burdensome, endless circle in life

Been really bogged down by petty people problems lately. I find it a bit too burdensome and tiring and it’s burning me out. God continues to amaze me because He can love all of these conflicting, disagreeing groups (like me and them, and them and other people etc etc) at the same time, and He cannot possibly love anyone more. How is that even possible…. -.- me closing my eyes in an attempt to achieve zen mode but fails. Well, I guess, it’s because our God can do the most impossible things. But oh gosh, I really feel like throwing a tantrum myself, kick up a big fuss over nothing and then expect people to take the initiative to solve my issues. I would really love that, just sitting there creating fires for sad people to put out and make them think they are wrong to make me lose my cool. I mean, that totally makes sense right………… totally. Or take the other option of being manipulative and going one big round to get my way rather than just facing it head-on. Both of which I can do simply, but yet, I cannot bring myself to.

Just just…try and look beyond your own misery, guys. Stop making other people take responsibility for your insecurities and your out-of-control moments. Realised your mistake? Apologise, reconcile, change, move on. Don’t get stuck there and say ‘I can’t move on. You are asking me to move on, based on what? What do I have?’ You have nothing man people, none of us ever did. It is not about you, your rank, your abilities or your experience. It’s just the simple fact that we are doing this for God. So if you would just get over yourself and your self-pity, let’s all man up together and do this thing right. Save the justifications, save the whining, save all your thoughts about you having to do this alone and ‘poor old me’, save all your desperate attempts to make your own life easier by your own efforts and manipulations, sound it out to the right people, offer honesty and receive help in return – MOVE ON. If you keep complaining how people make it difficult for ministry efforts to move on, please sit back and see how you can AVOID CONTRIBUTING to the problem, because we all happen to be human, we all have stupid issues we are blind to. So omigosh, pretty pretty please go get some help in the right places and stop creating rifts between those you report to, you are working with, and yourself. You are not helping yourself, or anyone, or the ministry or God. I am not perfect either and I have my moments too, but at the end of the day, I am the one making effort to set things right. I can say this for sure because it hurts everytime I do it, but yet I stupidly throw myself into it every time thinking it matters. It is frustrating that sometimes, the other party is unwilling to do the same and just wants me to yield. The power of heartfelt apologies and humility to melt and gain the respect of even the hardest of hearts (eg, mine) should never be held back. But God sees all of our hearts and intentions ba, and that comforts me when I feel that people just don’t understand. And we have people reading this right now saying ‘yeah lah yeah lah I don’t understand you. you are the one with the issues, not me.’ Then seeeeeeee, we always think we are the ones without the issues, and even if we admit we do, we are not part of the problem, or we admit we have issues, and my issues are more legit than someone else’s.

yes yes yes…….but that doesn’t make sense.

I admit I have issues yes, but I am willing to hear people out, though I think it can be hard to take me on because I won’t be willing to let go until I am satisfied with the explanation. I believe you are only entitled to have an opinion you can justify, if you can’t, the least (and the most) you could do is to be honest about it, that goes a long way to get me to soften my stance. (Refer to first sentence of this paragraph) Speak to me honestly and nicely and without provoking me to anger unless me shouting at you is one of the desirable outcomes on your checklist, if not, please don’t play with fire.

But okay okay okay okay, I suppose we need to move on rather than being stuck here discussing what people should be aware of and what they should do about their lack/presence of awareness. Just needed to let all this out somewhere before I lose my mind. But, I may lose it anyway, so.

HAPPY SUNDAY GUYSSSS. I am trying, I hope we all get there eventually.


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