particularly heavy-hearted today

I was being rather self-destructive these few nights. :\ Always leaves me in a state of unrest, so why do I still do it? I don’t know. I am just stupid like that.

I felt like my day was pretty much wasted doing nothing today – which is really really really bad. I feel like my life is not in order. I need to get this sorted out before the last round of surveys start. I am super afraid I fall into this self-pitying mode – which also does not help anything either! SIGH.

Sent off a very dear friend at the airport today, and I wonder if that contributed to this dramatic sense of loss I am feeling now. She will probably read this eventually. We have been through quite a bit together – experiences I would never have chose to go through but after having them, I won’t trade it for anything else in the world (not like I could if I wanted to). It’s hard to say anything fanciful about our friendship because the depth is well, beyond words. It is this mutual understanding that cannot be spelled out or explained but just, erm seen and experienced. Well, maybe it is not mutual, hahaha. But either way, I am really excited for this opportunity for her to go overseas and learn, and just gain valuable life experiences. So exciting!!! I haven’t completely dropped my thoughts about studying music in Australia – and if I do, I would seriously be super excited to spend my days learning music, working and just living with a precious friend or two, or a partner. But Lobs, take care! I will miss your voice, miss you talking about anything and everything, stupid or not, and also your listening ear. I never could express properly how much I appreciate you being there at some of the toughest points of my life these two years, and if you ever need someone badly like I did (though I wish you would never have to), I promise I will be there.

I have been on the verge of crazy these few days. Something is seriously messing my life up and I can’t even tell what. A very treasured friend recently told me not to have expectations on the friendship – I thought about it and, I don’t understand it and I have finally decided it is a very selfish and hurting thing to say. ‘Let’s not have expectations because I am not interested in being a good friend’. Very Treasured Friend says we are still as close as ever. Ummm, okay. What can I say? So, there’s that. I should stop pouring my heart and life to someone who doesn’t want to share in that. I cannot remember how many times I have told myself that, and then put myself in a vulnerable place. Why do I do such things to myself, and why do I always end up loving (very deeply) people who hurt me. My stupidity is astounding.

Maybe this whole unrest and uneasiness was also due to some socially awkward situations. Because of my past, I am sensitive to being left out, and my reaction when that happens is not to jump right in and try make friends. It is to draw even further away, to a place where no one can hurt me. I am not sure how that works out nowadays… but it is tiring either way. Friends do not let you feel like that, I think.

Okay, super messed up here in my head. I was playing the piano just now and just thinking through the whole of today with a rather heavy heart. I am tired and I need my God.


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