i hate to make emoing/heavyhearted rants a bit but..

I am feeling really down today. Behind the laughs, the smiles, the stupid jokes, the silly girl, lies a very very emotional and well, for lack of a better word at the moment, depressed, me.

I honestly hate this feeling, but I can’t get out of it. It’s this seriously huge vortex of all things bad, depressing and negative. I kept wanting to find someone comfortable and close to talk to, but I just couldn’t manage to spend some alone time with people – so I decided to isolate myself and just put up the front everyone thinks I am supposed to have. It is seriously eating me from the inside out and it’s driving me insane.

I need to work tomorrow, so with every minute of doing this, I am sacrificing precious sleep.

1. Emotions are really contagious. I wasn’t prepared for the huge load of negativity and bitterness that was dumped on me. I was all cheerful and thinking about the exciting stuff I am going to do, and boooooooom, someone dumps this massive cloud of depression, frustration, pent up anger on me. I am usually quite sensitive to stuff like that, and I definitely wasn’t on guard this time round. I didn’t go with the expectation to listen or to counsel or to talk people out of things, I guess in a way, I was just expecting a light-hearted conversation about good, happy, fluffy stuff.

I am dealing with some serious problems on my own but I choose to raise my head up and try make the best out of it, because of God who holds tomorrow! But this encounter really swept me off my feet and right into the rubbish chute. It takes a lot of faith to just go step by step in this process and trust God. I have so much to pray about, but with no words to verbalise, so much to tell God but could never find enough time to think and really just have a conversation with God. I am holding everything back and just sighing to get past each day telling God, ‘when I have the words for it, I will tell You. But now, I don’t really know what to think or what to do or what to give. Just let me know You are here, please?’ And when I encountered this emotional rubbish someone dumped on me, I really tried my best to counsel and to listen and to try lighten the problem by talking about the bigger picture – but no, this external force of negativity just knocked the little bit of positivity and joy out of my body and took over. It dug out all the sadness and all the anxiety I was holding at bay, just under the surface. It didn’t only just happen today, but I am still feeling the effects of it.

2. The church is a place of imperfect people.

Well, if you actually knew me personally and not just skimming through this blog, and saw me today, you would realise almost immediately that I did something rather ‘outrageous’ to my hair. Enough to gain some weird looks and uncalled-for attention from friends and juniors before/during/after worship service. Some were shocked (and this I find, really entertaining), some were amused, some were encouraging, some were inspired. I am only ever concerned about reactions because it entertains me and it opens doors for some conversations that I would not have had. Maybe you could argue that the conversation would only be rather superficial, since it is just about hair and dye and pretty colours, but hey, I wouldn’t even be able to have superficial conversations otherwise, so I am thankful for it either way.

I am especially thankful for the reactions of some people today. People who expressed shock mixed with a bit of amusement and then just send off the vibe that says, ‘yeah well, it’s vivien after all.’ Thank you for recognising and seeing clearly that this hairstyle is NOT in any way a flashy showoff, but really just me being myself. It is a personal expression of who I am under that face you see every few days. It was not done so that I can gain approving looks, or praises, or be noticed, or be admired. Thank you people for recognising that. I love your comments about me being a rebel or a local teenage gangster or just being weird, or funky, or crazy etc etc, because I feel your love for me through those. You know me for the idiot I am, for the shit I say, for the bimbo that emerges sometimes, for the reckless stuff I do, yet you see past all of that and into the person I am, and still choose to love me. As I type this, I kinda teared a bit. I thought I could do without friends or approval or whatever, which I still believe yes, to some extent I can, unless those ‘friends’ are you guys, then I guess the ‘can live without’ status becomes very negotiable.

I am especially thankful for the people above also because I got hurt by the comments of others today, and it made me feel like I am in a stupid girls’ school all over again. And thanks to my huge vortex of negativity, I did not take it well at all. It was almost as if they felt threatened that I am doing something outrageous to my hair and gaining a bit of attention, thus drawing some away from them…? !?!?! Seriously – I do not care what they think because it’s really not for them to see/approve/admire, but I am slightly offended by how childish their antics are: purposely coming into my comfort circle and making all these insensitive comments and indirectly saying they absolutely absolutely do not care about my hair colour, and that they absolutely absolutely prefer their own. Really, go get a life. Stop barging into my world like you own the place and expect me to live by your standards or to glorify you, that is just moronic. Just because you have a right to self-expression and do oh-so-funky stuff with your life, it doesn’t mean I can’t have that same right. If you disagree, then okay, maybe you treat others as less than human, and that’s fine but I think it will bite you back one day.

But yes, my point was that the church is a place full of imperfect people, so I guess such things do happen, just that maybe I hoped for a place that was a bit more accepting, and less judgmental.

I was really affected by all the negative arrows flying around, so affected that I had to check my menstrual calendar just to make sure it was probably not the hormones. (FYI, it wasn’t.) Had a strong urge to cry but didn’t exactly know what I would be crying about so I didn’t, haha.

Thank you dear friend Lobs for listening to me, and reassuring me that yeah, maybe we don’t have to understand or care about such people. The conversation also reminded me that ‘shucks, I sure am quite the fragile thing inside, despite what I say or do or act.’

It’s quite the long post, but I had to post something else because remember what I said earlier?

‘It was not done so that I can gain approving looks, or praises, or be noticed, or be admired.’

I calmed myself down and realised that there’s only One being I ever really should and always need to worry about – my God. And it is only His approval that I want, only His presence that I want to desire because I know He is the only One who completes me.

One of my most favourite songs, which always reminds me God is all I need, and I really wish He was all I wanted.

爱是不保留 (词,曲:盧永亨)

常聽說世界愛沒長久 那裡會有愛無盡頭
塵俗的愛只在乎曾擁有 一刻燦爛便要走
而我卻確信愛是恆久 碰到了祢已無別求
無從解釋不可說明的愛 千秋過後仍長存不朽

誰人受痛苦被懸掛在木頭
至高的愛盡見於刺穿的手
看 血在流反映愛沒保留
持續不死的愛到萬世不休

惟求奉上生命全歸主所有
要將一切盡獻於我主的手
我已決定今生再沒所求
惟望得主稱讚已足夠

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