I have been wanting to post something for about 3-4 weeks ago, but just couldn’t find the leisure time and energy to finish thinking and writing everything in one sitting. But hey, faithful readers, if any, here goes.
Well, a lot has happened since Jan. And I think I am still some place where it hurts a lot. I hate thinking about it but it creeps in, and it takes over entirely. So entirely and in such an overwhelming manner I forget who God is, and I have this urge to self-mutilate, to do stupid things to my body so I can feel physically, the pain and frustration I feel on the inside. Just as I type this, I mentally take stock of the belongings that could be suitable for the task. Despite how scary it sounds, I have never actually hurt myself in a visible way before – maybe, not too visible. My sanity still manages to stop me. And I am glad I am built that way. I grew up with life being mean and unreasonable and authoritative, but by God’s grace, I turned out pretty okay. Quite damaged, but still getting by.
Not all has been all black and dark and gloom. There have been happy times and people I give thanks for from the bottom of my heart for being true, patient and loving with me who is just so unstable and erratic at times. Qualities people associate with me – confident, perfectionist, aggressive, results-driven, ruthless, heartless, uncaring, strong, unfazed by nothing… what a joke. Hahaha. I am so damn weak I hate myself a lot. A big sorry to all out there who thought I was the above, and got drawn in wanting to be supported but in the end realising I need a lot more help than I seemed at first. I am truly the weakest and most unworthy of all. But God has blessed me with angels who never stop encouraging me to see Him and His glory, and did not abandon me when they saw me at my ugliest, and weakest, and who nag/shout/rage at me when I am about to throw myself into some pithole. You guys know who you are. There are some who have left my side, and gosh, it hurts. That’s where I am now.
Aww shucks. I am crying.
Days like this, I really wish I was that strong beautiful female warrior on a sparking white horse like how some people may envision me to be. In any case, that is, firstly, dreadfully unrealistic in today’s world (horse, seriously?); and of course not in the least bit representative of who I am. I am more like the slave with her hands tied to the back of a dirty mud-covered black horse struggling to keep up, but yet in my own misery, I am shouting to beautiful nobles and warriors on the horses ‘Careful! It hurts here. Don’t end up here.’ ‘Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?’ ‘I care about you, I want to listen to you.’ ‘Don’t worry, it will be alright.’ And sometimes (many times), I go crazy and start wailing stuff like ‘just kill me now’ Lols.
I am such an idiot.
I can think of good stuff to give thanks for. Like, really really good stuff. But somehow recently, I keep tuning in to the pain, and I wish and I pray so hard for things to be different – but how? I don’t even know how to start praying. Change of heart for me? For my friend to realise how much he has hurt me? For me to harden my heart to not be friends with him? For me to ignore my parents’ whining? For me to be heartless and unfeeling? Whatever it is, I can’t find a request that makes sense. Which is why I recently just lapse into silence after I decide to bow my head in prayer. Deep silence laced with pain just as deep.
I wonder if my entire process of trying to tune out is actually doing me more harm than good. And I don’t know if I am doing it the wrong way, I don’t know if I am trying to bury myself with work so I don’t have time to think about it. Sometimes I honestly honestly feel perfectly fine. And some days I hate that I am Vivien, the Vivien who is sensitive to changes and her environment. I learn from my experiences but my gift of observation and alertness serves to be a curse too. Nothing I pray about seems right. It’s either me trying to deny and get rid of the feelings, or me trying to be recognized as the victim and praying for righteous divine payback. So, if you are here reading this because you care about me, just pray for me to just submit to God, and to pray correctly.
*But, word of advice. Please don’t walk into my life and expecting to be cared about only this much, be ready to handle so much heart that you may just wanna quit. And if you do quit, then please respect I usually won’t want you coming back because I don’t want you to be in a position where you can hurt me again. This is why I hate making friends.