I know. Record-breaking, 2 posts in a day. I know it may be weird that I am blogging a lot lately. I AM FINE. Just have a lot on my mind and no one real to share with, so ta-da. Hahaha. This is my way of telling God stuff too.
I almost teared during piano class today. Actually, that is inaccurate, I had to actively swallow back and suck in my tears. Why so idiotic? I don’t know what came over me either. I am slowly adapting to the class and the teacher (she’s awesome btw). But I was telling my junior from NUS the other day, ‘I play perfectly fine at home. Like, I shamelessly think I am improving well, and playing better every single time. But when I go to her place, and my fingers run on her piano, I feel like I was born with two left hands.’
I am frustrated with how I can’t seem to play well during class. (Well, it has something to do with her piano, because the touch is different, but that’s not important.) I have recently been upset about not being able to worship, and just starting to find it again from playing random stuff and songs that come to my mind at home. I want to play better for God. I want to be able to play beautifully, to touch hearts and lives through my music, to share God with others through my music.
Yeah, say until so nice right? My teacher talks a lot. And today, she talked a lot more than usual, and yet she spoke right to that little girl inside of me who is struggling with worship. I didn’t even mention anything about that. When I was starting to feel upset and frustrated at my own playing, and subconsciously feeling like the standard I want to reach seems even further away from me now. That feeling where ‘I can never give God what I wanted to give. I have my fingers, and this heart but God, I don’t know how to get there.’
She told me, 你要达到那种程度，还差呢。要达到，你弹的每一个note都能打动人心，能为人们的心做医治。 I told her something along the lines of, 我知道。我也想。我听得出自己的不足，但是我不知道要怎么那样弹。I was hurt not by her words(she was not being condescending anw), but by myself. For a moment, I hated myself for only being able to give God this much. Then she replied 最重要的不是你的technique，还是你的grade 8， 也不是diploma的那张纸。是祷告。你要跟上帝求。
I have not been praying hard enough. I believe being able to play the piano is a blessing. Being able to restart my love for the piano with a teacher like that, at this time of my life, is a blessing. But I really haven’t wanted it enough yet. I listen carefully to piano solos, I figure it out, I play with the recordings, I try my own..I practise on the piano for.. at the very least half an hour each day, 1.5 hours on most days, but I very seldom pray about this – I make the same mistake I make over and over again with my life. I am still trying to give to God out of my own capacity and abilities.
But no, this is for God in worship, and for God’s people who will be blessed by hearing it, so it is also by His strength and His power that it can be done.
So, vi, pray.