so dead beat but it’s someone’s 21st

and I really care about this someone. Actually, today was just the party.

It is seriously amazing how our friendship came about. And it all came flooding back to me when we were talking about taking the XSY comm photo. 🙂 I am not planning to elaborate too much here because I will write you a proper card with a proper present when my HP is full once again.

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How did we even get here? I am so glad that God is the answer. There is really no other way this would have happened the way it did. If not for XSY, and XSY being canceled, I think the multiple barriers between us 3 years ago would be still here. But God tore them all down, and I truly hope you have been at least half as blessed by me as I have been blessed by you. Thank you for being the friend you are. Well, you know what I am talking about. As you reach legal adulthood, it is really my prayer that you seek God first in everything, see Him work in everything, serve Him everywhere and love Him with every single fiber of your being, for He is worthy. I guess it won’t be smooth serving God in this church (or anywhere, for that matter), but I pray that God will give you the strength and passion and wisdom to lead His people from wherever you are, and allow Him to mould you and build you into a woman after His heart. I can’t wait to walk this journey with you and see you grow bigger and stronger in Him.

As for the future and what it holds, may you also submit it to Him and allow Him to write your story, and have faith that it will be beautiful. 🙂

thanksgiving and thoughts

So thankful for a place I can call home. I don’t exactly have a really happy chummy kinda family, and that’s a long story in itself. But I am very thankful for a space I can call my own, and especially at night. I would have loved this night of blogging to have been in total silence but my uncle is watching the tv in the living room. But I am kind of satisfied with just keeping myself silent, allowing my thoughts and my emotions to flood my mind before my fingers start pressing keyboard keys to form a more-or-less coherent post. I love the coolness of the night, and my God is so genius to think of having day and night. I wonder if it’s something we take for granted, I guess, I do that sometimes.

I don’t know why but I am really thankful for Supeng today. Thank you for always putting in the effort to love someone such as me. And thank you for sharing bits of your life with me. Whether you think it is out of obligation that I am your CGL or not, I always feel so loved by such gestures. Well, I am thankful for the entire cell. I always feel so inadequate and you guys just love me way way way more than I deserve. I am thankful that I managed to see Gerald and even have a deep enough conversation with Jingjing. And it’s really really cool to see Jingxin lead too. All these things I hold so close to my heart! And then to see Jingjing interact with the others today though actually I think a lot of it involved us laughing at her ridiculous descriptions, and to see them shower love on her, it really warms my heart. Thank God for all these people who are willing to love my kids, because indirectly, they are loving me too. And not growing up with a lot of love in my life, I really really appreciate it. It is seriously amazing to see God work in their lives, and them growing in the Lord.

Today’s sermon was on what we count as gain and loss in this world, and what really matters to God. I am really overwhelmed with thanksgiving that our God is so amazing. Thank God that we stay here in Singapore, “comfortably” away from all the hate against Christians in other parts of the world. While people are running and hiding for their dear lives, here we are doing foolish things to each other, hurting each other, fighting amongst ourselves… Going beyond appreciating what we have, we have the luxury to starting thinking of what we want to give up, and we use our dear Lord as a shield to legitimize our foolish hurtful actions. What retarded beings we are. How bloody undeserving, but yet He loves us. So seriously, what is gain and what is loss? What are all these things compared to knowing Christ Jesus my Lord?

God is currently pushing me towards something big. He is doing this in some specific and elaborate steps, that sometimes come across as dead obvious what I am expected to pick up or try. But in some parts, I have no idea what is He doing, pushing me into things I have never dreamt of. Sometimes I feel as if God had passed me tasks meant for someone else, anyone else in the room except me, but then I cannot deny how personal his approach is, so.. it has to be for me right? Only I can understand that code, because that is between me and God. Or I feel as if God is idly, absent-mindedly swirling his finger in the contents of this bowl which is the universe, creating these little insignificant ripples that come crashing at me like tsunamis, and I break down and I cry and I question, what on earth was that and why did You do that for? Well, that clearly falls under ‘Things I may never know, but will ask God when I meet Him’. Really got to pray.

Brief Confrontation Walkthrough

I just feel that if you really want to step up to a confrontation with me, please kindly complete this mental process to evaluate if you should.

Identify/Recognise:
-status of friendship with me
-how much I care about your opinion
-if your intentions are good-natured, or ‘for my own good’

*If your reply is negative or not ideal in any of the above, avoid confrontation. Any attempt to confront will lose you HP. Should you insist to confront, please do not complain about my reaction.

