thanksgiving!

Simple love.

Had to work in the morning. Bad news because I had to wake up really early, good news because I forgot how good it feels to spend 5 hours alone by myself, and being free to speak/rant to God the entire time. It is beyond description. I am not exactly proud of being anti-social. I shuttle between both extremes, I can’t do without either, especially the part about being a loner. Still nothing to be proud of; it is potentially very problematic, haha. But today, I really needed the alone time and I felt myself exit the Huge Vortex Of Negativity (see previous post to discover why).

Had Bible Study for the small cell. It was interestingly, an all boys cell with me as their leader. Hahahaha. I absolutely love these boys – all of them so loveable in their own way. I am so thankful for the chance to watch them grow with each other, especially without me. It is such a pleasure watching God work in them. They even prayed for the two absent girls today. ❤ Hard to show favouritism really. I felt like we had a really fruitful discussion about God’s will. Rather than intellectually stimulating, it was a load of gentle reminders and silent whispers of amazement because God is so good! 🙂

Had worship practice after that, and I am thankful for my young keyboardist. Well, actually I don’t know why I am thankful because I felt like she didn’t really prepare and I had to juggle vocals and teaching her. But I just felt like being harsh was not going to help, and I didn’t feel like being harsh anyway. If she learns anything at all from today’s session, I should be thankful. I do not mean this in a sarcastic manner – I am just thankful and full of joy for the chance to teach and be with her. I do hope God can work through and in this relationship. 🙂

Had a good heart-to-heart chat with Jingxin about the stuff that was going on in our lives this week. Somehow we accumulated a few things that I felt that we just got to talk it out face to face. It was nothing against each other per se, but it was just, a really really good and honest chat. I hope I did not sound pompous or self-righteous about stuff. Jingxin is different now. I can’t say I liked which ‘version’ more, but he’s still Jingxin and I am glad our friendship has grown a lot since the start of the year, and I am glad we can still be honest with each other about everything. I hope this friendship will always always always centre on God, and we can continue to push each other on in this race to be more like Christ. It is exciting, really, to know others are running alongside you.

Maybe something that lifted me out of the Huge Vortex Of Negativity was this thing I witnessed during my one hour break at work. I was sitting beside this young family at the coffee shop. They had three kids. It seemed like the eldest was a girl, then a boy, and then another little girl. The father seemed to be busy settling some stuff at work, well, you know, talking on the phone and all in the middle of food. He was still being a little harsh to the boy who looked like he was irritating his older sister, who, to my dismay, seemed to be crying at the smallest of things. Sigh, kids. But I guessed the father settled his work stuff in the end, and his eldest girl was asking very sweetly and politely for him to help her take some curry for her prata. Listening to their conversation melted my heart. Every short phrase the little girl spoke, whether it was a request or just saying ‘daddy’ before the actual request, the father kept acknowledging her as ‘darling’.

‘Dadd–‘

‘Yes darling?’ (Even before she finished saying daddy!)

‘Can you please help me to take the curry and put it here?’

‘Sure darling! This one is it? Where do you want to put it darling?’

*girl points*

‘Okay darling!’ *scoops curry* ‘Is it enough, darling? Do you want more? Darling, is there anything else you need? Eat slowly okay darling?’

It sounds cheesy when read but the father sounded so thrilled and enthusiastic and happy to be able to call this little girl his own, and said every single ‘darling’ in such an affectionate manner like as if he just adopted her or the girl was only born yesterday, all new and precious and sweet. He was so eager to listen to his little girl, and to make sure she’s happy. (Whether he actually spoils her against what’s really good for her is another issue altogether.)

And I really wonder if that is how God sees us too? If we are made in His likeness, and we have fallen from being perfect due to sin, whatever we see or enjoy now would only be a fraction of the perfect standard. If a mortal man can love his daughter so passionately and so sweetly, can I also assume God must love us way more? 🙂

My heart is melting. 🙂

i hate to make emoing/heavyhearted rants a bit but..

I am feeling really down today. Behind the laughs, the smiles, the stupid jokes, the silly girl, lies a very very emotional and well, for lack of a better word at the moment, depressed, me.

