day 2 of returning to hardcopy prayer journaling

It hurt a lot this morning. But it is good, because pain draws me closer to God. And it is always so comforting to reflect on how amazing He is, how big He is and that He still chooses to love someone as insignificant as me. 🙂

I am not really sure what’s happening with me now. I hope it isn’t the hormones making a mess out of nothing. I am starting to get a bit rebellious and just like can’t really be bothered with being too nice. I need to stop being a doormat. Not really because it is energy-sapping but because sometimes it really hurts when people start to take it for granted. As someone told me, ‘you are tapping into the mind of Jesus.’ Yes I am. I really don’t understand how He can pour himself out for people who won’t love him back, people who take His love for granted, people who misunderstand or think lighter of His love, or people who hate Him.

I cannot even start explaining how much Jesus amazes and humbles me. I have been pouring myself out for people who don’t love me back the same way, and gosh, it is tiring, and so so so heartbreaking. And I guess, the next person I pour myself out for has to be someone who loves me back as much. Which means, currently, I will only ever pour myself out for God, and no one else, well, maybe my immediate family and my grandparents who have already given up so much for me.

I just have a lot of issues about trusting people and letting people into my life now. People who promised they would be there, hahaahaha. Stop making a fool out of you and out of me. I am done hurting.

idk if something bad happened but

it really really hurts.

I just learnt about some stuff from someone I really trusted. I thought I was over it but my physical reaction to the news shocked even my mind. I felt like I was suffocating. I felt like falling into an instant deep sleep. I felt like I couldn’t speak or think clearly. I felt a headache coming. I felt the back of my neck getting warmed up which happens every time I feel extreme anxiety. I haven’t felt that way in a long long time.

Then my logic took over, for a brief while.

I thought I was over it. So, there is really no good reason for me to feel this way. My heart cannot convince my mind to make legitimate what it was feeling, but the reverse was also true. My mind could not convince my heart to stop hurting for something like that.

I tried desperately to calm myself down and told Trusted Someone that I really needed to go home and cry and get this whole thing out of my system and pray. I really just needed a space alone to cry and pray.

I wonder why the living room is empty tonight. Usually my grandmother would watch her taiwan drama till 10pm. But I am glad no one is out here to see me hurting. I will cry not because I think it is worth me breaking my heart over, but because it is my coping mechanism to vent my feelings out without doing stupid things to others or to myself. I will cry because I want to feel better again and be assured not just in my mind, but with my heart, my soul and my strength that God is God.

He gives and He takes away. His timing is pefect. His love lasts forever. Christ is enough for me.

I sang it out so hard yesterday during worship. I truly believe that Christ is enough for me. In that light, I told God, I will give up even this for You. I will, because you are God. Just like what I did almost a year ago, I surrender this before your altar again. If that’s what You want on the altar, take it. I am willing. My life and my heart is Yours, and I don’t want it to belong to anyone else. No one will be worth it, except You. That is my promise, please give me what it takes to keep it and honour You with nothing less than my life.

Dear Lord, thank you for such an amazing day. 🙂 You are good indeed.

i suppose i should update because i don’t wanna be left

w a gloomy post as my my latest post. Because I am nothing like gloomy these days.

Yeah I was quite disappointed that night because there’s weren’t kind AND free souls left in the world to help me for decor. It was really driving me nuts and I had to SOS a friend who wasn’t being very nice about it but on some thought, I guess he thought he was being objective, which came off as rather insensitive. Oh wells, I am over it. My friend is like that sometimes. He pisses me off to no end sometimes, and people occasionally ask me to stay far far away but I still manage to forgive and get all involved in and invested in the friendship again. Is that stupid or what. Story of my life, for quite a while now.

I was pretty much recovered by Sunday night because God is good! 🙂 I honestly think it is quite hard to stay miserable when I think of how good God is. I didn’t always use to be like that, but well, seems like I have come a long way since then. Hahaha.

I haven’t touched the wedding decor for days. I was pretty stressed out on Wednesday when I went down to church to do it but like whoa, I am just too taxed mentally to continue on it for this weekend. I am also quite busy, so I can’t find the time to conduct everything and do it. I really need a break from this so I can come back stronger, which I believe I will. I am just kinda in limbo at the moment.

Also, the great LKY passed away this week. My schedule was just too packed to afford a 8-10hour wait at the Parliament House. I really wanted to go. I posted on Facebook that I am kind of in shock that he’s gone. I guess somewhere inside me, I always thought he would be here for us to complain about, to take for granted. Now that he’s gone, I am suddenly impacted by all that he has done for Singapore. While his methods and ways may have been debatable, I shall quote my mum ‘He was really, you know, all Singapore.’ He gave up so much to build what we have, what we enjoy and what we still complain about today. I really have so much respect for him and his team. All I could afford Mr LKY was a minute at the Bedok Community Tribute. There was a long snaking queue near midnight yesterday, and I saw more people joining the queue. I was really tired from my week, so I didn’t queue up. I just stood there and watched for a few minutes, remembering the man I learnt about in textbooks. The generation is just different now uh? Our thoughts, our philosophies, our values, our principles or even our determination. There’s so much for us to learn from our founding fathers, especially that courage and that determination.

