must be the haze

It could be due to my extreme but rather unknown fatigue, or the haze, or the work stress or worse, it could be the stupid haze mixed in with the rain (goshhhhhh, bad)..I was finally reaching home from tuition, and alighted at the bus stop outside FSPS. I struggled a bit to get my umbrella up, my mask in position, and my heavy bag in a comfortable spot, and started walking the short route home.

I thought of the night we broke up. I wanted to make my own way home that night (and we missed dinner), but you insisted on fetching me home, and so I went ahead with it.

We were silent on the way back, or so I would like to think or vaguely remember. Maybe you said something to make me change my mind, but I don’t remember what and I guess it doesn’t matter because I didn’t change my mind in the end anyway.

I asked you to drop me at the entrance of the primary school outside my block. When I was about to get out, you asked me one more time I think, to change my mind and to remember what we had. At that moment, as I firmly said ‘No.’ ‘Sorry.’ ‘Take care.’, I also realised that it would be the last time you would fetch me home. The last time we ever had any meaningful physical contact or conversation. Thinking back, it gives me a bit of a chill, and I am not sure why. And I think back to the times where we were problem-free, and really thought we had forever in our hands. It was nice. I miss those times, and it will always be part of me, but well, things happened, and what was initially reversible became irreversible.

Words spoken, thoughts shared, harm caused, tears shed, hearts broken and lessons learnt.

I hope you are well. If you thought the breakup was about hurting you and making your life miserable, it’s not. It’s about hoping we both find someone better for us.

A weird thought to share after watching Maze Runner. (Spoiler Alert!)

Newt was the first to give in to Winston’s insistence on killing himself after being infected. Everyone was fixed, and unwilling to make the first move. He spent some time in thought, and just placed the gun in Winston’s hands, gave him a nod. He took up his bags and walked off first, back into the wilderness and resumed the journey towards their destination. The other runners then took his lead, one by one, all with varying levels of visible unwillingness and hurt. At the moment, I felt like crying, because I could identify so much with Newt.

Even if you are the first to make the decision to walk off, it doesn’t mean you are uncaring or it doesn’t matter. Sometimes, it just matters too much. It matters so much that rather than sinking into despair about your feelings, you just do the right thing and move on. And to me, that, takes so much more courage and bravery and guts and pain and effort to do, than just following the path of the one ahead or to break down in nonconstructive tears. Even if they did take the first step (towards anything), it doesn’t mean they don’t feel. Maybe they feel more than anyone else.

say like never say

I am studying for my ABRSM Grade 6 Music Theory exam now. I will be sitting for the paper next Saturday (3 Oct 2015).

It involves me fitting chords and bass notes to a random melody, composing a choir (SATB) score given only the bass notes and chords, composing 8 bars of music given a short melody as a starter, analysing a piano piece, sometimes with accompaniment (for tonal and structural characteristics, possible period, possible composer, interpreting decorations, identifying keys, intervals, chords, cadences and interpreting performance directions of two or more foreign languages), analysing an orchestra piece (includes transposing instruments playing on 3 or 4 different clefs, spotting patterns, identifying chords, intervals between instruments, interpreting performance directions of two or more foreign languages for different instruments).

I thought A levels was hard.

Then I met ABRSM Grade 6 Music Theory.

And….

 

I still think A levels were harder.

 

Jiayou all you O and A level heroes!

I can’t say much about Os because I have never taken them.

what do you give?

 

This reminds me of a lady I met outside Buona Vista MRT. I was either heading to lunch with Jinghan or heading from lunch. She was sitting on the floor, and well, selling tissue. You know the type. I usually just buy a few packs of tissue out of compassion, and well, how much can a dollar hurt? This lady appeared to be really happy and greeting people who just rushed past her without a glance. I bent down to give her my money, and she told me to take my tissues from this box. I am cool with that. But what’s different was that there was this huge sign, one I wouldn’t have noticed if not for the fact she pointed it out to me. The sign said something along the lines of

‘THANK YOU. JESUS LOVES YOU.’

I was stunned for a moment and shot a glance at her. She didn’t notice my reaction and continued smiling at people walking past her. What caught my eye this time was not just her happiness but this book on her lap.

The Bible. A chinese Bible. It was quite worn out. And it was full of highlights.