If your reply is positive, proceed to evaluate need for confrontation based on these questions:
A. Do her decisions or thoughts really affect you?
if yes, proceed to B.
If no, you are just making a fuss out of nothing. Avoid confrontation.

B. Can you claim to know at least 95% of everything that happened?
if yes, proceed to C.
if no, go find out first. Before that, any attempt to confront will result in Vivien calling for someone to pass her a gun to shoot you.

C. Has Vivien showed evidence that she is aware of the problem?
If yes, proceed to D.
If no, sit her down and ask if she knows about it. If she doesn’t, let her know politely.

D. Has considerable time passed since the problem occurred, allowing her reasonable time to have prayed and thought everything through, evaluate options, calculate possible outcomes, weigh benefits against costs, run multiple repeated mental simulations before making a call to action?
-If yes, proceed to E.
-If no, either you sit her down and ask her what she thinks and be prepared for an incomplete answer, or you leave her alone to think about it before proceeding to E.

E. Has she acted on it?
-If yes, first ask her why, and then share what you think.
-if no, first ask her what she thinks about it, then share what you think.

F. Do your opinions clash with hers?
-if yes, make sure you have a good justification for it (enough to convince yourself), proceed to G.
-if no, give her a hug and figure out the next steps together.

G. Are you willing to step down from a confrontation if thrashing out shows that you have misunderstood something or that you are wrong?
-if yes, go ahead and confront with gentleness.
-if no, do not confront or play passive-aggressive until you fix your pride issues.

**I am not being arrogant. I just know myself well enough. I will instantly flare up if something goes too wrong with this process. If you have good intentions and you really want me to be a better person out of it, then focus on getting your precious message through the easiest and most painless way possible.

Burn Baby Burn

This song is kinda inspiring. Burn for the Lord, let’s go!

Burn Baby Burn

(by MercyMe in the album ‘Welcome to the New’)

And do we know exactly who we are
We hold the light but we still listen to the dark
And it tells us we that don’t measure up
And it tells us that we’ll never be enough, tell me
Do we know exactly who we are

We are the light
Light of the world
Light up the night
When will we learn
Now is our time
Now is our turn
To burn baby burn baby
Oh oh oh
Burn baby burn baby
Oh oh oh
Burn baby burn baby

And do we know exactly what we have
Why don’t we let it shine while we have the chance
It’s not so we can earn our place
We shine ’cause we’ve been saved by grace, tell me
Do we know exactly what we have

We are the light
Light of the world
Light up the night
When will we learn
Now is our time
Now is our turn
To burn baby burn baby
Oh oh oh
Burn baby burn baby
Oh oh oh
Burn baby burn baby

Oh we’re a city on a hillside
So bright keep on shining
Oh take that fire from the inside
Outside keep on burning

We are the light
Light of the world
Light up the night
When will we learn
Now is our time
Now is our turn
To burn baby burn baby
Oh oh oh
Burn baby burn baby
Oh oh oh
Burn baby burn baby
Oh oh oh
Burn baby burn baby
Oh oh oh
Burn baby burn baby

Unexpected rest night :)

I am so tired.

And I posted a very brief summary of my week on Facebook, and oh. my. gosh. the responses. I guess I could give thanks that people are erm, concerned about my life. I know there are people who are lah, versus mere curiosity. To my future boyfriend-turned-husband, good luck, a lot of people are interested to know you already. I do wonder if you have already appeared in my life yet or not, but no matter, all in His timing.

Other than that, I am amazed by what God is teaching me. Though, I feel like there is still a tinge of unwillingness in me to yield to His will. There is a lot of fear, and.. grudges. He’s pushing me in a certain direction that is OH, so uncomfortable (what’s new?!) but hmm, really making me think hard about everything. I am taking it slowly. I am asking God to let me take it in slowly. I do hope that I can sort this out by June or so. In case you are wondering, no, it is not about bgr or romance or that sorta thing. It is about praying in a specific way for my disciples, and the leaders in the church. I should really meet up with Jiamian to talk about it soon. It is getting very crowded here in my head, and I fear stepping out and doing something about it because I actually feel that some people don’t deserve that kind of treatment from me (especially if they had hurt me before), and it is not the social norm in our church, and… who am I to make the first move? But I am so touched by what God is teaching me, and I just pray that my heart may be changed and then my hands and feet will move to honour Him.

So.. thinking. thinking. thinking. Gonna read more of my book and then pray, and then sleep.

God, You are good.

God is good.

I am so tired. I can barely keep my eyes open. But I want to just stay here and thank God for a few things.

