caller ID

i want to cancel my caller ID.

my mum seems to think it’s a convenience to know who’s calling, so I can return calls etc. and ask me to ‘treat myself well’

how do i tell her nicely i don’t care who calls? and i don’t feel i need to be affected if i don’t pick up calls. if the person can’t text me, then it’s probably a non-personal matter. if the person can’t email me, then it’s probably non-personal AND not important.

so then, why should i spend any minutes on the phone with non-personal or non-important people and be held ransom to their schedule? how is that treating myself well? :/

 

 

 

 

unless she meant that it’s for other people’s convenience that i have caller ID.

which………like erm…. why should i

i never fail to be amazed

It was pig-out night with the princes and princess no. 2 again.

Full attendance! Princess No. 1’s absence can’t really be helped, lol.

And it’s pretty amazing, the kind of topics we talk about. It’s hard to believe how much we can talk and chat when we get together. It’s almost unstoppable and no one really gets left out. Match any two people and there, you have a conversation.

(I still cannot believe we can actually all be so excited to talk about anime. ANIME LEH my gosh. HOW ON EARTH)

Sometimes, the conversation can be hard to break apart. -.-”

We know so little of each and we know so much of each other all at the same time. I loved the fact that Junyi always recommends cool shows on mystery, intelligence, death and murder – which is really the kind of genre Yanhui and I appreciate. So many unlikely pairings and combinations of wills here.

And not every cell can spend so much time at Swee Lee, talking about different instruments and yet, understanding most of it, and then even asking more questions. And then talk about where else to go shopping for even more music stuff.

DSC_0620

LMZ cell meetings – random music lesson. Led by Mr Store Manager of Swee Lee@Katong. How do such things happen?

It’s weird but I find it super amusing.

yh and i went away for just 30 seconds and the guys were just engrossed in their own world of music and equipment.
yh and i went away to look at scores for just 30 seconds and the guys got super engrossed in their own world.

Every time I thought we were mostly done with the exploring, checking prices, trying out sound, asking each other why does this or that sound different, what sounds good etc, something else catches our attention.

I realise the whole cell plays guitar, like, all of us know how to play a bit. So, it’s pretty cool!

Sigh, a simple lame post like this can never describe how I feel towards this group. 🙂 I am so thankful for this chance to grow with them.

How not to love this bunch? ❤ Thanks for sharing your lives with me.

Waiting for the other princess to be back in Jan. 🙂 It’s nice to see her happy and doing well.

Lives touching lives. There’s little else I would ask for.

 

I feel like I am re-living 2013

2013 was a year full of uncertainty, and a looooong year of struggle and adventure with God.

I never thought I would enter another trying situation where I would have to ponder the problems of life’s purpose, direction and meaning, unemployment, financial security and a huge test of faith. But I feel like 2016 will be somewhat like that.

Maybe this is just a magnification of the biggest decision a Christian makes everyday :

Jesus? Or me?

And everyday, we have to constantly drag ourselves up from this huge mess that is ourselves and consciously, painfully, choose Jesus.

I don’t think I am really comparing, but it’s tough knowing or feeling the group that is supposed to care for me… doesn’t really care what life decisions I make. It’s really shitass scary, and I feel like I have to do this all alone.

Which… I think is fine too. It’s better to be alone, I guess. The challenge is not the isolation or the loneliness; it’s the chance that I may go back on my own word, and betray myself, and then make a decision Vivien of 2017 will regret immensely.

 

Come December, I will have to make my decision about whether I really want to start that course at Tung Ling, and if that’s really how I want to spend my time. Instead of taking up jobs to fill up my gap of unemployment, I go out and spend money on ministry and piano lessons. I know it’s crazy and all, but looking back at 2013, staying unemployed for those 3-4 months was kind of crazy too.

Just sitting there waiting for the job I was sure God sent me, refusing to work part-time at a place I felt was not ethical even if it meant ‘betraying’ or ‘angering’ my ex-boyfriend with my foolishness and naivety, and spend all my energy covering for the jobs of the church full-time staff in an effort to make sure the camp ran well despite us not having any church support or mentorship. And, in my unemployment, choose to take up a cell group! Looking back, it’s really crazy and even crazier how God led me through all of it.

(And then, some bad stuff happened in the middle of this too, which I now realise, killed a huge part of my humanity. The good part.)

 

So now, instead of 4 months… God is asking me for a minimum of 7-8 months of unemployment in 2016. Yeah, I am going overseas for about a month or so. Not really to play, but to see the world outside and ask God a lot a lot a lot of questions about people, about the world, about existence, about wars etc. I am searching for answers, and I need a different space to do it. I wish I knew more things about what’s going on out there beyond Singapore, and then I can come back and make my life better and impact younger lives, and prepare them for the harsh world ahead.

Let’s say if it’s 8 months.

Can I run on faith?

