Been very troubled over a few things lately. In fact, it was 2 out of 3 things I have been praying about: family and affairs of the heart. Family.. well, complicated as usual. Affairs of the heart fall into two categories this time – church ministry work and friendship/romantic feelings. It is times like this where I feel like running away, and I honestly wished that I wasn’t so sensitive to stuff like this. But I also recognise it is also with a greater spiritual awakening (in my case) that I am painfully aware of these things. Someone with no awareness of what’s good and bad or God’s standards, most probably wouldn’t feel the pinch. If you have had a glimpse of what’s perfect and good, you wouldn’t want to settle for anything less. Blessing or curse? At the moment, I am inclined to think that it is some sort of twisted and beautiful curse. I only hurt and ache and cry over everything, I pray for God to just take all these feelings away from me because it is so unfair that I can’t do anything about it. I can’t act on these feelings at all – by that, I don’t mean in an emotional or dramatic manner, but just to do something about it to improve the situation.
A thought just struck me. I think I am being super selfish here. I guess all I want is to feel better, to feel more peaceful, and to feel more assured about the future and what it holds. Maybe deep down, I am not so concerned about the ministry work specifically, or even about who I end up with – but I just want to get rid of this overwhelming feeling of heartbreak in me. And… that is pretty scary.
Maybe I should stop brooding over how I feel and stop telling God ‘shucks, could you help out here? I am hurting!’. I am sure He hurts even more.. right? To us, this world and the injustices are already so overwhelmingly depressing. He being the Most Holy, He who knows even more and loves way way more than our minds can comprehend, wouldn’t He be hurting more? Maybe I should care more about how God is feeling rather than my own miseries.
Well, that’s a new perspective.
But anyway, a song to share. Heard someone playing it on their phone at the student office today, and I was reminded how it remains one of my favourite songs (both musically and spiritually) and decided to try out improvising on the piano with that chord progression. I love doing this because although I am playing utterly random notes, letting my fingers run freely on the piano.. I can enter worship and encounter God. While I thought through my burdens and worries and my complaints, God gives me the notes to play (I can’t explain this but it is real), and it is just so romantic. Just me and Him, on the piano. 🙂
A pity that I had to practice my regular classical stuff and had to squeeze in this short session of worship just before it gets too late to play the piano. But it was good, because God is good. 🙂
（单单只为祢 － 赞美之泉）