Some problems areΒ 

probably much better kept to myself.

Having been attached for so long, I guess I never really saw or experienced singlehood for a long time and I suppose it took me quite a bit of time to get used to it.

Even now as I get used to singlehood, and loving it, I can’t deny there’s this nagging worry that perhaps I need to change to be more girly, more submissive, more chirpy, more giggly, less intelligent, less vocal, appear less capable, think less, talk less, just for the validation of a guy in my life. Even as I type this out, I am rolling my eyes because it just sounds super retarded to dump all of myself just to wait out for a guy. It is downright stupid and I hope I never end up doing that. But now, I do have a newfound understanding for people who end up throwing themselves into the wind and becoming someone they were not designed to be. As much as I FEEL like doing this may get rid of my problems for the moment, I KNOW for certain that it will just give me way more problems down the road, and eventually take me slowly (and probably not so silently) towards self-destruction.
And of course, other than the fact that it is a downright stupid idea, I don’t really want to change myself into that sort of girl. I was never made that way and I know how much pain and tears went into building the sort of person I am now, and unfortunately, I won’t trade any of that so simply. Especially if it’s for some lame reason, like to feel validated by a human male.

But I suppose these internal struggles, the feelings, the emotions and the insecurities are real, and they do sometimes upset me a lot, or well, at least throw me off my normal self and feeling like I am such a problem that I need to be fixed. It’s hard to avoid your attached friends going ahead to make plans without you, or never really actively make time for you, and yeah, making plans with their other half and/or their friends leaves no room for the single friends like me. Which… is really okay on most days because I have developed a slightly unhealthy habit of enjoying being left alone. It is strangely rejuvenating and leaves me excess time to do funny stuff, and catch up with erm, other single people. But well, sometimes being locked in my own mind or world, isn’t the kind of recommendation I would deal out to myself. But yeah, the feeling of being left out or left behind is not something that is easy to shake off.

Then again, how do I explain to someone that I just have bouts of insecurity in this awesome journey of singlehood without them feeling pity for me or feeling like I am such a burden to be with – which doesn’t help my isolation addiction in a good way. Even if they don’t feel that way, I am not sure what they can say or do to make me feel better or normal again. People say there’s no need for me to change, and I am good the way I am, the right timing and the right person will come…, yes.. It’s all true and I believe in that too. But when faced with circumstances like my own.. It feels like there’s no end to the good well-meaning comments, but the discrepancy between theory and reality still continues to grow, wider and wider.
And so for the sake of all the friends who are sick of hearing me feel insecure, I guess this will be the last you hear of it. I am probably more sick of myself than you guys are, but sharing it just invokes all the wrong emotions, it gets upsetting for me to share and nothing changes. Perhaps I need to learn to appreciate being left behind, I suppose it’s inevitable, and just a matter of time, when everybody sets up their own families and moves on with life.

So I am officially putting this somewhere close to my heart and not going to let the demon run loose on my friends, and distract me. It is a probably a daily battle I have to fight. I need to learn how to trust God.

my drama is going to be over in 19 minutes.

It’s so fake, and so fraught with inaccuracies and unbelievable stuff.

but the music so good, and man, the emotions that the music triggers out of me. ❀

the oath 2

maybe it always sounds stupid (even to me) where someone attempts to take their own life because they want to escape a broken heart, but to me, it is really believable, and I have always found it rather understandable on an emotional level. And I always found myself vulnerable to such thoughts, even though I have no one to direct it to at the moment, haha.

 

Sigh. Why must like that. It’s really very stupid sia.

Or maybe just their acting super realistic la. hahahahaha

the oath

I am so sucked into this drama.

Because it is a delicious mix of humour, real-world ethical issues, medical terms, AND most importantly, good music. Hahahahaha. The last point was the true reason for me even wanting to watch it.

I don’t know why I really find the music so good. The piano melodies, accompaniment, arrangement and timing are all on pointttttt. What bliss.

Though I do find some stuff kinda disturbing. I am reminded (in ever-increasing frequency) of my insecurities and my huge propensity to over-invest emotionally into relationships and people. And, I suppose I am afraid of that happening again. I wonder how this is going to develop and where it is going to lead me.

I keep finding myself wanting to return to a certain point in my life, and I am trying to slow down enough to find out exactly where and how to. Maybe I miss a certain version of myself. :/

soul sucking

idw to have any more extra tuition lessons.

even if you pay me double or triple, i still won’t want to do it.

i am only doing it out of a sense of responsibility, and a heart that wants my students to do well.

but the time spent is really sucking the life out of me.

i wanna go do other stuff like have excess energy to meet friends and extra time to waste doing nothing, and do things i actually want to do even if i am not paid for it.

sometimes, cutting out a slice of my time to give someone really really really really hurts. now that I have so little to give, i am also super painfully aware of what is worth my time and what is not.

ketchup

thankful for the time spent with jx today.

We shared about our visions and dreams for God, and part of me simply can’t wait to walk this journey with God. I am excited to see if we kinda guessed or felt it correctly or is God going to take us on another route that will be a million times more amazing than what we imagined. I have a feeling it will be the latter, it almost always is.

I am looking forward to the next sharing session, and to see where God is leading us. I thought it was really by no coincidence that this whole weekend of sermon, both cells and even this sharing session all had a similar theme to it.

You are what you think (this is really the quote of my life).

What is your tower of Babel?

What are your priorities in life?

What visions did God give you about the future?

How do you keep your passion burning?

I am inclined to think there’s something God wants me to learn and reflect and gain from all these. In the meantime, I shall continue fulfilling my duties and continue feeding my God-inspired priorities.

 

And find some time to create some music. I have so much to get out of my head and somehow I think it is only through music that I can express it, but I have no time to do it. :/

Pray ah! Pray!

emo nemo

I feel SO emo pok after listening to this. πŸ˜₯

*sobs

I am kinda stressed out by work, because I need to compile this impossible species list of birds and butterflies and dig out information that has probably never been researched on.. (HOW TELL ME HOW)

and having to learn programming so as to do my statistics, and to READ UP on statistics.

But I am trying to finish this Coursera course online, I resumed it after stopping it for a long time – it’s titled ‘Exploring Beethoven’s Piano Sonatas’, conducted by Jonathan Biss (I love his nerdy and sneaky humour) from the Curtis Institute of Music. There’s a lot of music exploration and history, both of which I love to bits, and may be what is keeping me sane.

I think I find the music really emotional, not because of my situation but really just kinda heartache for Beethoven. His life and all that he’s been through. And his genius. This was one of his final three sonatas, then, he died a legacy.

Beethoven’s Opus 28 is too awesome.

I kinda hope I will be able to learn this soon. But this was composed very near the end of the Classical Period, on the verge of the Romantic and I haven’t even started on Mozart (a solid mid-Classical Period composer). :\

And I know it’s probably too high level for me at the moment, having turned extra rusty too from just focusing on my theory exam.

But gosh, it really makes my heart flutter and my ears melt.

 

*if you guys wanna listen to it, just go directly to the fourth movement; it’s about 5 minutes to the end of the song. But the whole thing is worth listening. :))