my music, but I no longer know how, and if I could ask for the knowledge of anything right now, I want to know how to use my fingers on the piano in a way that honors Him, and blesses all who hear it.

I am nowhere near that standard. But I still want to worship. It’s not about itching to play to boost my self-esteem or to try out new/cool improvisations, but itching to worship Him through music that I create with my own fingers, and a soul who longs after Him.

Question: What if you were mentored by someone in a skill where your mentor is not enthusiastic about that skill he/she is imparting you??

I don’t feel ashamed that I want to play, but I am starting to feel as if I should be.

worship and music

😦

I have been wanting to do something more for God with my mediocre musical talents. That’s why I have been dabbling with all these music stuff and all. A small dream of mine – to set up a Youtube channel and share God with others through our music. Like, our own music. Our very own creations. Our very songs of praise to God.

Worship can really just be that simple I guess. Just giving your all, wherever you are, whatever you have etc. Recently, something upsetting happened.. Well, I consider it upsetting. Haha. I was asked to help out for a Youtube channel (even though I had already created my own, and was planning to work on that either way), and there were so many restrictions and so many different agendas, all of which so just vastly different from what I had in mind, and during the very initial discussions, I felt like I had to be subjected to what they wanted. At first I was quite excited and eager to have a team assembled to do this together, meaning I wouldn’t have to think too much about my own recruitment, or planning, or even funding (not that we really needed it for such a project). But as time went by, it got increasingly uncomfortable because I was compromising on my ideals, and as the leadership was confirmed, I was certain I won’t have the freedom I had to explore music and worship. It was a bit patronizing when they said I couldn’t be included anyway because I wasn’t a member of the youth worship team (though I am a member of the adult worship team), and if I was really so passionate about music, I could just go create my own channel. -.-”

Umm. That totally missed the point, and it hurt.

Oh wells. Back on my own, and may the Lord rise up like-minded people too. Currently waiting for a reply from my dear friend – shall text him again after he ends his lessons.

难道上天堂不好吗?

这不是因为我脑袋又浮起想自杀的念头。我已经好久没想过自杀这件事。

只不过在看韩剧的当时,剧中的小孩他的小兔死了 - 他问了医生 ‘小兔是不是上了天堂?’

那小孩有先天的自闭症,和其他的孩子有些不一样。爸爸就因为不理解,也不能体会,所以经常拿妈妈,哥哥还有孩子来出气。拼命喊打喊杀的。兔子在其中一次的混乱中被打死了。与其在这样的环境生存,我想我宁可让兔子上天堂吧。

死亡一定是坏的吗?死亡也可以是一种释放吧,但我想死亡也是属于我们天父上帝的。只要有那么一点点的生命气息,就一定有在这个世界所要完成的事。因为上帝给了我新的生命,新的盼望,我要珍惜在这里的时间。我能做什么?渺小的人类又能做什么呢?

老实说,如果没有这位上帝,我真的觉得这个世界太无聊了, 太没意思了。所以因为祂,我要活着。

但是我也很盼望回天家的那一天。你们口中那充满悲哀的死亡,是我心中的充满喜乐的天堂。

直到祂领我回去之间,我要在这里做光做盐,把神所赐的喜乐和爱带给他们。

只要是我渺小的生命所触摸得到的,就要努力地赞美祂。

I should really be asleep by now..

I have no idea why, but I am just really very unsettled since I came home from work.

Maybe it was the extreme fatigue I felt after returning home, maybe it was having to pull myself out of my afternoon nap to buy dinner, maybe it was those emails from my boss, maybe it was the prospect of having to tuition my two boys for the next two days, maybe it was tiresome having to try and find people to do something I wanted so badly to do myself but didn’t have the skills to and having to convince people to try and do something nice and meaningful (I dislike this), maybe it was attempting to explain certain things over WhatsApp (I really dislike this too), maybe it was having to coordinate between people who don’t check their messages and don’t get the simplest ideas (okay, maybe it’s this, my blood pressure just went up), maybe it was feeling obliged to witness a proposal…

I think the last item on this list really distracted from everything I was doing. I couldn’t focus on anything after that. It is not out of excitement. It is this strange feeling of discomfort and hesitation. I wonder if it’s because I am still healing from my breakup – whether I think I am okay or not. But whatever it is, it really dug up some memories (both pleasant and unpleasant) and I don’t think I want to get too emotionally affected by it. I am too physically tired to fight it or face it like I should.