I honestly hate this feeling, but I can’t get out of it. It’s this seriously huge vortex of all things bad, depressing and negative. I kept wanting to find someone comfortable and close to talk to, but I just couldn’t manage to spend some alone time with people – so I decided to isolate myself and just put up the front everyone thinks I am supposed to have. It is seriously eating me from the inside out and it’s driving me insane.

I need to work tomorrow, so with every minute of doing this, I am sacrificing precious sleep.

1. Emotions are really contagious. I wasn’t prepared for the huge load of negativity and bitterness that was dumped on me. I was all cheerful and thinking about the exciting stuff I am going to do, and boooooooom, someone dumps this massive cloud of depression, frustration, pent up anger on me. I am usually quite sensitive to stuff like that, and I definitely wasn’t on guard this time round. I didn’t go with the expectation to listen or to counsel or to talk people out of things, I guess in a way, I was just expecting a light-hearted conversation about good, happy, fluffy stuff.

I am dealing with some serious problems on my own but I choose to raise my head up and try make the best out of it, because of God who holds tomorrow! But this encounter really swept me off my feet and right into the rubbish chute. It takes a lot of faith to just go step by step in this process and trust God. I have so much to pray about, but with no words to verbalise, so much to tell God but could never find enough time to think and really just have a conversation with God. I am holding everything back and just sighing to get past each day telling God, ‘when I have the words for it, I will tell You. But now, I don’t really know what to think or what to do or what to give. Just let me know You are here, please?’ And when I encountered this emotional rubbish someone dumped on me, I really tried my best to counsel and to listen and to try lighten the problem by talking about the bigger picture – but no, this external force of negativity just knocked the little bit of positivity and joy out of my body and took over. It dug out all the sadness and all the anxiety I was holding at bay, just under the surface. It didn’t only just happen today, but I am still feeling the effects of it.

2. The church is a place of imperfect people.

Well, if you actually knew me personally and not just skimming through this blog, and saw me today, you would realise almost immediately that I did something rather ‘outrageous’ to my hair. Enough to gain some weird looks and uncalled-for attention from friends and juniors before/during/after worship service. Some were shocked (and this I find, really entertaining), some were amused, some were encouraging, some were inspired. I am only ever concerned about reactions because it entertains me and it opens doors for some conversations that I would not have had. Maybe you could argue that the conversation would only be rather superficial, since it is just about hair and dye and pretty colours, but hey, I wouldn’t even be able to have superficial conversations otherwise, so I am thankful for it either way.

I am especially thankful for the reactions of some people today. People who expressed shock mixed with a bit of amusement and then just send off the vibe that says, ‘yeah well, it’s vivien after all.’ Thank you for recognising and seeing clearly that this hairstyle is NOT in any way a flashy showoff, but really just me being myself. It is a personal expression of who I am under that face you see every few days. It was not done so that I can gain approving looks, or praises, or be noticed, or be admired. Thank you people for recognising that. I love your comments about me being a rebel or a local teenage gangster or just being weird, or funky, or crazy etc etc, because I feel your love for me through those. You know me for the idiot I am, for the shit I say, for the bimbo that emerges sometimes, for the reckless stuff I do, yet you see past all of that and into the person I am, and still choose to love me. As I type this, I kinda teared a bit. I thought I could do without friends or approval or whatever, which I still believe yes, to some extent I can, unless those ‘friends’ are you guys, then I guess the ‘can live without’ status becomes very negotiable.

I am especially thankful for the people above also because I got hurt by the comments of others today, and it made me feel like I am in a stupid girls’ school all over again. And thanks to my huge vortex of negativity, I did not take it well at all. It was almost as if they felt threatened that I am doing something outrageous to my hair and gaining a bit of attention, thus drawing some away from them…? !?!?! Seriously – I do not care what they think because it’s really not for them to see/approve/admire, but I am slightly offended by how childish their antics are: purposely coming into my comfort circle and making all these insensitive comments and indirectly saying they absolutely absolutely do not care about my hair colour, and that they absolutely absolutely prefer their own. Really, go get a life. Stop barging into my world like you own the place and expect me to live by your standards or to glorify you, that is just moronic. Just because you have a right to self-expression and do oh-so-funky stuff with your life, it doesn’t mean I can’t have that same right. If you disagree, then okay, maybe you treat others as less than human, and that’s fine but I think it will bite you back one day.

