I love Saturdays like this.
Just hanging out with people I love and talking about anything and everything under the sun. Being myself, sharing stories, playing silly games and laughing at each other. Not exactly the group I would go to when something big happens to me in life, but I am thankful for every single one, and at the very least, the joy they have brought me today. I am amazed at how much I love my church juniors, and how I can’t seem to stop talking and thinking about them. They are such a great part of my life, and a part I do not want to let go of, at least for now. God has given them to me and only He can take them away or move me to somewhere else.
As much as they have been a blessing to me, I hope I have been one to them also. And I do pray that they look beneath the occasionally cheery or angsty or blonde or eunice-mode vivien and see the vivien who is just… really quite simple.
And somehow today, I talked a lot about my almost-turned-fiance ex-boyfriend and the memories we used to share. No, I do not wish for anything more between us at the moment. But I think I am finally learning to let go, and let both of us fight for what we want in life, in our own separate ways. At the same time, I also recognize he is a part of my past. A past that I am not always proud of, a past that left me feeling so lost and miserable at times, but always thankful that God was with me throughout the entire journey, silently but surely. I gave up a lot yes, but I believe I am pursuing something simpler, but better.
But I really really want to get married. Even when I was still attached, I really did want to get married. I wanted to move on in life, to the next stage. I guess, singlehood really feels like a gap phase, where it feels as if I am not doing anything ‘constructive’ or ‘productive’ (or ‘reproductive’ HAHAHA). I don’t deny that I really want to get married and start a family of my own. But God has taught me to wait, for the right one to come along. I don’t know if I am imagining things (I probably am, according to that book I just finished), but I feel like God is already preparing someone for me. And it will be so awesome when things come together in His plan. Not that if I don’t feel it then God isn’t working, but hey, I really can’t shake off that feeling that God wants me to wait. He seems to be teaching me that singlehood is not a gap phase. Because I am His child, because He has things He wants me to do, because He has people He wants me to love – it is not a gap, it is a journey, and with Him in the driver seat, we are on the move, and perhaps moving faster than I have ever been (or perhaps ever will be) moving all my life.
With all these thoughts in my mind, it is apparent to me that, the best things in life come free, but they are costly to give as well. Someone has to pay that price. And boy am I glad the Lord has paid mine. So now, I can go out and give and love and get hurt and He will be there to catch me when I fall.
See, I know all that in my mind. It is head knowledge. It is logic. It makes so much sense. But I am having some great reservations about loving this brother who has been very important to me in recent months, walking me through my breakup and all. I am sincerely lost about how to keep this friendship and love him and not getting myself hurt or abused in the process. It is never easy to talk about the difficult stuff, but well, if your friendship can’t live through stuff like this, it’s probably advisable to let go a bit. Not just to protect yourself, but I guess sometimes keeping distance may be the best way of loving someone.
The best things in life are simple, they come free to us, but they are really really really really costly to give. </3
Got to learn man, got to learn to love like Jesus.