Just having a really heavy heart now, and I can’t really explain why. My week will be short, but I don’t think I will be enjoying the next 2 days. I can’t wait for Friday to come. I won’t be working and I got things to do. I am going to meet up with a junior for yoguru, chat about our dreams for shining light into this world we live in, bask in worship, teach people how to sing and play the keyboard, and then, record my latest song.

Oh, and I think it’s also because I am sick. Having a bad sore throat, and desperate to recover by Friday so I can sing and record my new song properly. My energy level is so low because the sore throat causes so much discomfort, and it stops me from composing, because I need to sing my melodies out first. Now, I can’t even control my own voice very well.

Okay. I should turn in. I need to rejoice, for every day is made by the Lord, and my Lord is so good.

Rejoice. Rejoice. Rejoice.

Saturday nights – the simplest things

I love Saturdays like this.

Just hanging out with people I love and talking about anything and everything under the sun. Being myself, sharing stories, playing silly games and laughing at each other. Not exactly the group I would go to when something big happens to me in life, but I am thankful for every single one, and at the very least, the joy they have brought me today. I am amazed at how much I love my church juniors, and how I can’t seem to stop talking and thinking about them. They are such a great part of my life, and a part I do not want to let go of, at least for now. God has given them to me and only He can take them away or move me to somewhere else.

As much as they have been a blessing to me, I hope I have been one to them also. And I do pray that they look beneath the occasionally cheery or angsty or blonde or eunice-mode vivien and see the vivien who is just… really quite simple.

And somehow today, I talked a lot about my almost-turned-fiance ex-boyfriend and the memories we used to share. No, I do not wish for anything more between us at the moment. But I think I am finally learning to let go, and let both of us fight for what we want in life, in our own separate ways. At the same time, I also recognize he is a part of my past. A past that I am not always proud of, a past that left me feeling so lost and miserable at times, but always thankful that God was with me throughout the entire journey, silently but surely. I gave up a lot yes, but I believe I am pursuing something simpler, but better.

But I really really want to get married. Even when I was still attached, I really did want to get married. I wanted to move on in life, to the next stage. I guess, singlehood really feels like a gap phase, where it feels as if I am not doing anything ‘constructive’ or ‘productive’ (or ‘reproductive’ HAHAHA). I don’t deny that I really want to get married and start a family of my own. But God has taught me to wait, for the right one to come along. I don’t know if I am imagining things (I probably am, according to that book I just finished), but I feel like God is already preparing someone for me. And it will be so awesome when things come together in His plan. Not that if I don’t feel it then God isn’t working, but hey, I really can’t shake off that feeling that God wants me to wait. He seems to be teaching me that singlehood is not a gap phase. Because I am His child, because He has things He wants me to do, because He has people He wants me to love – it is not a gap, it is a journey, and with Him in the driver seat, we are on the move, and perhaps moving faster than I have ever been (or perhaps ever will be) moving all my life.

With all these thoughts in my mind, it is apparent to me that, the best things in life come free, but they are costly to give as well. Someone has to pay that price. And boy am I glad the Lord has paid mine. So now, I can go out and give and love and get hurt and He will be there to catch me when I fall.

See, I know all that in my mind. It is head knowledge. It is logic. It makes so much sense. But I am having some great reservations about loving this brother who has been very important to me in recent months, walking me through my breakup and all. I am sincerely lost about how to keep this friendship and love him and not getting myself hurt or abused in the process. It is never easy to talk about the difficult stuff, but well, if your friendship can’t live through stuff like this, it’s probably advisable to let go a bit. Not just to protect yourself, but I guess sometimes keeping distance may be the best way of loving someone.

The best things in life are simple, they come free to us, but they are really really really really costly to give. </3

Got to learn man, got to learn to love like Jesus.