some sense of loss here and there

TIBTO is finally over and I can put down a lot of my burdens, and finally go back to owning my time. But there are so many things waiting to fill the gap, and man, do i feel overwhelmed already.

I originally logged on wanting to type so much here, but now that I am here, I am not sure what I should say. So, being the science student, I suppose I could do it point-form.

1. I watched 3 movies in 17 hours. 🙂 I watched Maze Runner with Zixuan last night. I watched Inside Out and 7 Letters myself today. I am really glad I chose to watch Maze Runner with that boy, because he was such a great company, haha. Like we would think the same things, and we would be anticipating the same things, and we would complain about the same things, and we would fear the same things, it was super entertaining. Especially since Maze Runner’s plot is still thickening! Super exciting. And they also casted a very charming Asian (imo) in the movie who is an absolute joy and delight to watch and I really hope they don’t kill him off. I mean, he’s Asian! Please don’t kill him? Let him shine! He is also a very valuable member of the team. He is courageous (albeit overboard sometimes), suave, fit, smart and pretty good-looking to top it off. I looooove him. Please don’t kill Min Ho, thanks. He’s one of the biggest reasons for me to watch Maze Runner.

I also think I deserve a pat on the back for watching Inside Out and 7 Letters myself. If I could choose, I would still watch it myself. I guess I needed the space to soul-search and to vent everything mentally, and to accept certain things about myself and about how the world works. If I were watching with someone else, I wouldn’t be able to appreciate all that and to understand all that. I teared during Inside Out and came close to bawling for 7 Letters. Both movies spoke directly to the little girl inside of me that I try to suppress and shut out all the time because she is too easily moved, too easily insecure, too easily susceptible to disappointment and sadness while trying very hard to see the best in people and things because she wants to believe people can be perfect (IKR?!). I try to protect her heart by putting up a tough front, by stopping people from coming too close, by reminding her how naivety does not pay off, by reminding her of the times people let her down and daring her to step out of that chalk circle I put her in for ‘her own good’. But Little Girl somehow manages to tell me that ‘it’s okay. i am willing’, while I am just, ‘are you insane? are you crazy?’ then turning to someone else and say ‘can you believe what this girl said?’ So I guess I am learning to admit and accept that I am Little Girl and Little Girl is me. Learning. Little Girl is seriously annoyingly naive.

*To those who haven’t watched any of the above 3 movies, please do go!!! Especially 7 Letters since it is a GV exclusive and should end by next Wed.

2. I cast some people out of my life because of the hurt they caused me, and I am just really too tired to subject myself to it anymore. And, seeing how they react to my actions and my honesty, I sometimes feel upset and trapped and humiliated and bullied, but also affirmed that I probably did the right thing because they kinda proved that they are not worth keeping. I haven’t really come to terms with it, but getting there.

3. I am suffering from some bouts of insecurity about my singlehood. Which is really so on and off and erratic I have no idea what’s happening half the time. But, I was SO jubilant and happy and rejuvenated from spending a whole morning and afternoon by myself, in the theatre and shopping around. It’s like, whoa, super happy and fun. I wish I had more budget to go watch more movies alone!!!!! But I should put that hobby aside for a while. Hahaha. Expensive.

4. Work is getting insane.

5. I am planning to apply for a new job. And I may have to study for it.

6. I am figuring stuff out with God, as usual. 🙂

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