It could be due to my extreme but rather unknown fatigue, or the haze, or the work stress or worse, it could be the stupid haze mixed in with the rain (goshhhhhh, bad)..I was finally reaching home from tuition, and alighted at the bus stop outside FSPS. I struggled a bit to get my umbrella up, my mask in position, and my heavy bag in a comfortable spot, and started walking the short route home.
I thought of the night we broke up. I wanted to make my own way home that night (and we missed dinner), but you insisted on fetching me home, and so I went ahead with it.
We were silent on the way back, or so I would like to think or vaguely remember. Maybe you said something to make me change my mind, but I don’t remember what and I guess it doesn’t matter because I didn’t change my mind in the end anyway.
I asked you to drop me at the entrance of the primary school outside my block. When I was about to get out, you asked me one more time I think, to change my mind and to remember what we had. At that moment, as I firmly said ‘No.’ ‘Sorry.’ ‘Take care.’, I also realised that it would be the last time you would fetch me home. The last time we ever had any meaningful physical contact or conversation. Thinking back, it gives me a bit of a chill, and I am not sure why. And I think back to the times where we were problem-free, and really thought we had forever in our hands. It was nice. I miss those times, and it will always be part of me, but well, things happened, and what was initially reversible became irreversible.
Words spoken, thoughts shared, harm caused, tears shed, hearts broken and lessons learnt.
I hope you are well. If you thought the breakup was about hurting you and making your life miserable, it’s not. It’s about hoping we both find someone better for us.
A weird thought to share after watching Maze Runner. (Spoiler Alert!)
Newt was the first to give in to Winston’s insistence on killing himself after being infected. Everyone was fixed, and unwilling to make the first move. He spent some time in thought, and just placed the gun in Winston’s hands, gave him a nod. He took up his bags and walked off first, back into the wilderness and resumed the journey towards their destination. The other runners then took his lead, one by one, all with varying levels of visible unwillingness and hurt. At the moment, I felt like crying, because I could identify so much with Newt.
Even if you are the first to make the decision to walk off, it doesn’t mean you are uncaring or it doesn’t matter. Sometimes, it just matters too much. It matters so much that rather than sinking into despair about your feelings, you just do the right thing and move on. And to me, that, takes so much more courage and bravery and guts and pain and effort to do, than just following the path of the one ahead or to break down in nonconstructive tears. Even if they did take the first step (towards anything), it doesn’t mean they don’t feel. Maybe they feel more than anyone else.