Service today – I brought my notebook but didn’t intend to write notes… because I was lazy to take it out of my bag. Until I heard this learning point about not letting your weakness become sin. I will never forget that for a long time. Because I have been a victim of people who think they cannot change and they are just like that. And I have always felt so bad about my weaknesses, enough to feel like it’s something I cannot change. But, with this, God reminds me that it is merely a weakness, and I can overcome it through His strength.

Miss Stephaine – We had a meaningful conversation today about that online survey about cell that I made them do. Quite overdue because I had to think about their responses and then come up with a strategy for their growth in the coming year. And I am excited about every single one of them. Decided to start with talking to Yanhui because we managed to find the time today, even though she was going to skip cell. I can’t wait to see God work through all of them. And I am so thankful we managed to do the zone gathering together. Please don’t ever take it for granted. It was hard work, and work well done, and all glory be to God.

LMZ – Idk. I thought we had a very meaningful sharing and BS today. To think about what is important and how to let God be part of every daily decision and to be seen in every action that we do. It is my prayer that all of you can be shining testimonies for the Lord wherever you go. Thanks for always being my pride and joy, even when I am such an inadequate leader and I always do stupid stuff. Thank God for the little walk Jingjing and I had today. It lasted for maybe less than 3 minutes, but that hug <3. It is so amazing that you picked out books you wanted to read too :), so proud is me.

Meetup with Zer Hien – Dude, you are dashing okay. DASHING. Haha. 🙂 Thank God for this boy who is willing to entertain my insecurities and just listen to me being a girl about things. It was nice meeting up and hearing his stories and I hoped that I managed to make him feel supported ba. He is a dear friend and I am feeling really optimistic about this friendship. Thank God that he is so, not judgmental when he hears about my stuff. Thank God he doesn’t read into my words, but just really take me for what I say. Thank God for this super random friendship and I pray for his safety and protection in army, that he may find favour in the eyes of his peers and superiors, have good health to handle all the physical challenges, a heart to love those who are unlovable in human eyes, and a firm guarded soul who wants to please God more than fulfilling any temptation.

Jingxin – whom I didn’t manage to talk to much this weekend except through text. But thank God for this boy who listens and sometimes drags me back to reality and/or God just by a single sentence. Thank God that he can tolerate my state of mind before I actually figure something out, haha. ❤

Thank God also for the short time I could spend with my family. It was really short. But I think my presence made a difference, and I pray that I can be a good testimony. May they too get to know and experience the beauty and love of our Lord, whether through me or my siblings or anyone else, I just pray that they get to see the Lord shine through everything and illuminate their lives. I am so super imperfect that it feels so impossible to ask, but not by my might or by my greatness, but by His alone.

Thank God for this weekend, and I look forward to loving more and blessing more people in the week to come. It is always a challenge, and one I will conquer with His strength.

Now that I am refreshed and renewed by Your love, please send me out to love and witness.

my head….

Dear Lord,

I know it’s late. And I have to sing for worship tomorrow. But I have so much thoughts on my mind, which I can’t just switch off at will, and then head to sleep. Because I know it is not settled within my heart, and I feel that if I don’t talk about this now, it is just going to be baggage and that is going to get between us. I am so glad and so thankful that You are such an unchanging and loving God. Where else can I go? Who else can I go to? No one will ever hear and understand and love me like You do. You know my darkest and dirtiest thoughts but still You choose to love me. I am so so so undeserving but yet You give me all these things. My life so insignificant and mundane and boring and selfish but yet You want to be here with me. I can never express how small I feel before You, but also extremely loved.

I think my ex-boyfriend has moved on, and may have gotten serious with another girl. When my friend alerted me about the news, I was wondering what kind of reaction I am supposed to have. Is there a Dummies guide for this or something? I really was quite confused about how to feel, but I think it has since boiled down to ‘As long as the girl is really sincere about him, and not out to cheat him and hurt him. I am really super chill about it.’ I really hope he finds someone who sincerely cares for and loves him wholeheartedly in the way he wants to be loved, something I found that I could no longer do. I am even having this ‘if you ever hurt my ex-boyfriend and all, you better watch out.’ ‘You better not let me find out he’s too good for you.’ kinda idea. Hahaha, I am such a joke. But.. you know, we lead separate lives now, and I can no longer play that role in his life. But Lord, I really pray that he can find You and the happiness You have designed for him. I am not sure how he is now, or what is going through his mind, but I just really pray that You give him the wisdom to discern and the patience to wait if well, he feels that You are not answering. I trust that he still holds a place in Your heart, and please just watch over him.