But yes, my point was that the church is a place full of imperfect people, so I guess such things do happen, just that maybe I hoped for a place that was a bit more accepting, and less judgmental.

I was really affected by all the negative arrows flying around, so affected that I had to check my menstrual calendar just to make sure it was probably not the hormones. (FYI, it wasn’t.) Had a strong urge to cry but didn’t exactly know what I would be crying about so I didn’t, haha.

Thank you dear friend Lobs for listening to me, and reassuring me that yeah, maybe we don’t have to understand or care about such people. The conversation also reminded me that ‘shucks, I sure am quite the fragile thing inside, despite what I say or do or act.’

It’s quite the long post, but I had to post something else because remember what I said earlier?

‘It was not done so that I can gain approving looks, or praises, or be noticed, or be admired.’

I calmed myself down and realised that there’s only One being I ever really should and always need to worry about – my God. And it is only His approval that I want, only His presence that I want to desire because I know He is the only One who completes me.

One of my most favourite songs, which always reminds me God is all I need, and I really wish He was all I wanted.

爱是不保留 (词,曲:盧永亨)

常聽說世界愛沒長久 那裡會有愛無盡頭
塵俗的愛只在乎曾擁有 一刻燦爛便要走
而我卻確信愛是恆久 碰到了祢已無別求
無從解釋不可說明的愛 千秋過後仍長存不朽

誰人受痛苦被懸掛在木頭
至高的愛盡見於刺穿的手
看 血在流反映愛沒保留
持續不死的愛到萬世不休

惟求奉上生命全歸主所有
要將一切盡獻於我主的手
我已決定今生再沒所求
惟望得主稱讚已足夠

Here I am

Here I am. Tired mentally, emotionally and physically.
But just handed a huge burden over to someone. I am not sure how I got there, but I was so conflicted by the feelings and heartbreak that was building up itself of me that I had to say it. And the release I got, was not of this world. I felt somehow God planned for this to happen. I felt bad because it seemed like I was badmouthing someone, but I can no longer take the hurt alone, I had to come clean. And in order to come clean, I was putting my prayers over the last few months and all that I am on the line, to find out if I had been doing the right thing. I am glad to know that I could be honest about saying, ‘Yes I did the best I can. And I tried, I really did.’ And gosh, did that hurt. Having tried my best and still having to deal with the situation as it is now.. It hurts.

I cried, and I am shocked that it was so painful. Not exactly very sure why it hurt so bad. Maybe it was me feeling like, ‘shucks, why didn’t I do this earlier? Why did I trust in someone who doesn’t love me back as a friend, and watch other things and people go by?’

Now I am just calm, and feeling my wound slowly recovering, and the scar forming. I am glad God is here. No words, no sounds, just His presence. He already knows, I don’t need to say more. I just need to bask in His love, and aim to desire Him above all else. 🙂

particularly heavy-hearted today

I was being rather self-destructive these few nights. :\ Always leaves me in a state of unrest, so why do I still do it? I don’t know. I am just stupid like that.

I felt like my day was pretty much wasted doing nothing today – which is really really really bad. I feel like my life is not in order. I need to get this sorted out before the last round of surveys start. I am super afraid I fall into this self-pitying mode – which also does not help anything either! SIGH.

Sent off a very dear friend at the airport today, and I wonder if that contributed to this dramatic sense of loss I am feeling now. She will probably read this eventually. We have been through quite a bit together – experiences I would never have chose to go through but after having them, I won’t trade it for anything else in the world (not like I could if I wanted to). It’s hard to say anything fanciful about our friendship because the depth is well, beyond words. It is this mutual understanding that cannot be spelled out or explained but just, erm seen and experienced. Well, maybe it is not mutual, hahaha. But either way, I am really excited for this opportunity for her to go overseas and learn, and just gain valuable life experiences. So exciting!!! I haven’t completely dropped my thoughts about studying music in Australia – and if I do, I would seriously be super excited to spend my days learning music, working and just living with a precious friend or two, or a partner. But Lobs, take care! I will miss your voice, miss you talking about anything and everything, stupid or not, and also your listening ear. I never could express properly how much I appreciate you being there at some of the toughest points of my life these two years, and if you ever need someone badly like I did (though I wish you would never have to), I promise I will be there.

