I am kinda confused about a lot of things in general, with myself and with God and with what’s happening around me.
I haven’t been praying much because I don’t know what to say to God. I have so much to tell Him but I can’t find the words to. On top of that, I can’t seem to find the right space and time to pray. I often find my consciousness just holding tightly to that little bit of God my limited mind can grasp. Without words, just a desire to fall into His arms and lay there listening to Him breathe life into the universe. I have been falling asleep this way a lot recently. The physical fatigue from all my different work and service areas are getting to me, but no, I am not experiencing a burnout. I have no strong anger or frustration about my service areas or with the other christian leaders I work with. I mean, there’s always stuff to complain about, and stuff to fix, but I am certain it is not by my own strength that I am still going about this step by step. I am certain it is because of God and the hope He is that I can go on serving, gaining a little taste of heaven each time.
After thinking about it and finally being able to speak (though still very coherently somewhat) to God about everything that is on my mind. I think it’s just me feeling unrest about the uncertainty ahead. If you know me personally, you know how uneasy uncertainties make me feel, and how changes can be very very upsetting to me. Not that I can’t rise up to the occasion and be the best woman I can out of it, but….. Umm, if we can plan beforehand – why not? Why do we have to deal with the unnecessary trouble of making changes….. People always feel that I resist changes, I don’t. I can deal with changes pretty well, but I fail to understand why people who cannot deal with changes, do not choose to plan well. I know some changes are unpredictable, that’s fine. But if they could be anticipated to some extent, then of course I would expect a better response to it. And if they could be totally avoided, then.. Why not?
But I guess God doesn’t see it like that. His timing is perfect, and His humour unbeatable. I have so many dreams, and so many things I want to do for God. But it only remains as my desires and not God’s, that’s what I am praying about. I feel like I am moving in the right direction, but is this really going to honor God?
Maybe you would ask – after saying all this, Vivien, where do you want to be and what do you want to be doing? I can only think of one thing.
I want to worship, with my fingers on the piano, my eyes closed and my heart fixed on God.