I don’t really enjoy the relationship speculation game recently, and I think I never really did. Every time I go to cell, we are talking about relationships and who to match with who. Tiring. There’s only one person I really care about now, You know who that is. But we both know why I am trying to forget and to let go and just to distance myself. I am tired of doing that too. I wish I didn’t have someone in my heart because other than that, I am not interested in entering a relationship. Not that I am swearing off boys, or I am traumatised, but ermm, I really don’t see the point of it now. I am not suppressing any desires either. There’s really a certain type of person I want to end up with, and every other friendship or relationship I can explore and all, but soon enough I will know whether there is a possibility. If we can’t even agree on a spiritual and/or moral level, I don’t need to look further. So, I am not picky or whatever. I just know what I want, someone who shares the same passion for You as I do, and wants to pursue You the same way. So, we can do it together! And wow, wouldn’t that be awesome. 🙂 Because if I am going to pour myself into it, I would hope for my boy to want to do the same – to want to pour himself out for You in the same way. It is not enough for him to understand what I want and be supportive, but want to do it together with me, not for me but for You, because You deserve nothing less than all I can give. Is that so much to ask?

And.. I feel like I am developing some really negative feelings about certain people in church. And I don’t know how to get rid of it. Why can’t people be more real? But then again, people may be afraid of being real because their real side is ugly? Then I would complain that they are so ugly. I really wish I didn’t think so much, and that I didn’t think so much into my interactions with people and try to look deeper at people and who they are. If I didn’t look so hard, then maybe I wouldn’t hurt myself that much either. God, give me a heart to love, help me to see them through Your eyes. Help me to see why You love them, so that I may love them too, because I love You. I want to go back to my hermit shell again. A place where I don’t have to care about so many these people and be worried about how they are doing, and worried about whether anyone is watching over them, and then sometimes being hurt by their actions. I am so tired.

 

Why do You let me see and feel all these things?

What do You want me to do about it?

CNY and some random thoughts about everything

I am proud to announce that I believe I have survived the worst parts of CNY. Specifically, day 1 and 2. I am really glad that my siblings and I are considered old enough to miss out on certain visitations if we want to. But I guess out of respect for our parents and elders, we still try to make it. Tough part comes in when my brother and I just really wish to be left alone studying, reading or meeting up with our own close friends, and my sister just wants to go out and be merry with her friends. Ahh wells, things we put ourselves to because we are Asian and our parents are Asians too. #asianwoes

I think my grandmother has spread the news about our (sister and I) relatively new singlehood status long and far. I did not have to entertain questions about boyfriends and marriage and whatever. Not that I would care if they really did ask. After my first few bumpy, emotional and insecure months after the breakup, I am really quite chill about these stuff, and I don’t see anything wrong with being single. It’s good really, and it could have been much better (and way less troublesome) if I haven’t fallen for someone else.

Managed to meet up with Jingxin, Yixuan, Yiran and Lobbie these two days. I am proud I managed to be so productive. Catching up with everyone was simply great. As usual, 3 hours were still insufficient for Jingxin and me; and I simply thank God for this friendship we share. And I hope I cared for him as much as he has made me feel like he cares for me. (Figure that out. Hahaha) I have missed out a bit of what’s going on with Yixuan’s life for a while, but I am glad we finally managed a meaningful catch up amidst both our crazy schedules, and I hope there will be more to come. The meet up with Yiran was super random and hurriedly decided, but much delayed because we were supposed to have a part 2 of our initial meet up back in January! Glad we caught up and we chatted about life and work and ministry and relationships and music and keyboard and all – which is pretty cool. I love whining to her about my more girly concerns, and love hearing her ‘aiya get used to it’ ‘it’s like that one la’ ‘what to do, like that lor.’ Yeah, for those who do know us personally, you will realise we switched roles. Hahaha. Lobbie….. I met up with her earlier this week actually. But it’s always cool how we can unload all our angst, confusion and weaknesses on each other and still end up laughing all the way home.

Also went for a lousy movie called Dragon Blade with my siblings and a bunch of church people. I think I would have rated it higher if it were in the comedy genre but noooooo, it’s more fantasy/history/action. To me, it was just gore, corny/cheesy/tacky lines + simplistic overarching theme. Which was a kinda pity because the star-studded cast was so good to watch, and were probably the movie’s saving grace. Perhaps, if they did it with another set of less impressive actors, the movie would not make it even in the comedy genre. I loved John Cusack’s performance! ❤ It was really pure bliss to watch. The depth of his acting. Awesome. But other than that, few other things caught my eye. The storyline was bad, but okay, I did manage to have a few good laughs (some of which were probably NOT intended by the producers).