I have been on the verge of crazy these few days. Something is seriously messing my life up and I can’t even tell what. A very treasured friend recently told me not to have expectations on the friendship – I thought about it and, I don’t understand it and I have finally decided it is a very selfish and hurting thing to say. ‘Let’s not have expectations because I am not interested in being a good friend’. Very Treasured Friend says we are still as close as ever. Ummm, okay. What can I say? So, there’s that. I should stop pouring my heart and life to someone who doesn’t want to share in that. I cannot remember how many times I have told myself that, and then put myself in a vulnerable place. Why do I do such things to myself, and why do I always end up loving (very deeply) people who hurt me. My stupidity is astounding.

Maybe this whole unrest and uneasiness was also due to some socially awkward situations. Because of my past, I am sensitive to being left out, and my reaction when that happens is not to jump right in and try make friends. It is to draw even further away, to a place where no one can hurt me. I am not sure how that works out nowadays… but it is tiring either way. Friends do not let you feel like that, I think.

Okay, super messed up here in my head. I was playing the piano just now and just thinking through the whole of today with a rather heavy heart. I am tired and I need my God.

I think it’s real, maybe it’s love

Today was pretty eventful.

It was my first session back to the worship team – and on a Sunday! I had fun playing with familiar people who accepted me for who I am. It was particularly nostalgic though, playing with everyone today. Every person on the team meant something more to me (You can read more below).

We were supposed to have cell group today, but only Yanhui showed up. Gerald was supposed to come but he was sick. I wasn’t exactly disappointed because I knew everyone had their own troubles and things to attend to. Maybe some leaders would say ‘You must come to cell no matter what.’ Sorry, not my style, and I don’t think it is very loving. However, I believe it is really up to the leaders to discern and disciple their kids according to their own unique situations and not place a blanket rule on anything, even cell attendance. I just feel that it doesn’t help sometimes, really.

But anyway, my alone time with Yanhui turned out rather eventful. As we were heading down to East Village for Sarah’s The Pancake Cafe, we heard this poor cat calling out in pain and distress somewhere outside the school gate. It looked like it was in a pretty bad condition, perhaps on the brink of death already. Labored breathing, swollen eyes with pus flowing out of them, wet mouth and feet. We decided to call SPCA to pick up the cat before it was too late. I regret to inform that I think the poor stray is probably dead by now. The breathing was really weak by the time SPCA arrived, and I told Yanhui to just leave without knowing what happened after that so that our hearts won’t break. RIP, Chocolate. I personally wished we could have seen you all healthy and ungrateful like many stray cats are, but have fun in Kitty Heaven.

Having delayed so long for brunch at Sarah’s The Pancake Cafe (because of kitty), it is no wonder we didn’t manage it at all, because YH had to leave. However, in that short time where we were able to sit down and chat, we poured our hearts and our lives out to each other. More than just a responsibility to tell your CGL, or being honest with your spiritual child what crisis is going on in your life, I felt loved. It was not accountability forced on the other party. It was not interrogation. It was sincere and it was honest. That mutual trust and respect can only be out of love for God and for each other. It so happened this weekend that I managed to even spend a few minutes on the phone with Jingjing (even if it was just asking her about the fastest way to get to 85 Market), and having lunch with Jingxin. I really felt super loved by all three. (And Sarah’s was really good by the way.)

Thank you for being a part of my life, and for being willing to entertain all my nonsense. I was supposed to be the mentor, supporting all three of you, but I feel like you three are always so much stronger than I am – complaining that I am naggy, I think too much, I text too much, I worry too much, I want to do too much, I am insecure about our relationship but still loving me enough to pick me up when I fall, to pray for me when I hurt, to watch over me when I am afraid, to assure me (even in the dead of the night) I am not losing them, to listen to me when I am just being stupid, to be honest with me about everything and anything, to ask about me when I don’t seem right, and to spend time with me just because I asked.

