31/08/2015

I woke up at 530am thinking if I should go back to sleep. Stupid right? Of course I went back to sleep hahaha, but still having residual, borderline depression kinda feels from last night.

I thank God silently for the fact that today’s garden is at Eunos. My nearest garden – I can wake up at 610am, leave home at 630am, take public transport, not be afraid of missing a train or bus and still reach on time. It’s a luxury for me. But I still dragged my feet on thinking it’s gonna be another work day… you know, work.

When I arrived at the garden, I was comforted by the beautiful skies. It was like God telling me, ‘I am here. I have always been.’. Nope, I didn’t really get any ‘satisfactory answers’ but I guess all I really needed to know was that He’s here with me. I haven’t seen the picture-worthy skies for a long time, and just walking in the garden with the cool breeze blowing into my hair – my heart is warm and my mind is cool.

I can’t wait to see what God does next. But I just ask that He brings me along when He does it. I am kinda lost, the usual feeling I get before a planned event passes, and I just need to pray and hold on to this tight.

hmm.

I don’t really feel like sleeping again. :\

I feel like I have a lot to say to God, but I don’t know where to start. So I just sat there for a long time with my hands clasped, my head bowed, my eyes closed, my mind full and my lips still.

I hope for quite a few things these days. But I also have blank moments like these where I can think of a lot of things at the same time with no purpose or meaning or story to it.

I just got myself an ice pop from the fridge :)) , hopefully it can help me think. Or at least help to calm this storm in me.

I guess… it just feels like God doesn’t hear me sometimes. Maybe He’s tired of asking me to wait. I suppose I am just in a place, a temporary one, where I can’t see beyond the physical and maybe I have a lot more to learn about God and why I can trust in Him without fear. I really do, I guess.

wow

Born dead | Baby defies odds after traumatic delivery

some nights

there are some nights where I feel like I could stay up and chat with God all night. And this is one of those nights.

But I can’t stay up because I have keys duty tomorrow. So, off to bed soon!

I have been reading Brian Houston’s ‘Live, Love, Lead’ and it has been pretty amazing. I liked Hillsong but it was only recently through JingXin that I really got to appreciate who Hillsong worships and what they stand for when they do music. As time went along, they really became my inspiration. That they could break down barriers with music, and allow people to experience and see God through music. And in our church, there’s always this question about how to worship, where I often think people forget that worship can be done with our everything – how we live our lives, how we love others, the kind of attitude we bring to working environments and others who come into contact with us. I am really very very imperfect in this respect but I can say I have come a long way since I first started this journey for real, and I am headed in the right direction, albeit in small baby steps.

With the upsetting incidents I have been dealing with in my current service areas, I felt like I was pushed to my limits and I did break down a few times. But God really carried me through and helped me to do the right thing. On top of that, ‘Live, Love, Lead’ came to me at a very appropriate time. Even though JingXin apologises for passing the book and CD late because he wanted to finish the book first (along with a very sweet card :)), I couldn’t help but feel that the timing was just perfect. It came at a time where I was hurting beyond measure, and I felt like God was being so unfair to me. I didn’t wallow in self-pity but I really felt agony that was one of a kind. I haven’t felt that unhappy for a long time. But yet, I can feel God slowly working His way through my heart as I continued to pray and ask Him for that peace and love that He gives so freely and abundantly, and also as I read ‘Live, Love, Lead’. I would have these questions and these thoughts, and brushing them aside temporarily, I would go to the book, and find my answers right there! It is not as if I planned it, or expected it, or sneakily choosing relevant chapters. I just read the guy’s life as he wrote in his book, and wow, did it speak to me.

God is really good. He hears us and He loves us. So sick right? I know. I can’t believe it sometimes either, but it’s true. How can a God like that, love and die for someone like me? I don’t understand and I don’t think I ever will.

I just started on a new book for my spiritual journal today and feeling all kinds of happy. 🙂 Can’t wait to see the next day. As Zhongyun said today, she feels differently when she looks at every sunset and sunrise, and is excited at what new things God will bring to the new day. I guess for me, I am just reminded of how constant God is. Even while I am such an unstable, fickle-minded person, God never changes. ❤

Where do broken hearts go?

I know it’s been some time
But there’s something on my mind
You see, I haven’t been the same
Since that cold November day
We said we needed space
But all we found was an empty place
And the only things I learned
Is that I need you desperately

So here I am
And can you please tell me, oh

[Chorus]
Where do broken hearts go
Can they find their way home
Back to the open arms
Of a love that’s waiting there
And if somebody loves you
Won’t they always love you
I look in your eyes
And I know that you still care, for me

I’ve been around enough to know
That dreams don’t turn to gold
And that there is no easy way
No you just can’t run away
And what we have is so much more
Than we ever had before
And no matter how I try
You’re always on my mind

So here I am
And can you please tell me, oh

Where do broken hearts go
Can they find their way home
Back to the open arms
Of a love that’s waiting there
And if somebody loves you
Won’t they always love you
I look in your eyes
And I know that you still care for me

And now that I am here with you
I’ll never let you go
I look into your eyes
And now I know, now I know

Where do broken hearts go
Can they find their way home
Back to the open arms
Of a love that’s waiting there
And if somebody loves you
Won’t they always love you
I look in your eyes
And I know that you still care

Where do broken hearts go
Can they find their way home
Back to the open arms
Of a love that’s waiting there
And if somebody loves you
Won’t they always love you
I look in your eyes
And I know that you still care for me, for me
You still care for me

Written by Chuck Jackson and Frank Wildhorn

Sung by Whitney Houston

cramming stuff in my head

It’s National Day. And I feel kinda lost. I still have too much thoughts in my head, as usual.