Okay I am not feeling that well, so can’t really expand on this. And I am getting a bit upset about something that’s going on about a new service area I was offered. It’s quite burdensome, really. But it doesn’t change my heart for God and for music. 🙂

Looking forward to a new day! =D

disappointment :/

I don’t think I even want to hold a wedding anymore. I am losing faith in my fellowmen.

I have *deep breaths*on top of my daily work, a driving test coming up next week, consecutive driving lessons every day until the test, 4 tuition classes every week, 1 piano class every week, 1 cd lesson every week and friday nights are usually burnt by lent revival or ninja. Specially for next week, my thursday has also been taken up by prayer comm meeting.

I would love to have a free day just to start on new stuff for decor! But as you can see, I can’t.

I still have my small and big cell to love, on top of other random people I really really really really care about.

I also need to spend time with my family.

But a promise is a promise.

I would be really upset to learn that the people I thought would bless my wedding and be happy for me and be supportive… well, maybe… ah, I don’t know.

I veh tired, and this is not my wedding so I better jolly well get the job done nicely, because that is my blessing to the couple. I will get this over before I think about anything else.

<3

Watching this programme called Kings Cross ER on 403: Crime & Investigation.

This old man just had multiple, consecutive heart attacks. He broke down at a railway station, had someone exercise CPR on him, ‘revived’ and got sent to an ER at St Vincent’s Hospital in Sydney, where he continued to slip in and out of consciousness, as they tried repeatedly to resuscitate him for good and keep him conscious.

His brain was probably deprived of oxygen for more than 4 minutes (more than the normal human’s threshold). He was unable to really comprehend or understand the medical staff’s questions at first. He admitted to having a history of high cholesterol and breathing problems. But fearing they missed out something, they decided to contact his family for information on his medical history. He said that he was from Columbia, which of course, shocked the medical staff, because that meant a delay in getting information. As they continued to check on his condition, someone else got on the phone to contact his family and found that the man was on medication for diabetes.

He finally became conscious enough to communicate in a lucid manner but still had to reply on a breathing mask, for the medical staff to explain the next immediate medical procedures to him. After that, another staff came to explain the situation to him saying ‘How are you feeling? Do you know what happened to you?’
‘Yes, I had a heart attack.’
‘Yes, a very nasty one. So now they will bring you up to _____ to do that __________ he explained to you earlier.’
‘but, I am not from Sydney.’
The staff nearly cut him off with her reply, and was really really stern when she said ‘But, you need to understand this is something we have to do for you right now, okay? After what happened, we really need to do this for you, alright?’

Well, her answer stunned me, and then love flooded my heart. I believe in tough love. I think if I were there, I would just be ‘And with all due respect sir, do you think I am going to let you die just because you are not from Sydney?’

(Well…. maybe that’s why it’s a good idea for the world that I had no calling to join a workplace like that.)

If I were the man, I would probably start bawling like a baby to receive such a treatment somewhere so far away from home and loved ones.

I have been thinking a lot about death lately. I don’t know what God is trying to teach me. I am not suicidal. Haha, just kept thinking about death, and what it means.

I was really impacted just earlier today when I came across this article (I can’t remember the original source, but there were multiple, just plucked the first link on Google). Hmmmmm. I don’t know I don’t know.

Should I be amazed?

This is actually the second time I am typing this post. 

I don’t know what I did but I deleted my entire draft. Which was just arghhhhhh, which is quite unfair because I really do need to get sleep. But I decided that I should just finish typing this out properly, even if it’s different from the first version,

Well, so I met up with someone today, and the meeting turned out really nice. It was really unexpected. Not that I ever hated this person or what, well, maybe I did, some 10 years ago, hahaha. He was really annoying then, and I believed he knew it too. 

But so, what’s the chance of me uncovering an old complete set of lyrics and someone offers to write a tune to it? I don’t know why the conversation suddenly turned to music, and we started talking about songwriting, and I felt shameless enough to share the songs I wrote. This particular set of lyrics that was totally abandoned, haha. I completed it last October apparently, but no one has ever seen it. Well, maybe just one person who apparently didn’t care enough to get back to me… It happens.

While I was scrolling through my list of songs, it really dawned on me how much I have grown over the year, since I started messing around with songwriting. And I have really been blessed so much more than I expected or deserved. Whether by God or by people around me, I am really glad that all these people were sort of there to walk through a song journey with me, because each song tells a different story, a different life episode and how God was at the center of it all.

