I finally restarted on reading My Utmost for His Highest again. It has always been on my table but I stopped reading it for a long time. I don’t know why. But since the new year has started, I have been trying to push myself a bit more for God, and figuring out how to do it.
January has been a really crazy month for me. Not just in terms of tasks but the sheer volume of things that demand my attention and emotional/mental capacity, is just overwhelming. I cried a lot, in the dark, alone. I literally cried out to God in tears, I had so much to say and it could only come out in the form of groans and moans and cries. It hurt. It really hurt. I spent about 1.5 nights in January just crying this way. My thoughts about that? Gosh, time wasted crying and not sleeping. I did end up really sleep-deprived for those mornings after. But I told my kids, you need to wrestle with God. Just cry and shout and kick a fuss, but don’t give up wrestling with God because He may not explain why certain things have been put in your life, but He promises us His presence – and, that is huge. Just knowing that God is with me, and knows my pain, I can cry as if I am physically in my Father’s arms.
So I have been trying to wake up earlier than my usual routine to pray, or rather, just to have a renewed awareness of who God is by spending this time with Him. Decided to do more than just praying randomly while on my bed, and so I am up attempting ‘My Utmost for His Highest’ again. The last devotional I was at: ‘What To Do When Your Burden Is Overwhelming.’ I was shocked because that’s the word I have been using to describe my situation to my friends – overwhelming.
The devotional asks me to ‘cast my burden on the Lord’ after setting straight the fact that I need to
recognize the difference between the burdens that are right for (me) to bear and burdens that are wrong. We should never bear the burdens of sin and doubt, but there are some burdens placed on us by God which He does not intend to lift off.
And so for those burdens, just roll them back on God, casting my burdens back on Him again. All I can say to God now is – thank You for letting me know that You hear me and You love me. Thank You for helping me to remember how loving You are. All the burdens that I have, I want to cast them onto You. I do need answers, but help me to trust in Your timing and Your providence and Your love.