Do I have that faith to be foolish for God all over again?

humourous stuff

Actually, by the time I typed the title, I forgot what I wanted to post. Haha.

The most recent – I asked this girl how she knew my birthday and she was like ‘oh, cause that year I was p6 during campfire they celebrated’ ‘that yr u were camp commandant’

Rightttttttttttttttt, I remember that… hahaha. Awkz.

And then there was this.

Screen Shot 2015-11-25 at 8.26.57 pm

I am so amused x 2. Brilliant artwork.

And I realised my friend invited me to some event, which was super ironic of him to do that. Something like… an alcoholic inviting me to AA that sorta thing. And I thought of asking him to invite another friend of mine who has been receiving a mixture of flak and twisted support for his ‘alcoholic’ habit. And that put quite a lot of funny images in my mind. I am replacing the actual issue with ‘alcoholism’ so this remains readable.

By mid-December, I will officially enter panic mode for the future. I refer specifically to the fact that I will be taking Grade 8 Music Theory next year. =O My teacher says I finished preparing for Grade 6 in about half a year or so, which was pretty good because people usually take about 1.5 years to prepare?

I honestly do not understand how someone can possibly take 1.5 years though… won’t you run out of things to practise on? :\And I would have been so bored with the content by 1 year.

But well, I suppose I should be thankful for getting a merit! 🙂 It was amazing that i scored best for question 1 2 and 3 when my forte was question 4 and 5. And I realised distinction must have been crazy hahaha. But okay, I shall work hard for Grade 8! I can’t believe I am going to take the exam with less than 6 months of preparation :\. So much to work on, but I am excited. 🙂

so much rushing through my mind

and among all of that, I sense fear and uncertainty and a drastic lack of faith and direction.

So yesterday, I was talking to one of the princes about teaching. Before we approached that topic, my feelings were slightly on the down side thinking about how uncertain my future was going to be and how difficult the road ahead was going to be. I felt kind of tired and listless. I was running low on fuel and passion. But I told myself, it’s probably one of those days you feel bad about yourself and then it goes away as suddenly as it came.

But, when we got to the topic about teaching, I thought of the topics I have been talking about recently, when I spoke to the younger ones and when I was trying to challenge the older ones during our respective bible studies. I felt my heart beat just a little faster, pump just a little harder, and then I felt all kinds of warm and fuzzy on the inside, and felt a smile creep onto my face and a bit of twinkle in my eyes and a bit more excitement in my voice. I had this almost-uncontrollable eagerness and enthusiasm to share what I learnt and the insights I have gained.

Suddenly, the skies seemed a lot more beautiful. The uncertainty felt more like an adventure God was taking me on, and the fear became a mixture of excitement and anticipation. Teaching! Learning! I can hardly wait for what’s next.

Crazy right? Haha. Yeah, crazy indeed.

But today, as I figure out how to apply for the jobs and figure out how to break the news to some people, figure out how to manage some possible reactions (flak, specifically) from people……… and started pondering on the things I could lose from choosing to go where my passions lead, the fear came back. Waves after waves of fear – endless, in fact.

And this song suddenly came to mind.

Don’t get me wrong. I still feared. I feared so much I almost lost it all today.

But this song really brought me back to what’s real and alive, and reminded me why I am alive, and what I ought to be doing.

The lyrics —-

Knowing You, Jesus

All I once held dear, built my life upon
All this world reveres, and wars to own
All I once thought gain I have counted loss
Spent and worthless now, compared to this

Knowing you, Jesus
Knowing you, there is no greater thing
You’re my all, you’re the best
You’re my joy, my righteousness
And I love you, Lord

Now my heart’s desire is to know you more
To be found in you and known as yours
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All-surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh, to know the power of your risen life
And to know You in Your sufferings
To become like you in your death, my Lord
So with you to live and never die

My lessons today, and every day for the rest of my life – (1) surrender (2) God listens.

 

 

 

 

 

And you know you know, that little rant I had about Paris and terrorism and what not?

I asked God, ‘so… pardon how blunt I am going to be, but what on earth am I supposed to do? are we all going down like that together? is this the end? what if, one day, I will be held at gunpoint and asked what I believed in… how am I supposed to say confidently and fearlessly that I believe in Jesus Christ, and I believe in all the wonderful things like love, peace, hope, joy etc..’

The world seemed messier each and every morning.

And hey, I realised the answer I have been asking for the whole of last week, is also right here in this song.