It made me feel bad about myself for not reading the Bible as much. So much joy to possess, and I am just sitting here.

And at Bedok MRT…There’s this lady who wears a beanie and goes around with a wheelchair. She looks somewhere in her 30s. She sells tissue regularly there, but not daily. She has to pass by my place on her wheelchair to get to interchange. I have seen her many times, always with a faint smile on her face, and an aura of unnatural strength and optimism. I buy from her sometimes. Sometimes, I don’t. The other day, I saw these two secondary school malay girls by her wheelchair. One of them was on crutches, with a knee and calf in bandage. Beanie Lady on Wheelchair had a hand on that part of the bandage, and was doing what you would usually see people do during healing services or in a church. I am guessing she was praying for healing. On a separate occasion, I saw the same malay girl beside Beanie Lady’s wheelchair again, this time without her bandages, and they were chatting happily.

There’s also that tissue lady at Tampines MRT who ties your tissue packets in sets of 3, and sneaks a Bible verse in that stack. She doesn’t ‘advertise’ as openly as the first lady did, but I see a different beauty in what she does.

I don’t know how you might feel from this. I don’t even know how I feel from it, and even more so, my ignorance extends to the fact I don’t know what to do about it.

God loves a cheerful giver. What do you give?

Can people stop demanding attention, favours, answers and solutions to their questions and maybe try to understand that I may not be in the state to give you what you want?

please, just, try to be more thoughtful and considerate.

thanks.

and so i love this song, for some reason.

Chau Chau by Deli Spice

Translated by KaroltheAngel(μœ€μ†Œν¬)

Korean/English/Romanized

λ„ˆμ˜ λͺ©μ†Œλ¦¬κ°€ λ“€λ €
I hear your voice
neo-ui moksoriga deullyeo
λ„ˆμ˜ λͺ©μ†Œλ¦¬κ°€ λ“€λ €
I hear your voice
neo-ui moksoriga deullyeo

λ„ˆμ˜ λͺ©μ†Œλ¦¬κ°€ λ“€λ €
I hear your voice
neo-ui moksoriga deullyeo
λ„ˆμ˜ λͺ©μ†Œλ¦¬κ°€ λ“€λ €
I hear your voice
neo-ui moksoriga deullyeo
아무리 μ• λ₯Ό μ“°κ³  막아보렀 ν•˜λŠ”λ°λ„
Even though I try not for the life of me to hear it
ahmoori aereulsseugo magaboryeo haneundaedo
아무리 μ• λ₯Ό μ“°κ³  막아보렀 ν•˜λŠ”λ°λ„
Even though I try not for the life of me to hear it
ahmoori aereulsseugo magaboryeo haneundaedo
λ„ˆμ˜ λͺ©μ†Œλ¦¬κ°€ λ“€λ €
I hear your voice
neo-ui moksoriga deullyeo
λ„ˆμ˜ λͺ©μ†Œλ¦¬κ°€ λ“€λ €
I hear your voice
neo-ui moksoriga deullyeo
아무리 μ• λ₯Ό μ“°κ³  막아보렀 ν•˜λŠ”λ°λ„
Even though I try not for the life of me to hear it
ahmoori aereulsseugo magaboryeo haneundaedo
아무리 μ• λ₯Ό μ“°κ³  막아보렀 해도
Even though I try not for the life of me to hear it
ahmoori aereulsseugo magaboryeo haedo
λ„ˆμ˜ λͺ©μ†Œλ¦¬κ°€ λ“€λ €
I hear your voice
neo-ui moksoriga deullyeo
λ„ˆμ˜ λͺ©μ†Œλ¦¬κ°€ λ“€λ €
I hear your voice
neo-ui moksoriga deullyeo
아무리 μ• λ₯Ό μ“°κ³  막아보렀 ν•˜λŠ”λ°λ„
Even though I try not for the life of me to hear it
ahmoori aereulsseugo magaboryeo haneundaedo
아무리 μ• λ₯Ό μ“°κ³  막아보렀 해도
Even though I try not for the life of me to hear it
ahmoori aereulsseugo magaboryeo haedo
λ„ˆμ˜ λͺ©μ†Œλ¦¬κ°€ λ“€λ €
I hear your voice
neo-ui moksoriga deullyeo
λ„ˆμ˜ λͺ©μ†Œλ¦¬κ°€ λ“€λ €
I hear your voice
neo-ui moksoriga deullyeo
λ„ˆμ˜ λͺ©μ†Œλ¦¬
Your voice
neo-ui moksori
λ„ˆμ˜ λͺ©μ†Œλ¦¬
Your voice
neo-ui moksori
λ„ˆμ˜ λͺ©μ†Œλ¦¬κ°€ λ“€λ €
I hear your voice
neo-ui moksoriga deullyeo
λ„ˆμ˜ λͺ©μ†Œλ¦¬
Your voice
neo-ui moksori
λ„ˆμ˜ λͺ©μ†Œλ¦¬
Your voice
neo-ui moksori
λ„ˆμ˜ λͺ©μ†Œλ¦¬κ°€ λ“€λ €
I hear your voice
neo-ui moksoriga deullyeo