Meanwhile, I have been deep in thoughts about certain things: the upcoming Student Camp in June, the boy I have feelings for, all of the kids I call my own, and the leaders who serve in and lead my humble church. I really feel quite lost about everything that is going on. I have even discovered spiritual gifts I never thought I would be blessed with. I don’t know how to pray about it or how to feel about it. And now, I am pretty tired… So I guess, I could elaborate on this tomorrow instead. 🙂

Pray.

can’t sleep. too much thoughts reeling through

I have been wanting to post something for about 3-4 weeks ago, but just couldn’t find the leisure time and energy to finish thinking and writing everything in one sitting. But hey, faithful readers, if any, here goes.

Well, a lot has happened since Jan. And I think I am still some place where it hurts a lot. I hate thinking about it but it creeps in, and it takes over entirely. So entirely and in such an overwhelming manner I forget who God is, and I have this urge to self-mutilate, to do stupid things to my body so I can feel physically, the pain and frustration I feel on the inside. Just as I type this, I mentally take stock of the belongings that could be suitable for the task. Despite how scary it sounds, I have never actually hurt myself in a visible way before – maybe, not too visible. My sanity still manages to stop me. And I am glad I am built that way. I grew up with life being mean and unreasonable and authoritative, but by God’s grace, I turned out pretty okay. Quite damaged, but still getting by.

Not all has been all black and dark and gloom. There have been happy times and people I give thanks for from the bottom of my heart for being true, patient and loving with me who is just so unstable and erratic at times. Qualities people associate with me – confident, perfectionist, aggressive, results-driven, ruthless, heartless, uncaring, strong, unfazed by nothing… what a joke. Hahaha. I am so damn weak I hate myself a lot. A big sorry to all out there who thought I was the above, and got drawn in wanting to be supported but in the end realising I need a lot more help than I seemed at first. I am truly the weakest and most unworthy of all. But God has blessed me with angels who never stop encouraging me to see Him and His glory, and did not abandon me when they saw me at my ugliest, and weakest, and who nag/shout/rage at me when I am about to throw myself into some pithole. You guys know who you are. There are some who have left my side, and gosh, it hurts. That’s where I am now.

Aww shucks. I am crying.

Days like this, I really wish I was that strong beautiful female warrior on a sparking white horse like how some people may envision me to be. In any case, that is, firstly, dreadfully unrealistic in today’s world (horse, seriously?); and of course not in the least bit representative of who I am. I am more like the slave with her hands tied to the back of a dirty mud-covered black horse struggling to keep up, but yet in my own misery, I am shouting to beautiful nobles and warriors on the horses ‘Careful! It hurts here. Don’t end up here.’ ‘Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?’ ‘I care about you, I want to listen to you.’ ‘Don’t worry, it will be alright.’ And sometimes (many times), I go crazy and start wailing stuff like ‘just kill me now’ Lols.

I am such an idiot.

I can think of good stuff to give thanks for. Like, really really good stuff. But somehow recently, I keep tuning in to the pain, and I wish and I pray so hard for things to be different – but how? I don’t even know how to start praying. Change of heart for me? For my friend to realise how much he has hurt me? For me to harden my heart to not be friends with him? For me to ignore my parents’ whining? For me to be heartless and unfeeling? Whatever it is, I can’t find a request that makes sense. Which is why I recently just lapse into silence after I decide to bow my head in prayer. Deep silence laced with pain just as deep.

I wonder if my entire process of trying to tune out is actually doing me more harm than good. And I don’t know if I am doing it the wrong way, I don’t know if I am trying to bury myself with work so I don’t have time to think about it. Sometimes I honestly honestly feel perfectly fine. And some days I hate that I am Vivien, the Vivien who is sensitive to changes and her environment. I learn from my experiences but my gift of observation and alertness serves to be a curse too. Nothing I pray about seems right. It’s either me trying to deny and get rid of the feelings, or me trying to be recognized as the victim and praying for righteous divine payback. So, if you are here reading this because you care about me, just pray for me to just submit to God, and to pray correctly.

*But, word of advice. Please don’t walk into my life and expecting to be cared about only this much, be ready to handle so much heart that you may just wanna quit. And if you do quit, then please respect I usually won’t want you coming back because I don’t want you to be in a position where you can hurt me again. This is why I hate making friends.