So if you have been just about as disturbed and lost as I was the past few days, may you find some comfort and resolution in this song.

the lives of old

my granduncle passed away. well, we weren’t close but after I asked my mum who exactly is this granduncle and how he’s related to us, my heart kinda ached a little.

i always thought my grandfather only had 2 other siblings: an older brother and younger sister. His younger sister married a Malay, so I always knew her as the Malay Auntie, like as if she didn’t have a name and I also didn’t know how exactly to call her because my parents never taught us properly on such things, haha. An older brother whom I have seen and met, and whose son kinda dislikes my mum for no good reason, and had another son who did some really bad stuff against his family and mine. So this granduncle who recently passed away was a sibling that my mum’s grandparents gave away, and so he holds a different surname. My mum said that she had another aunt who was given to a Malay family, who she has never met before, and is probably not interested to meet either. This granduncle was different. He became quite well-to-do wherever he was and actually took efforts to find his real siblings, and that’s how he ‘came back’ to the family. He watched my mum grow up, and my mum was really grateful to him because she said he always brought her out to play, and eat whatever and bought things for her. And when I was born, he doted a lot on me too (which I very vaguely remember). But our families haven’t met for a while. I don’t recognise my aunts or cousins or even my grandaunt now. My mum just returned from Taiwan earlier tonight and I ferried her to the funeral. She was visibly quite shaken, and it hurt me a bit to see her like that.

When I heard the story about kids being given away and adopted into other families, I think of how hard it must have been to give away a child. I suppose people of that time have a different mentality towards raising kids, but I am sure it must have been heart-wrenching for the parents anyway.

My paternal grandmother also told me before that she gave away 2 of her children too. Which my dad has never mentioned before.

When I think of such stories, I suddenly feel like my problems are super childish and lame.

And I truly admire the strength and resilience in my family, especially after going through all of that. It isn’t something I would choose to experience and learn for myself but I really respect them for being who they are even after all of that.

loving every moment of loving

Wa. 4 out of 5 boys about to ORD already. 🙂 And, the last one.. very sooooon!!

I remember setting out feeling very worried about the 2, then 3, then 4, then 5 of them.. I remember sharing with Jiamian about how keeping them shall be my focus (among many others). I remember a time where my own friends went to army and things just changed, in so many different ways. Well, now that I have been so focused on my younger boys, I can’t really put a finger on the issues of the past anymore. But I am so thankful that I managed to finish this journey with them, and really, I am sure it wouldn’t have been possible if not for God. It is a new stage we are about to embark on together. With a blink of an eye, I am about to enter my third year of being CGL in 2016. Fast hor?

Thank God for giving me, giving all of us this cell group to love and to support. It has been so amazing to see everyone, including myself, grow as we try to be there for each other during our respective hardships and troubles. I want to say I feel so proud of all of them as I look back, but really, I can’t take credit at all because God just works in such amazing ways. I am not an exceptional leader and I am really very noob at all this CGL stuff, but God really blessed this cell greatly in these two years and I can’t wait to see where He brings us next.

My dear princess Jing will be heading to New York soon for New Year and I hope she will be safe. By the time she comes back, we can celebrate together as a cell again. Celebrate what, I don’t know. Hahaha. But we will be together again, and we will know that it’s because of God that we are a cell. I hope I am not the only one who feels that way. 🙂 The prince is also back safely from TW, and yep, got to follow up on that one.

My work is all cut out for me, and I am loving every moment of loving them. 🙂 I am very blessed indeed. 🙂

Sometimes I wonder if they grow up too fast and sometimes I wonder why can’t I grow fast enough and sometimes I complain to God about why they won’t grow up faster and everytime (eventually), I decide that we are all growing together and we all need a lot of love and a lot of God. ❤

lonely planet

Lonely Planet has some amazing guides.

I am thinking of purchasing some for myself because I am such a collector and hoarder. :/

But they will get outdated la. Oh wells. But just reading through and brainstorming where should I do in London – the list of things just keeps expanding.

 

Time to tour Singapore, budget.

ummm

so i was kinda driving the car all over singapore doing my own errands.

work, buy stuff, go for lesson, pick up stuff, go home

and i decided to tune in to the chinese radio station because there wasn’t much going on in the english stations, and the songs were kinda thrashy.

it was really nice listening to all those chinese songs. I think it’s kinda hard to find a thrashy chinese song…. is it because it clashes with fundamental chinese values to like erm, write openly about sex in the physical sense with the absence of love and responsibility and duty but all about the fun, the thrill and the recklessness. Hahaha. Anyway, so it was a pretty sweet day by myself in the car.

but somehow the songs that started playing at night… they were all too familiar. they were the songs you used to sing everytime we went to karaoke. the ones i could hum to but couldn’t remember, much less learn the lyrics enough to sing alone with you. the ones with such a romantic background and storyline to it. the ones about undying love and commitment for a partner, alive or dead.

and i thought about you singing them with much emotion….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i thought what the hell, if you were even half the kind of man the lyrics were describing, we probably probably probably probably…wouldn’t have broken up.

 

 

you fake person. hahaha.

 

aiya i think we would have broken up anyway. because, aiya, too much to hope for in you.

 

 

good stuff man those songs!!