I may have lost a lot of different things in life this year. But I am so thankful I still have the three of you. I truly am very very blessed.

This was also the day Mr Abner Teo blatantly crashed my movie/coffee outing with Jingxin because we met him at the bus stop, and I was really upset I couldn’t catch Interstellar at the cinema. But I love Abner too, so, I guess it’s okay. Hahaha.

Short notes on people in the worship team today –

Continue reading “I think it’s real, maybe it’s love”

it’s late but I have to do this

it’s late and I have this huge burden called ‘work’ tomorrow, but I have to do this. Why? This is the first peaceful Friday night I have had in a long while. I am not disturbed by much, but instead have been blessed by much. I love taking responsibility for myself sometimes. Maybe it’s selfish, but it means I just admit I don’t have control, and just let things take its own course, sometimes, to their own demise. But even if things fall apart, I can be sure of who I am, and why I do the things I do. Maybe I am learning how to care less about things and perhaps people, in a healthy way. 🙂

I realised I love teaching, and I love teaching music. Well, I suppose not in classical music (yet), but worship music. It is so so so utterly amazing to share God with others through music, be it teaching or explaining music to others and/or (especially) creating music. I guess I was always standing on the more technical side of music – how to play better, what styles to play, how to make it sound awesome, but I never felt like it conflicted with my worship. Even though many people keep emphasizing, ‘it is not about the techniques’. Indeed, it isn’t, I agree wholeheartedly. I love pushing the technical end a bit, but my motivation has always been God, and wanting to give better to Him. Not that anything we give Him will ever be worthy enough, but you know, it’s just that little voice in my head that says, ‘God, umm, I tried this new thing with the piano, and..this isn’t much..but this is for You. I love You.’

Like how a child would sometimes give you little worthless nonsense that they picked up from the floor (tsk, children), you go ‘awwwww’ not because that offering is worth your attention (or worth anything valuable for that matter), but because you see a child’s love for you, and that, that is what warms your insides.

Today, I refused to let myself get tangled in the unpleasant stuff. I filtered everything out and just focused on sharing God with my young keyboardist. Enjoying the mood of the music, and enjoying God in the music. We were working hard on the techniques yes, but I think I understand so much more about what it means to create music that melts hearts, that breaks down the barrier between man and God. I have my teacher to thank for challenging me, and God to thank for the enlightenment. This reminds me of what my pastor’s wife said when a request was put in for her to mentor me as I return to the worship ministry as a keyboardist –

‘只要心对,就会弹了, 不用教的。’

I used to have so much confusion and objections over this statement. I am a pretty shabby keyboardist (despite what my juniors say) but as I start to connect the spiritual with the technical, I hear God breathe in my music. I start to understand the meaning of this phrase. I still have a lot to learn, but it’s all so different now.

I am not looking for a mentor, I am looking for God.

I have so much to worry about in my life right now, but God’s goodness just overwhelms me now.

‘Dear God, I kind of see where this all is going, but I am not sure if I am right. And you know, it’s a really big step to take. It’s a risk, it’s a dive into the unknown. I was kind of angry last night because I seriously didn’t understand what new trick you were trying to pull and it was seriously not funny at all. But, thank you for making me see how big You are, how loving You are and how much You have already provided and will continue to provide me with what I need in Your timing. As one of my friends said, ‘A season is over, a new season has come.’ I am just really hundred times thankful that You are the one taking me on a journey, I don’t know where to, I don’t even know what I can pack on this journey, but I know I just know, it will be amazing, because Lord, You are amazing.’

how do I shine more light on the cross?

Something is seriously wrong with me. I feel so emotional and on the verge of tears today, and the best part is, I really have no idea why. I have spent my entire afternoon trying to figure it out, and look where that got me. Sigh.

I don’t know if I am still getting used to the single life. I had a very unexpected and surprising conversation with my piano teacher about marriage and relationships. Not knowing about my relationships so far, she sort of implied that I could have been picky about guys, and maybe God has already given me someone but I choose not to see it. Uhh. I don’t know, but I don’t think so? No, I am not offended, haha, just a bit surprised how this conversation even came about.

