difficult

do you know how difficult it is to keep from using Facebok when I am really super free?

it was surprisingly easy to stop myself on the first few days but the itch is getting insane, and I almost slipped a few times because I really didn’t have much else to do.

okok. season of lent. season of focusing on God.

i am so amused by lee haru

I have been watching The Return of Superman. I am on episode 46.

My sister says she skips footage on lee haru because she doesn’t find her interesting. But oh gosh, she’s so immensely amusing.

She’s super fearless. She grabs animals with her bare hands without hesitation and with this cold look in her eyes hahaha. I mean, like sea animals, fishes, chickens, ducks and birds. She can catch them all. While her dad is just shocked by her bravery, she doesn’t even blink. Hahaha. She’s so expressionless when she does all of it. Yet she’s so scared of spiders, she breaks into tears instantly upon spotting one. She likes to eat animals she likes. She gives names to fishes. She loves fishes more than her dad, but her mom more than fishes. She wants to keep a zoo at home. She cries angrily and loudly and grudgingly when she had to lend her mom her favourite marker. But while on video call with her mother, she hugs her phone to say that she misses her. I don’t particularly like watching her stories compared to the twins or triplets but gosh she’s so amusing.

the brain

The brain is locked in total darkness, of course, children,

it floats in a clear liquid inside the skull, never in the light. And yet the world it constructs in the mind is full of light. It brims with color and movement. So how, children, does the brain, which lives without a spark of light, build for us a world full of light?

-Unidentified radio voice.

In ‘All the Light We Cannot See’ by Anthony Doerr

spiritual journal

I always feel empowered when I create. That can be in the form of music, writing, thinking and teaching. Why did God create me this way, I wonder.

I feel most at ease with myself and the world when I have a book and a pen in my hands. I probably fell in love with words and writing before I even fell in love with music.

I write this random post because I am about to finish my second spiritual journal (by that, I mean, the physical book), and I am so thankful for what God has taught me and shown me for the past year or so.

God is good.

and He gives me a reason to go and get another book to write in =D

 

I am starting to further appreciate the value of keeping a discipline. I am pretty bad at rigid stuff…. as I mentioned to my cell before. Some disciplines I am trying to keep this year:

-waking up before 7am to do QT and pray. I plan to wake up even earlier when I have successfully mastered waking up around 645am. This is hard because I currently have little or no reason to not sleep in (double negatives, i know, go figure.), since I have no work or school.

-keep a spiritual journal. I split the pages into two columns, one for my thoughts and nonsense, another for God to speak and breathe life.

-reading the Bible devotional every night before I sleep

-take my music seriously seriously. (no typo there) I have heard a friend who said he would compose a song for God everyday. Haha. That was so beautiful and inspiring, and surprisingly not very pressurizing to me ears. I need to go buy a proper recorder. All these recordings are jamming up my phoneeeee

uncertainties

I have been exploring (in my mind) the possibility of dating someone in my circle.

But I am really unsure and I was thinking that it could potentially be a very bad decision to make a move or even bring it up or even to entertain the possibility in my mind. I don’t think it’s very productive and I think it puts my focus in the wrong places.

I shall not take things into my own hands and claim to see the future that only God knows for sure, and trust that He will guide me to things, peoples and events in His time.

Meanwhile, I am still working on that song. And it’s amazing how God blesses and blows ideas into my mind as gently as He possibly could. Though I think God must find it pretty amusing that I jump up from my piano frantically to look for writing materials just so that I can write the melody down. Or the look on my face during my eureka moments, then again, the frantic movement of a pencil on rough paper just to capture the numerous random melodies that flow through my brain.

Having done a few songs since 2014 and also tried doing some which never became completed, I firmly believe that each song is really given by God, and not by my own efforts or creativity. I love composing or toying with music because it’s amazing how you can tap on God’s mind and imagination with music, and He speaks, not in words but through music. It is utterly mind-blowing. You know that He hears you and your desire to praise Him, and gives you what you need to make it happen. And sometimes, when you write with the wrong motives, or something way less than what I would call ‘focused on Him’ or simply at the wrong time of your life,Β  He is silent. God is so interesting and so perfect in His timing. πŸ™‚

do you hate crying?

I hate crying in front of others not because it makes me look weak but i don’t want to trouble people to take care of me. I don’t want to have people to think about stuff like ‘omg vivien is crying, what do i do?’ ‘now this is awkward’ ‘why is she reacting like that over something so small’ ‘now she’s going to make everyone be unstable and cry also.’ ‘oh great, what now..’ ‘girlsssss…. ‘

My tears are not a sign of weakness, they are a sign of emotions and sentiment. A sign that i have a very soft side to my strong exterior. Contrary to what people see or feel, I hurt easily and I fear a lot. Those who are closer to me already know how utterly useless I am in trying to fight girly emotions. Often just suppressing it long enough so I can get somewhere to cry alone, to God and without inhibitions. But what I don’t want is for the impression to stop there, which is why i still have reservations about confiding in people i am close to. I want them to see that i am weak, but more importantly, i want them to see how strong my God is. Regardless of the storm’s magnitude and strength, regardless of how loud it rages and flips me around, and regardless of how much I seem to need to cry, spend time and pray alone, I want all of you to know that God is bigger, God is good and it is peaceful right here, in my heart.

It may sound contradictory and crazy and such a lie, but this is the person I am. I live spending so much of my spiritual, mental, physical and emotional energy trying to reconcile God’s ideals, my emotions and what the world seems to be. Maybe I am just beginning to understand what it means to love God with all our heart, mind, strength and soul. (Luke 10:27)

valentine’s day

 

do single people still feel insecure about not being dated on v-day? i thought we were past the stage already.

but anyway, since i am composing music lately and thinking of melodies and lyrics and progressions what notttt, i found this really sweet and heartwarming to watch hahaha. ❀

not sour or upset, but heartwarming and happy. Haha. But it’s true, don’t need to count on this day to prove your love for each other. If I were still attached, I would probably insist on not celebrating on v day, but then again, won’t you feel upset that your partner doesn’t want to celebrate on the actual day? this complex two-way track haha.. I can figure that out when I get attached, till then… enjoy singlehood and compose some music. πŸ™‚