1. I Believe – special thanks to supeng and chelsea for contributing so much to the tune and even the lyrics. I love the entire song. It is my first, and I wrote the  first draft of lyrics in 45 minutes on an early morning bus ride to work. It was written at a time where I felt really strongly about choosing God above the world. Not that I do less now, but I was way more emotionally sensitive above it then.

2. The unfinished Psalm 63 song – it’s my favorite Psalm. It’s beautiful. I only managed to compose a chorus with a tune. Thanks to lobs and qixin for tolerating all my midis and contributing ideas. Thanks also for being encouraging about it and telling me I don’t have to complete the song, that it just has to be a chorus, and that may be enough. Looking back, maybe it was a really nice way of telling me ‘seriously, you need to stop sending us horrible demos’

3. Love like You – thanks to supeng and jiachen who were my very first listeners, and offered so willingly to suggest edits. Thanks to supeng, jingxin and weijie for helping me to record my first demo. Thanks to Eugene who was supportive enough to bring his recording equipment down. Special thanks to suwei who understood what I was trying to do with the song and why I wrote the verse funny! Not many people get that on their first try.

4. The unfinished modern Israelites song which I have two language versions of – thanks again to supeng and jiachen for the same reason above. And thanks to yongsheng who made it feel like ‘yessss, I have to translate it to Chinese.’ So I did, and I really should get back to this.

5. Random complete set of lyrics about unity in Christ – thanks to yixuan who prompted me to write this. We were supposed to work on a song together for the youth camp in December, we had something going and we abandoned that things got busy and confusing for us as friends. But that’s what prompted to write my own version. Special thanks to suwei who actually thinks this may be worth an attempt to compose a tune. 🙂

6. The song I was supposed to write for the church’s 40th anniversary – hmmmm. Still in progress and may be combined with one of the unfinished songs above. Something I felt quite strongly about at first, but has somewhat faded in intensity, because I haven’t really wrapped my head around the meaning and theme in the song, and my Chinese language skills are kind of limiting, haha.

So blessed to have people do this with me. 🙂

主的喜乐是我力量

主的喜乐是我力量

(赞美之泉,2004)
你的救恩是我盼望
虽然橄榄树不效力
也许葡萄树不结果
我仍因救我的神欢欣快乐
我要赞美 无论得时或不得时
我要赞美 每天从日出到日落
我心坚定于你 每天赞美不停
我要赞美 跳舞赞美
我要赞美 自由赞美
大声欢呼 你是永远得胜君王
我要赞美 无论得时或不得时
我要赞美 每天从日出到日落
我心坚定于你 每天赞美不停
我要赞美 跳舞赞美
我要赞美 自由赞美
我要赞美 跳舞赞美
我要赞美 自由赞美
大声欢呼 你是永远得胜君王

I cannot believe I was only 14 when this song was written, and it came back to bless me so richly 9 years later. We sang this song for Saturday service yesterday, and an extremely vivid memory from 2013 entered my mind, and I really worshiped the Lord from the bottom of my pathetic existence. 2013 wasn’t the first time I heard this song. I remembered trying out some horrible horrible introduction for it when I was still an inexperienced keyboardist in the youth fellowship back in 2004/5. *shudders*

But God changed my life in 2013. He removed something from my life that I probably idolized to an extent that I loved it more than I ever loved Him. And I am so glad He did.

The day after the big thing happened, everyone in the church was so demoralised. I guess some of us could have canceled leave and went on home, but our hearts and our spirits were broken. We sent the students off in a happy mood, all cheery and strong, but when they left, we huddled in our groups and just stared at the floor silently. As for me, I was in charge of everything that year, and it really shook me hard. I was so shaken after sending the students off that I hid upstairs and cried and only spoke to everyone by typing on a screen. Haha. No apologies there. It was a rough night, an intense ending to an even more intense day and preparation.

So we made it through the night. We just went crazy doing our own stuff, coping with the pain and the questions. No one was even questioning why we were not sleeping at 4am or why the lights are still on. The church staff told me to do what I need and just let everyone stay over if they want to, we don’t have to pack up and go home tonight. Everyone is hurting and everyone is tired. Even though everyone had perfectly enough time to make their way home, no one wanted to, and seems like we were not ordered to leave the premises anyway.

The next morning, the haze was just insane. It probably shot up to like 400 or so? INSANE. I don’t know why on earth most of us started to gather in the open air side hall. The haze was insane so we eventually closed all the sides to enclose ourselves inside but eventually it was so uncomfortable for us to breathe in the side hall that some genius (bless your soul whoever you were), said ‘errr, the haze is kinda strong. shall we go into the main sanctuary?’. When we got in, everyone was just sitting down and staring at the floor, of course, the centrepiece of the entire sanctuary – the cross. My senior got hold of the guitar, and I don’t know what happened, we began to sing songs of praise, without lyrics and scores.. just purely from memory, and where we forgot lyrics – lalalalala.

