As I said on Facebook, I have so much to think about. And lately I am just being a teenager about it. Sorry for the labeling. Hahaha, but I recall the times when I was a teenager and I kept looking for things to fill the gap: the empty times, the storm of thoughts going in my head, the hazy but prickly feelings of resolution and emotion. I just didn’t want to really sit down and think about it.
Today, I suppose I don’t really want to talk to God about it. I just don’t know what He would say, even if I figured out what I wanted to say. Yep, so that’s the problem right? I am shutting Him out on purpose. I am really not sure what He would say, and sometimes it’s just way way easier to carry on with my life without ever finding out. Then go out into the wilderness, get bumped around before coming back in tears and apologies. Stupid, hahaha.
I guess many things are begging for my attention these days, and I am feeling a bit crowded out. There’s just so much to do and achieve and complete and excel in, that I forget these gifts I have – God gave them to me, and so I got to use it for something bigger.
I told Chinhan the other day. I really love nature and creation and being out there in the wild environment where there are no people to annoy me, no worldly concerns to distract me from knowing God in what I believe, is one of the most intimate ways, or even fighting for a environmental cause with fervor because this is God’s creation! But the greatest (arguable, and highly dependent on how anti-social I feel) creation of all is man. And I guess God has put in me a burden for fellow men as well, as much as I tell God to take it away so I can retreat into the woods and live there forever. Even though there are stuff I rather be doing if I were given a choice, God made me see that investing in lives is what He wants me to do in this phase of my life. I believe investing in the lives of other Christians is going to be way way more rewarding and meaningful because this is where God wants me to be.
Am I good enough a leader? Probably not. Haha. I know my flaws, or at least I know where I wanna improve on. I am still learning bit by bit. But I don’t want to try be a good Christian only on days where I am the cell group leader. I want to try be a good Christian every day because I love God, and the by-product of that is that it probably makes me a pretty good leader. It is what I, as a follower, would want to see in my leaders – that you try to be better every day, you try to love God more every day. And at the bottom of all this, I am really doing it because I know God is the source of all the good things in my life. The truly good things. Not the good coffee down the road, not wealth, not education….. not any of these things that have material to it. Just, something else, indescribable and utterly beautiful. I wish for people to catch that brilliant and infectious joy too, and be so overwhelmed by its goodness that they have to pass it on.
This is what meeting a person can do to me – make me thinkkkkkk.