probably much better kept to myself.
Having been attached for so long, I guess I never really saw or experienced singlehood for a long time and I suppose it took me quite a bit of time to get used to it.
Even now as I get used to singlehood, and loving it, I can’t deny there’s this nagging worry that perhaps I need to change to be more girly, more submissive, more chirpy, more giggly, less intelligent, less vocal, appear less capable, think less, talk less, just for the validation of a guy in my life. Even as I type this out, I am rolling my eyes because it just sounds super retarded to dump all of myself just to wait out for a guy. It is downright stupid and I hope I never end up doing that. But now, I do have a newfound understanding for people who end up throwing themselves into the wind and becoming someone they were not designed to be. As much as I FEEL like doing this may get rid of my problems for the moment, I KNOW for certain that it will just give me way more problems down the road, and eventually take me slowly (and probably not so silently) towards self-destruction.
And of course, other than the fact that it is a downright stupid idea, I don’t really want to change myself into that sort of girl. I was never made that way and I know how much pain and tears went into building the sort of person I am now, and unfortunately, I won’t trade any of that so simply. Especially if it’s for some lame reason, like to feel validated by a human male.
But I suppose these internal struggles, the feelings, the emotions and the insecurities are real, and they do sometimes upset me a lot, or well, at least throw me off my normal self and feeling like I am such a problem that I need to be fixed. It’s hard to avoid your attached friends going ahead to make plans without you, or never really actively make time for you, and yeah, making plans with their other half and/or their friends leaves no room for the single friends like me. Which… is really okay on most days because I have developed a slightly unhealthy habit of enjoying being left alone. It is strangely rejuvenating and leaves me excess time to do funny stuff, and catch up with erm, other single people. But well, sometimes being locked in my own mind or world, isn’t the kind of recommendation I would deal out to myself. But yeah, the feeling of being left out or left behind is not something that is easy to shake off.
Then again, how do I explain to someone that I just have bouts of insecurity in this awesome journey of singlehood without them feeling pity for me or feeling like I am such a burden to be with – which doesn’t help my isolation addiction in a good way. Even if they don’t feel that way, I am not sure what they can say or do to make me feel better or normal again. People say there’s no need for me to change, and I am good the way I am, the right timing and the right person will come…, yes.. It’s all true and I believe in that too. But when faced with circumstances like my own.. It feels like there’s no end to the good well-meaning comments, but the discrepancy between theory and reality still continues to grow, wider and wider.
And so for the sake of all the friends who are sick of hearing me feel insecure, I guess this will be the last you hear of it. I am probably more sick of myself than you guys are, but sharing it just invokes all the wrong emotions, it gets upsetting for me to share and nothing changes. Perhaps I need to learn to appreciate being left behind, I suppose it’s inevitable, and just a matter of time, when everybody sets up their own families and moves on with life.
So I am officially putting this somewhere close to my heart and not going to let the demon run loose on my friends, and distract me. It is a probably a daily battle I have to fight. I need to learn how to trust God.