thankful for quite a few things :)

so thankful that the work meeting I have been dreading all week went smoothly without a hitch.

so thankful that the data I worked on for almost 3 hours on the temperamental ARCGIS (I really hate this software) didn’t get erased when ARCGIS got menopausal in the afternoon.

so thankful for my beautiful and amazing colleague who feeds me, understands me, knows me, loves me, covers for my work, does some of my work, does plant identification, functions as my plant dictionary, alarm clock and my gps. She is not materialistic and doesn’t get caught up with social trends and rising status. She loves vegetables, as do I. She has muscles, she can protect me. She can carry really piping hot stuff for me. She is super pure and idealistic and driven and motivated, and runs on pure sunshine. She is my bestest best partner, even though she finds great distaste in my lame jokes and comments most of the time. ❀ but sorry guys, she is taken. try somewhere else! Hahaha.

so thankful for CREE, Zeehan and Costa Rica. CREE stands for ‘Costa Rica Exchange Experience’ I think. Hahaha. We were the pioneer batch so we just made the name such that it condenses into a simple acronym. πŸ™‚

so thankful that Zeehan is recovering well from all the therapy. Zeehan is one of my lecturers at NUS, and was our babysitter when we went to Costa Rica for our exchange programme. She was diagnosed with cancer sometime back, and has since completed most of her therapy. She is amazing and it’s so great to see her doing much better. πŸ™‚

so thankful for CREE, as in the trip, not the people, because it really opened up new perspectives for me. It was really funny that Botanic Gardens had this whole row of famous bird species from CR framed up outside the train station? And a bunch of us had to pass by in order to get to Zeehan’s place today, and we were gawking and pointing and reminiscing super loudly in front of the row of pictures, while people were like rushing past us in impatience. Hahaha. We were like idiots there, but this trip changed my outlook on life, and I think it changed many of us too.

so thankful that the week is almost over. It was a really crazy week, and I had to deal with some unexpected issues that popped up. And of course, tuition classes, preparation for the theory exam next month and my insane pile of work. Was feeling quite fatigued physically and rather down from the lack of rest. but really very thankful I survived. really bad timing to drop bombs on me right now.

so thankful that God understands the emotional, mental and physical fatigue I have. It is only because of Him that I haven’t lost it at anyone or anything. No one really understands I guess. I can only think of 4 people who can begin to understand the fatigue I have to deal with, but well, it doesn’t really matter, because God understands.

so thankful for awesome friends who actually care for and respect me, my words and my decisions, and truly want the best for me, but still give me my space to think and be the best God wants me to be. C, L, J, Z πŸ™‚

some sense of loss here and there

TIBTO is finally over and I can put down a lot of my burdens, and finally go back to owning my time. But there are so many things waiting to fill the gap, and man, do i feel overwhelmed already.

I originally logged on wanting to type so much here, but now that I am here, I am not sure what I should say. So, being the science student, I suppose I could do it point-form.

1. I watched 3 movies in 17 hours. πŸ™‚ I watched Maze Runner with Zixuan last night. I watched Inside Out and 7 Letters myself today. I am really glad I chose to watch Maze Runner with that boy, because he was such a great company, haha. Like we would think the same things, and we would be anticipating the same things, and we would complain about the same things, and we would fear the same things, it was super entertaining. Especially since Maze Runner’s plot is still thickening! Super exciting. And they also casted a very charming Asian (imo) in the movie who is an absolute joy and delight to watch and I really hope they don’t kill him off. I mean, he’s Asian! Please don’t kill him? Let him shine! He is also a very valuable member of the team. He is courageous (albeit overboard sometimes), suave, fit, smart and pretty good-looking to top it off. I looooove him. Please don’t kill Min Ho, thanks. He’s one of the biggest reasons for me to watch Maze Runner.

