I feel like I am re-living 2013

2013 was a year full of uncertainty, and a looooong year of struggle and adventure with God.

I never thought I would enter another trying situation where I would have to ponder the problems of life’s purpose, direction and meaning, unemployment, financial security and a huge test of faith. But I feel like 2016 will be somewhat like that.

Maybe this is just a magnification of the biggest decision a Christian makes everyday :

Jesus? Or me?

And everyday, we have to constantly drag ourselves up from this huge mess that is ourselves and consciously, painfully, choose Jesus.

I don’t think I am really comparing, but it’s tough knowing or feeling the group that is supposed to care for me… doesn’t really care what life decisions I make. It’s really shitass scary, and I feel like I have to do this all alone.

Which… I think is fine too. It’s better to be alone, I guess. The challenge is not the isolation or the loneliness; it’s the chance that I may go back on my own word, and betray myself, and then make a decision Vivien of 2017 will regret immensely.

 

Come December, I will have to make my decision about whether I really want to start that course at Tung Ling, and if that’s really how I want to spend my time. Instead of taking up jobs to fill up my gap of unemployment, I go out and spend money on ministry and piano lessons. I know it’s crazy and all, but looking back at 2013, staying unemployed for those 3-4 months was kind of crazy too.

Just sitting there waiting for the job I was sure God sent me, refusing to work part-time at a place I felt was not ethical even if it meant ‘betraying’ or ‘angering’ my ex-boyfriend with my foolishness and naivety, and spend all my energy covering for the jobs of the church full-time staff in an effort to make sure the camp ran well despite us not having any church support or mentorship. And, in my unemployment, choose to take up a cell group! Looking back, it’s really crazy and even crazier how God led me through all of it.

(And then, some bad stuff happened in the middle of this too, which I now realise, killed a huge part of my humanity. The good part.)

 

So now, instead of 4 months… God is asking me for a minimum of 7-8 months of unemployment in 2016. Yeah, I am going overseas for about a month or so. Not really to play, but to see the world outside and ask God a lot a lot a lot of questions about people, about the world, about existence, about wars etc. I am searching for answers, and I need a different space to do it. I wish I knew more things about what’s going on out there beyond Singapore, and then I can come back and make my life better and impact younger lives, and prepare them for the harsh world ahead.

Let’s say if it’s 8 months.

Can I run on faith?

Do I have that faith to be foolish for God all over again?

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