and among all of that, I sense fear and uncertainty and a drastic lack of faith and direction.
So yesterday, I was talking to one of the princes about teaching. Before we approached that topic, my feelings were slightly on the down side thinking about how uncertain my future was going to be and how difficult the road ahead was going to be. I felt kind of tired and listless. I was running low on fuel and passion. But I told myself, it’s probably one of those days you feel bad about yourself and then it goes away as suddenly as it came.
But, when we got to the topic about teaching, I thought of the topics I have been talking about recently, when I spoke to the younger ones and when I was trying to challenge the older ones during our respective bible studies. I felt my heart beat just a little faster, pump just a little harder, and then I felt all kinds of warm and fuzzy on the inside, and felt a smile creep onto my face and a bit of twinkle in my eyes and a bit more excitement in my voice. I had this almost-uncontrollable eagerness and enthusiasm to share what I learnt and the insights I have gained.
Suddenly, the skies seemed a lot more beautiful. The uncertainty felt more like an adventure God was taking me on, and the fear became a mixture of excitement and anticipation. Teaching! Learning! I can hardly wait for what’s next.
Crazy right? Haha. Yeah, crazy indeed.
But today, as I figure out how to apply for the jobs and figure out how to break the news to some people, figure out how to manage some possible reactions (flak, specifically) from people……… and started pondering on the things I could lose from choosing to go where my passions lead, the fear came back. Waves after waves of fear – endless, in fact.
And this song suddenly came to mind.
Don’t get me wrong. I still feared. I feared so much I almost lost it all today.
But this song really brought me back to what’s real and alive, and reminded me why I am alive, and what I ought to be doing.
The lyrics —-
Knowing You, Jesus
All I once held dear, built my life upon
All this world reveres, and wars to own
All I once thought gain I have counted loss
Spent and worthless now, compared to this
Knowing you, Jesus
Knowing you, there is no greater thing
You’re my all, you’re the best
You’re my joy, my righteousness
And I love you, Lord
Now my heart’s desire is to know you more
To be found in you and known as yours
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All-surpassing gift of righteousness
Oh, to know the power of your risen life
And to know You in Your sufferings
To become like you in your death, my Lord
So with you to live and never die
My lessons today, and every day for the rest of my life – (1) surrender (2) God listens.
And you know you know, that little rant I had about Paris and terrorism and what not?
I asked God, ‘so… pardon how blunt I am going to be, but what on earth am I supposed to do? are we all going down like that together? is this the end? what if, one day, I will be held at gunpoint and asked what I believed in… how am I supposed to say confidently and fearlessly that I believe in Jesus Christ, and I believe in all the wonderful things like love, peace, hope, joy etc..’
The world seemed messier each and every morning.
And hey, I realised the answer I have been asking for the whole of last week, is also right here in this song.
So if you have been just about as disturbed and lost as I was the past few days, may you find some comfort and resolution in this song.