Yeah. It’s the Jubilee Weekend, but I am seriously at a loss what to do: where to be, what to do, what to think. All Saints’ has always been home to me, but just these few weeks, I have some real issues to think about. What does it mean when we talk about ‘home’, ‘unity’, ‘love’, we throw all these big words out there in our worship songs, in our prayers. How much do we believe in our words, how much is shown in our actions and in our service?

Not by chance, I guess. Maybe that’s the answer I have been looking for.

我的家 (Sung by Kit Chan; Written by Dick Lee)

每一次我感到彷徨
不自禁就会回头望
我知道心中有个地方
一定会有一盏灯
照亮每一颗黑暗的心房
指引未来方向
沿着生命河流向前航
就能登陆理想

我的家 收藏
我的欢喜悲伤
只要点燃希望
梦就会自由飞翔
我的家 给我
一双坚定翅膀
我的梦 不论在何方
一生的爱唯有家

再也不会感到彷徨
不会再失意回头望
我要用心中一点烛光
燃放千万户辉煌
要让繁华的城市更灿烂
世界和平共享
全凭生命河流来导航
一起登陆理想

一生的爱 唯有家
世世代代温暖的家

burdensome, endless circle in life

Been really bogged down by petty people problems lately. I find it a bit too burdensome and tiring and it’s burning me out. God continues to amaze me because He can love all of these conflicting, disagreeing groups (like me and them, and them and other people etc etc) at the same time, and He cannot possibly love anyone more. How is that even possible…. -.- me closing my eyes in an attempt to achieve zen mode but fails. Well, I guess, it’s because our God can do the most impossible things. But oh gosh, I really feel like throwing a tantrum myself, kick up a big fuss over nothing and then expect people to take the initiative to solve my issues. I would really love that, just sitting there creating fires for sad people to put out and make them think they are wrong to make me lose my cool. I mean, that totally makes sense right………… totally. Or take the other option of being manipulative and going one big round to get my way rather than just facing it head-on. Both of which I can do simply, but yet, I cannot bring myself to.

Just just…try and look beyond your own misery, guys. Stop making other people take responsibility for your insecurities and your out-of-control moments. Realised your mistake? Apologise, reconcile, change, move on. Don’t get stuck there and say ‘I can’t move on. You are asking me to move on, based on what? What do I have?’ You have nothing man people, none of us ever did. It is not about you, your rank, your abilities or your experience. It’s just the simple fact that we are doing this for God. So if you would just get over yourself and your self-pity, let’s all man up together and do this thing right. Save the justifications, save the whining, save all your thoughts about you having to do this alone and ‘poor old me’, save all your desperate attempts to make your own life easier by your own efforts and manipulations, sound it out to the right people, offer honesty and receive help in return – MOVE ON. If you keep complaining how people make it difficult for ministry efforts to move on, please sit back and see how you can AVOID CONTRIBUTING to the problem, because we all happen to be human, we all have stupid issues we are blind to. So omigosh, pretty pretty please go get some help in the right places and stop creating rifts between those you report to, you are working with, and yourself. You are not helping yourself, or anyone, or the ministry or God. I am not perfect either and I have my moments too, but at the end of the day, I am the one making effort to set things right. I can say this for sure because it hurts everytime I do it, but yet I stupidly throw myself into it every time thinking it matters. It is frustrating that sometimes, the other party is unwilling to do the same and just wants me to yield. The power of heartfelt apologies and humility to melt and gain the respect of even the hardest of hearts (eg, mine) should never be held back. But God sees all of our hearts and intentions ba, and that comforts me when I feel that people just don’t understand. And we have people reading this right now saying ‘yeah lah yeah lah I don’t understand you. you are the one with the issues, not me.’ Then seeeeeeee, we always think we are the ones without the issues, and even if we admit we do, we are not part of the problem, or we admit we have issues, and my issues are more legit than someone else’s.

yes yes yes…….but that doesn’t make sense.

I admit I have issues yes, but I am willing to hear people out, though I think it can be hard to take me on because I won’t be willing to let go until I am satisfied with the explanation. I believe you are only entitled to have an opinion you can justify, if you can’t, the least (and the most) you could do is to be honest about it, that goes a long way to get me to soften my stance. (Refer to first sentence of this paragraph) Speak to me honestly and nicely and without provoking me to anger unless me shouting at you is one of the desirable outcomes on your checklist, if not, please don’t play with fire.

But okay okay okay okay, I suppose we need to move on rather than being stuck here discussing what people should be aware of and what they should do about their lack/presence of awareness. Just needed to let all this out somewhere before I lose my mind. But, I may lose it anyway, so.

HAPPY SUNDAY GUYSSSS. I am trying, I hope we all get there eventually.

A few realizations, with some pain too

This has been quite an upsetting few days for me.

Basically, I am just wishing I didn’t have this gift. I wish I didn’t have this striking awareness of stuff, and then having to deal with misunderstandings. Even as if you are reading this, whoever you are, it is not a quality you will never admit you don’t have. Awareness is tricky like that. If you were aware, you will only know yourself more and be frustrated by others. If you are not aware, chances are, you will still think you are aware and it’s because people are too stupid and/or oversensitive for you (THOUGH SOMETIMES THEY MAY JUST BE GIVING IN TO YOUR UNAWARENESS FOR A WHILE). So in either way, it is about the same thing. Just that perhaps rather than humble confidence, the latter unaware group may be the people who just reek of arrogant insensitivity. Awareness is tricky because you need the humility to accept the fact or possibility that you are unaware, and I think more often than not, this humility allows you to step back and take a good look at what’s happening. I know I have a gift because this is all just very unnatural for me to possess. I like to be the ignorant person who burns down everything I choose to walk through. I don’t want to have to consider feelings of others, not because I am mean, but because I am so unaware. I like to be unaware.