I also think I deserve a pat on the back for watching Inside Out and 7 Letters myself. If I could choose, I would still watch it myself. I guess I needed the space to soul-search and to vent everything mentally, and to accept certain things about myself and about how the world works. If I were watching with someone else, I wouldn’t be able to appreciate all that and to understand all that. I teared during Inside Out and came close to bawling for 7 Letters. Both movies spoke directly to the little girl inside of me that I try to suppress and shut out all the time because she is too easily moved, too easily insecure, too easily susceptible to disappointment and sadness while trying very hard to see the best in people and things because she wants to believe people can be perfect (IKR?!). I try to protect her heart by putting up a tough front, by stopping people from coming too close, by reminding her how naivety does not pay off, by reminding her of the times people let her down and daring her to step out of that chalk circle I put her in for ‘her own good’. But Little Girl somehow manages to tell me that ‘it’s okay. i am willing’, while I am just, ‘are you insane? are you crazy?’ then turning to someone else and say ‘can you believe what this girl said?’ So I guess I am learning to admit and accept that I am Little Girl and Little Girl is me. Learning. Little Girl is seriously annoyingly naive.

*To those who haven’t watched any of the above 3 movies, please do go!!! Especially 7 Letters since it is a GV exclusive and should end by next Wed.

2. I cast some people out of my life because of the hurt they caused me, and I am just really too tired to subject myself to it anymore. And, seeing how they react to my actions and my honesty, I sometimes feel upset and trapped and humiliated and bullied, but also affirmed that I probably did the right thing because they kinda proved that they are not worth keeping. I haven’t really come to terms with it, but getting there.

3. I am suffering from some bouts of insecurity about my singlehood. Which is really so on and off and erratic I have no idea what’s happening half the time. But, I was SO jubilant and happy and rejuvenated from spending a whole morning and afternoon by myself, in the theatre and shopping around. It’s like, whoa, super happy and fun. I wish I had more budget to go watch more movies alone!!!!! But I should put that hobby aside for a while. Hahaha. Expensive.

4. Work is getting insane.

5. I am planning to apply for a new job. And I may have to study for it.

6. I am figuring stuff out with God, as usual. πŸ™‚

limbo

Today has been rather heavy-hearted. I didn’t really know what I was doing half the time, and I finally got home at 10pm. Uneventful surveys in the morning, and breathing in some really bad air (haze and mosquito fog, brilliant and unbeatable combination there), some brief moments of fun having lunch with best, awesomest, sweetest and only colleague and subsequently designing Ted’s birthday tumbler:

DSC_0441.JPG DSC_0442.JPG DSC_0443.JPG

πŸ™‚ My idea.

And so anyway, after that, we had a meeting nearly 3 hours long, and we realised we had to do so much work. It’s kinda insane. It doesn’t help that I am developing some really bad sharp pains in my back, perhaps due to my heavy load. And so I had to rush down to tuition… was so late I had to cut short the session but I am very glad that my student is shaping up. ^-^

Heavy-hearted as I think about the unfairness of it all. I am not really talking to anyone about it anymore…I am so tired of trying to be understood. I wish I could be more uncaring without it weighing on my conscience. I wish I didn’t have such a strong sense of justice and fairness. Maybe this feels terribly like self-pity but I fail to understand… I fail to understand so much.. like, why do I have to swallow it down with tears when people are allowed to treat me this way and I am just harshly expected to give way to their mistakes and immaturity and their wrongdoings…it’s still my fault no matter what and it’s my action to take and my responsibility to be more mature and giving and magnanimous..

I don’t really know why I am struggling with this, but it really reminds me of secondary school and not in a good way. I am reliving my worst nightmares.

Part of the new me wants to just go all out and get my answers and my justice, not caring whatever or whoever I burn down on my way there. Why should I care about people who don’t care about me? Since there’s no justice, I shall go grab it for myself. I could, I can, and I feel like I should.

But then, there’s Jesus.

So.

I am trying…and I am really having a hard time holding it together.