I cannot believe I was only 14 when this song was written, and it came back to bless me so richly 9 years later. We sang this song for Saturday service yesterday, and an extremely vivid memory from 2013 entered my mind, and I really worshiped the Lord from the bottom of my pathetic existence. 2013 wasn’t the first time I heard this song. I remembered trying out some horrible horrible introduction for it when I was still an inexperienced keyboardist in the youth fellowship back in 2004/5. *shudders*
But God changed my life in 2013. He removed something from my life that I probably idolized to an extent that I loved it more than I ever loved Him. And I am so glad He did.
The day after the big thing happened, everyone in the church was so demoralised. I guess some of us could have canceled leave and went on home, but our hearts and our spirits were broken. We sent the students off in a happy mood, all cheery and strong, but when they left, we huddled in our groups and just stared at the floor silently. As for me, I was in charge of everything that year, and it really shook me hard. I was so shaken after sending the students off that I hid upstairs and cried and only spoke to everyone by typing on a screen. Haha. No apologies there. It was a rough night, an intense ending to an even more intense day and preparation.
So we made it through the night. We just went crazy doing our own stuff, coping with the pain and the questions. No one was even questioning why we were not sleeping at 4am or why the lights are still on. The church staff told me to do what I need and just let everyone stay over if they want to, we don’t have to pack up and go home tonight. Everyone is hurting and everyone is tired. Even though everyone had perfectly enough time to make their way home, no one wanted to, and seems like we were not ordered to leave the premises anyway.
The next morning, the haze was just insane. It probably shot up to like 400 or so? INSANE. I don’t know why on earth most of us started to gather in the open air side hall. The haze was insane so we eventually closed all the sides to enclose ourselves inside but eventually it was so uncomfortable for us to breathe in the side hall that some genius (bless your soul whoever you were), said ‘errr, the haze is kinda strong. shall we go into the main sanctuary?’. When we got in, everyone was just sitting down and staring at the floor, of course, the centrepiece of the entire sanctuary – the cross. My senior got hold of the guitar, and I don’t know what happened, we began to sing songs of praise, without lyrics and scores.. just purely from memory, and where we forgot lyrics – lalalalala.
It hurt at first. I didn’t hate on God, but I was just so numb from all the crying I did, and all the thinking I did.
But eventually, when we got to this song, I really sang with all my heart. Despite all the questions and even sense of betrayal that I felt, I wanted to praise and I wanted to worship this amazing God. Yeah, I could not see anything past the church carpark outside, but I knew God was right there with us.
Yeah, maybe when you are hurting, it seems like it is the wrong time to sing. But only when you start to praise, then you realise it is something we are all born to do, and in a way, as natural as breathing, because it’s about how beautiful He is, not the circumstances.
All glory be to You, forever and ever.