It hurt at first. I didn’t hate on God, but I was just so numb from all the crying I did, and all the thinking I did.

But eventually, when we got to this song, I really sang with all my heart. Despite all the questions and even sense of betrayal that I felt, I wanted to praise and I wanted to worship this amazing God. Yeah, I could not see anything past the church carpark outside, but I knew God was right there with us.

Yeah, maybe when you are hurting, it seems like it is the wrong time to sing. But only when you start to praise, then you realise it is something we are all born to do, and in a way, as natural as breathing, because it’s about how beautiful He is, not the circumstances.

All glory be to You, forever and ever.

what an intense day.

Well, today turned out even more intense than I thought. Yeah, my schedule was kinda insane.

I was chatting with a friend about some stuff till late the night before, it was a good thought-stimulating kinda chat. I like.

But I still managed to crawl out of this awesome thing also known as The Bed this morning to go to work at MBS Hotel, which went pretty alright. It was empty enough (in terms of biodiversity), for me to read my book between bouts, and just relax my mind. Instead of going down to Bugis for my breakfast break, I decided to stay up in the garden for a nap, and some furious texting followed.

I rushed home to drop my stuff, packed a new bag and headed off to Bedok Mall almost immediately for lunch with Lobs. I feel kind of bad going out so often, but I honestly do not have much of a choice. There isn’t food cooked at home so I have to go out to grab food anyway (might as well eat out w someone), and I really have too much going on in my life right now, that I am rushing from one appointment to another.

My grandmother is complaining that I am always outside, but hey, you know what, I am seriously super fatigued too. I wish I could stay at home, but there are just things I absolutely have to do – tuition classes, driving lessons, piano lessons, and character development lessons at AHS. I don’t need additional support from my family and I don’t expect it but I really hope and pray that they can be more understanding of how I view my dreams/goals and financial situation. It is not realistic for me to stay at home when I can be making more money to save up, and I feel like I have to. It is also not realistic for me to give up on the driving lessons, which consumes the main bulk of my time. It’s ending soon, I am going to take my test and I will try my best to pass it, and end of story.

I want to take my naps and catch up on my data entry. Who in their right mind would want to go out all the time, if home is really such a pleasant place to hide out in? All this unhappiness is really making me irk going home, even if I am fatigued. So much so that I feel like moving to my parents’ place. I really dislike it when people just demand my time and attention without considering that I need healing and recovery and rejuvenation too, and I need time alone because sometimes giving certain people time and attention does not serve to help me mentally or emotionally one bit – one reason why I broke up with the ex. I really need patience and love dealing with my grandmother. One thing I really lacked while growing up is a supportive family who believed I could be better, and that they could do something to help me reach my potential – which is why I hold such strong views about mentoring and growing young people these days, and will probably always do. I don’t want people to be damaged the way I was, and have to haul themselves back up, and I would hurt myself before if I ever willingly or knowingly let my kids go through that.

After lunch with Lobs, we rushed down to church to continue on wedding decoration for one of our friends. I had to leave early to go for tuition class with Amanda, but I think they did quite a lot. 🙂 Hope this works out well. We had to do this insane backdrop, actually, we are still far from completion, haha. It involved me putting a string through these fragile little paper cones that we folded up – and I told God, may every little cup I put through this string be a prayer for these two individuals who will soon become one unit in You. And I think of the hundreds of cups we need to fold for this annoying couple, I am sure the blessings God gives will be so abundant that we can’t count them all. 🙂 #lingtingeugene

I then went for the first of the Lent Revival series. It was a really meaningful piece. And once again, I marvel at another name given to a boy of the Cheng family. I am slowly appreciating and realising the importance of prayer, and now God teaches me how to fear and obey Him. What beautiful names and what beautiful lessons to learn and absorb and apply. I shall leave this for another post.

I originally intended to unload my feelings about a very complicated situation with someone because I felt like the layered emotions and numerous unanswered questions was really just killing my soul. But thinking about the message just now, the problem seems a lot smaller and manageable and in fact, straightforward. Vivien, continue to love her ba. Pray for her and help her in the most appropriate ways possible, even if that means you are not the one loving her directly. But… it is seriously killing my soul. 😦

And, God is good. I am still alive and breathing and have a small fire (whom I want to pour fuel into) for God. 🙂

Check out my instagram @vivienlimin. God blessed and greeted me with a beautiful sunrise this morning on the gardens. I was just telling my friend how loved I felt when I saw the slow rising sun. ‘See that Vivien? I love you. I loved you yesterday, my love is new again for you today, as long as the sun rises, I will love you, so much so that even when it stops shining, you will know I love you too.’ ❤