The closest plausible reason I have for these raging emotions is this thing that happened at work. I have no idea what to do about it and the future is uncertain. I guess I am afraid I have to lay my dreams aside again, that scares me a lot. I may be playing the avoidance game because I really don’t want to deal with it. I am afraid that if I do, I will no longer have reason to smile and be goofy about stuff.

I don’t think I have come clean with God about it yet. He already knows. I realise I always have this game where because I know God already knows, I don’t really sit down and pray about it. I let the thoughts float around in my head and talk to myself rather than to God. But there will come a time when I am ready to have a conversation with God. I guess I am still sorting out my own thoughts now, while saying ‘Ok, God, you wait okay? I still feel it is rather hazy up here in my head, and if we were to talk, I don’t know what to say. To start with, I don’t even know what I am feeling right now.’

But what I can say is, ‘Seriously, why? I really thought the path was something else, and why give me all these things if it was all going to end like this……I am not angry, I am just confused, and I really need direction, I need You. Why is life here just such a burden? Like, uhhhhhhhh, yeah, life is such a burden, on so many levels. And I don’t know what else I can do to shine light on the cross.’

times like this

Been very troubled over a few things lately. In fact, it was 2 out of 3 things I have been praying about: family and affairs of the heart. Family.. well, complicated as usual. Affairs of the heart fall into two categories this time – church ministry work and friendship/romantic feelings. It is times like this where I feel like running away, and I honestly wished that I wasn’t so sensitive to stuff like this. But I also recognise it is also with a greater spiritual awakening (in my case) that I am painfully aware of these things. Someone with no awareness of what’s good and bad or God’s standards, most probably wouldn’t feel the pinch. If you have had a glimpse of what’s perfect and good, you wouldn’t want to settle for anything less. Blessing or curse? At the moment, I am inclined to think that it is some sort of twisted and beautiful curse. I only hurt and ache and cry over everything, I pray for God to just take all these feelings away from me because it is so unfair that I can’t do anything about it. I can’t act on these feelings at all – by that, I don’t mean in an emotional or dramatic manner, but just to do something about it to improve the situation.

A thought just struck me. I think I am being super selfish here. I guess all I want is to feel better, to feel more peaceful, and to feel more assured about the future and what it holds. Maybe deep down, I am not so concerned about the ministry work specifically, or even about who I end up with – but I just want to get rid of this overwhelming feeling of heartbreak in me. And… that is pretty scary.

Maybe I should stop brooding over how I feel and stop telling God ‘shucks, could you help out here? I am hurting!’. I am sure He hurts even more.. right? To us, this world and the injustices are already so overwhelmingly depressing. He being the Most Holy, He who knows even more and loves way way more than our minds can comprehend, wouldn’t He be hurting more? Maybe I should care more about how God is feeling rather than my own miseries.

Well, that’s a new perspective.

But anyway, a song to share. Heard someone playing it on their phone at the student office today, and I was reminded how it remains one of my favourite songs (both musically and spiritually) and decided to try out improvising on the piano with that chord progression. I love doing this because although I am playing utterly random notes, letting my fingers run freely on the piano.. I can enter worship and encounter God. While I thought through my burdens and worries and my complaints, God gives me the notes to play (I can’t explain this but it is real), and it is just so romantic. Just me and Him, on the piano. 🙂

A pity that I had to practice my regular classical stuff and had to squeeze in this short session of worship just before it gets too late to play the piano. But it was good, because God is good. 🙂

祷告

(单单只为祢 - 赞美之泉)

祷告 因为我渺小
祷告 因为我知道我需要
明了 祢心意对我重要

祷告 已假装不了
祷告 因为祢的爱我需要
祢关怀 我走过的祢都明白

有些事我只想要对祢说
因祢比任何人都爱我
痛苦从眼中流下
我知道祢为我擦

在早晨我也要来对祢说
主耶稣今天我为祢活
所需要的力量祢天天赐给我
祢恩典够我用

It’s You

It’s You
by the Parachute Band
Take down these walls, take down this pride
Take down the strength I’ve built inside
Here are my fears, this is my shame
This is the me I’ll fade away
All You desire is all of my life

