I hate crying in front of others not because it makes me look weak but i don’t want to trouble people to take care of me. I don’t want to have people to think about stuff like ‘omg vivien is crying, what do i do?’ ‘now this is awkward’ ‘why is she reacting like that over something so small’ ‘now she’s going to make everyone be unstable and cry also.’ ‘oh great, what now..’ ‘girlsssss…. ‘
My tears are not a sign of weakness, they are a sign of emotions and sentiment. A sign that i have a very soft side to my strong exterior. Contrary to what people see or feel, I hurt easily and I fear a lot. Those who are closer to me already know how utterly useless I am in trying to fight girly emotions. Often just suppressing it long enough so I can get somewhere to cry alone, to God and without inhibitions. But what I don’t want is for the impression to stop there, which is why i still have reservations about confiding in people i am close to. I want them to see that i am weak, but more importantly, i want them to see how strong my God is. Regardless of the storm’s magnitude and strength, regardless of how loud it rages and flips me around, and regardless of how much I seem to need to cry, spend time and pray alone, I want all of you to know that God is bigger, God is good and it is peaceful right here, in my heart.
It may sound contradictory and crazy and such a lie, but this is the person I am. I live spending so much of my spiritual, mental, physical and emotional energy trying to reconcile God’s ideals, my emotions and what the world seems to be. Maybe I am just beginning to understand what it means to love God with all our heart, mind, strength and soul. (Luke 10:27)