Something is seriously wrong with me. I feel so emotional and on the verge of tears today, and the best part is, I really have no idea why. I have spent my entire afternoon trying to figure it out, and look where that got me. Sigh.
I don’t know if I am still getting used to the single life. I had a very unexpected and surprising conversation with my piano teacher about marriage and relationships. Not knowing about my relationships so far, she sort of implied that I could have been picky about guys, and maybe God has already given me someone but I choose not to see it. Uhh. I don’t know, but I don’t think so? No, I am not offended, haha, just a bit surprised how this conversation even came about.
The closest plausible reason I have for these raging emotions is this thing that happened at work. I have no idea what to do about it and the future is uncertain. I guess I am afraid I have to lay my dreams aside again, that scares me a lot. I may be playing the avoidance game because I really don’t want to deal with it. I am afraid that if I do, I will no longer have reason to smile and be goofy about stuff.
I don’t think I have come clean with God about it yet. He already knows. I realise I always have this game where because I know God already knows, I don’t really sit down and pray about it. I let the thoughts float around in my head and talk to myself rather than to God. But there will come a time when I am ready to have a conversation with God. I guess I am still sorting out my own thoughts now, while saying ‘Ok, God, you wait okay? I still feel it is rather hazy up here in my head, and if we were to talk, I don’t know what to say. To start with, I don’t even know what I am feeling right now.’
But what I can say is, ‘Seriously, why? I really thought the path was something else, and why give me all these things if it was all going to end like this……I am not angry, I am just confused, and I really need direction, I need You. Why is life here just such a burden? Like, uhhhhhhhh, yeah, life is such a burden, on so many levels. And I don’t know what else I can do to shine light on the cross.’