It’s You. Only You that can see beyond the pain
Only You, who has made a way

Take down these plans I’ve made on my own
I humble myself before Your thrown
Flood through my heart, breathe into my soul
Rush into me and make me whole
All You desire is all of my life

It’s You. Only You who can see beyond the pain
Only You, who has made a way

Only You, who has made a way

Break down these walls
Break down my pride
Here I am, here I am
Break down these walls as I walk in Your light
Here I am, here I am

Here I am, here I am

It’s You. Only You who can see beyond the pain
Only You, who has made a way

(taken from songlyrics.com)

whose role is it?

Strong waves of pity swept over me today, to the extent that I felt so helpless and useless. I silently asked God – Why do people have to suffer? Why is there pain in this world? Why do I repeatedly find myself in a position where I can’t help my neighbour?

Yeah. I felt pretty hurt. Not that God owed me any explanations. I kind of knew the reason for Man’s troubles are.. Man itself. We can’t save ourselves from ourselves, can we?

I don’t know if it is because I worked at Mount Elizabeth Novena Hospital’s Solar Garden today. On the way home, I saw patients, old people who needed all sorts of help. That was maybe the first wave. On the train home, there was this lady with an injured wrist I suppose, no one gave up their seat for her. When a seat was freed, I had to like squeeze through some insensitive people to ask her if she wanted to take that seat. She politely declined, so I left it at that. When I transferred to the Green Line at City Hall, the same lady came too, but I didn’t immediately notice because I was in a rush to catch the train (it arrived just as our train started opening doors. I am always glad to have a seat on the train because my bag is so insanely heavy and bulky. Only when I sat down did I see the poor lady strolling in slower than most. She was pretty far away, and I was worried she couldn’t get a seat again, but in the end she did. 🙂 And I comfortably stayed in my seat.

When I alighted at Eunos MRT to head down to driving lesson, I saw this old man dozing off on a mat. He was err yeah, selling tissue, and I saw a Bible propped up somewhere among his belongings. I took out my wallet and slipped a $2 note under one of his stuff…….. To everyone out there, please don’t feel like money solves problems. It doesn’t. I may have given the cash, but my heart still aches, and I still feel like I didn’t do anything. I walked further on, and I caught sight of this old man with a walking stick who seemed to be begging from passersby while babbling some stuff. He was rather well-dressed and all, but his demeanor was really disturbing to me. I purposely took out my earphones so I could hear what he was saying, if he was saying stuff at all. He wasn’t saying anything even though his mouth was moving, but because I didn’t know what he wanted, and I am usually afraid and apprehensive about such things – so I just walked on by, all the while feeling very uncomfortable, and glancing back at him.

I hate feeling helpless and leaving people in the lurch like that, but I honestly didn’t know how to help. I said a silent prayer for all these people I have been noticing the past few days, it didn’t just start today I guess.

Well, I still don’t know what to do, and I am pretty sure blogging about it wouldn’t do much either. But I just had to get it off my chest. When I started thinking, ‘shucks. what else could I have done? how to help?’, I thought of something I used to hear a lot (from someone who used to mean the world to me).

‘Why should we help them? It is the government’s fault that people are left behind. It is the government’s job to help them, not us. It’s their fault! I am not going to help. And you better not too.’

I used to submissively agree to that idea. But no, it didn’t feel right before, and it still doesn’t feel right to me. We are called to be salt and light of the world. Our responsibilities as salt and light are tied to the people and there was no extra clause that said ‘but if you have a government or higher authority who is supposed to do it, then it’s okay for you not to help or bless others. Even if they are failing to help.’ Be salt and light of the world. No circumstances specified, so I suppose it applies to everything.

Well, I still do not know how to help. But I know what I shouldn’t do. I should not be sitting there and saying the job belongs to someone else. I may be small and just one lonely soul in the universe, but salt spreads its flavour throughout the entire dish and light illuminates. So I shall pray, and I shall continue to do the little things I can, and continue to hope in the Lord to show me what else I can do for Him.