lent fast

I fasted for one month from Facebook, and within DAYS of me returning to FB, even if it’s only just to check for notifications and exiting within 5 minutes (no longer scrolling for extended hours because I really have much better things to do), and it’s back to number 1 on my ‘Most Visited Sites’ on my browser. Ridiculous.

And I really miss my younger cell. I miss them so much I am hugging them in my mind. I know they don’t like to be hugged la, so that’s why I am doing it in my mind, and then texting them to let them know I care. I have even resorted to typing stuff like ‘virtual hugs!!’. I am quite a weird leader, it seems.

There was also this weird lady who invaded Marine Parade Community Library and either totally ruined/spiced up my virgin visit there. She was NOT using an indoor voice and she kept criticising the weirdest stuff. Super GP-worthy kinda topics like the mentality of the older generation and what they hand off to their young, the importance of acquiring evidence and then proving that it is trustworthy etc. Basically ranting super angrily, and injecting lots of negative energy in the place, I found it rather entertaining because I really don’t know what is she so pissed about, and she thinks she’s so superior strutting around and typing super loudly. This angmoh dude beside our table looked straight at her and said ‘shhh.’ with a finger over his lips.

 

She even asked him ‘what, do you have a problem?’
He replied ‘yes, you.’

which, she just blatantly ignored and then resumed talking and ranting and complaining to herself in a way that makes everyone eavesdroppers on her own internal conversation.

LOL. I almost laughed out loud but I kept it in. I wouldn’t have wanted her to come and pick problems with me, because I think I would have laughed my way through the whole conversation right in her face.

She says she’s a lawyer, and she has ‘the cross in [her] heart’. When she came to that, I contemplated going up to her and telling her off though. But it happened way too fast and she didn’t rant too much about a Christian identity if that’s what she was referring to.

I suppose many Christians (including myself at one point in my past) like to strut around in arrogance and anger at the world and at society. Maybe this is really how we make people feel when we think we are being bold about our faith. It seems like it just appears foolish, loud, noisy, angry, self-righteous and extremely extremely unloving. If you think she was weird and silly, hmmm, I wonder how people see us.

Something to think about, I guess?

Pursuing God

I met up with one of the princes yesterday night. It was an unbelievably awesome catch up. We talked about the God we both knew, the God who brought us into each other’s lives and the God who is doing great things in us and in the people around us once we allowed Him to.

It’s really amazing.

I was telling him that although I was having a time of my life where it is both scary and exciting, I had one fear: that my intelligent mind stands in the way of me wanting to draw closer to God. I have been harbouring that fear for a long time, and I really told God many times – I will try. Help my unbelief. Help me to shut off my brain and really be spiritually sensitive to whatever you are trying to show me, not to shut anything off but allow the deepest yearnings of my soul to take control – to draw closer to You, to know You.

Today, I read from ‘The Pursuit of God’ by A.W. Tozer. Two small paragraphs that summed up my thoughts.

Now set over against this almost any Bible character who honestly tried to glorify God in his earthly walk. See how God winked at weaknesses and overlooked failures as He poured upon His servants grace and blessing untold. Let it be Abraham, Jacob, David, Daniel, Elijah or whom you will; honor followed honor as harvest the seed. The man of God set his heart to exalt God above all; God accepted his intention as fact and acted accordingly. Not perfection, but holy intention made the difference.

 

In speaking this I have one fear; it is that I may convince the mind before God can win the heart. For this God-above-all position is one not easy to take. The mind may approve it while not having the consent of the will to put it into effect. While the imagination races ahead to honor God, the will may lag behind and the man never guess how divided his heart is. The whole man must make the decision before the heart can know any real satisfaction. God wants us all, and He will not rest until He gets us all. No part of the man will do.

It is exactly what I have been praying about. So I guess, I really need to make the decision first. To first have that intention to want to encounter and experience Him. And let God do the rest.

 

i will ask God about it

wordpress’ new posting layout kinda irks me. the font is so biggg on the posting screen. like. yes i can see what i am typing, very much so, thank you. that’s enough.

But so anyway, I had a chat with someone today about the gift I was praying about. And the conversation uncovered a lot more about myself than I expected. I felt like God already put this thing in me and it seems that now is His time for it to be unwrapped, uncovered and used for His Kingdom. To what measure, in what place – I don’t know.

So a few things for me to do, and I guess the gist of it is really to ask God what He wants me to learn or uncover…….. vs saying ‘i will go and figure it out.’

“We tend to use prayer as a last resort, but God wants it to be our first line of defense. We pray when there’s nothing else we can do, but God wants us to pray before we do anything at all.

Most of us would prefer, however, to spend our time doing something that will get immediate results. We don’t want to wait for God to resolve matters in His good time because His idea of ‘good time’ is seldom in sync with ours.”

-Oswald Chambers

Love, me

Can love be so pure these days? I typed ‘love’ into YouTube and all those sleazy stuff came up as search suggestions. I had to type the full title complete with the singer’s name before I found my song.

I suppose there will never be a single guy is worth that kind of love. Only Jesus is capable of handling my heart the way it should be handled. I do wonder if there will come a time where I meet someone who will resolve to love me the same way I resolve to love my partner. I could give my all and make myself vulnerable, but I don’t think that’s wise, because I bruise and hurt a bit too easily.

It’s not about getting attached, I don’t think that was ever a problem for me. But I want to find someone faithful, someone who draws the right boundaries, who respects that I want to give but I am afraid of giving it all to someone who doesn’t cherish it enough, and who understands why I absolutely have to put God first in my life and supports it. Because Jesus is the only one who understands why I am the way I am, what I need to overcome, what I have overcome and who I am designed to be.

Not sure why I had to think about such things this morning, but yeah, it just came to my mind and it is kinda bittersweet.

eyes

was my heart supposed to beat faster when I realise our eyes seem to:

meet a lot more nowadays

talk to each other more nowadays

accidentally find each other nowadays

be the first companions to each other in some situations

 

?

 

or even when you call me by a short form of my name? people don’t usually do that. they don’t dare to claim to know me well enough to do that. not that i think you know me well enough either. but.

 

not sure how much i wanna think into it.

shan’t think into it.

A reminder to me

I took a huge step today, and my reward for now… sore eyes. really sore eyes.

I am posting my response as a reminder to myself of this decision I chose to take and why I took it.

Vivien, there is no turning back. The debate, I realised, isn’t really about the gift. It’s about whether I wanted to take up the offer to be even closer to God. To be honest, the gift really isn’t important.

Why I think I am ready.. So.. I went up to church after the discipleship session and I crieddddddd (gosh 😅) while I wrestled with God over this.

I feel like God may have already been calling me to this a long time back and preparing me for it? I really want to see God work. And I know that if I don’t take this step that God has been calling me to take, I can no longer go back to my previous state of ignorance and live with this great dissatisfaction. I can’t go back there without admitting to God that I am content with knowing Him from a distance. If this is not where He wants me to go or if it’s not real, I don’t lose anything. If I choose not to take this step to find out, then I will be left here wanting more and knowing I rejected the offer.

My real fear is not knowing what to do if all these were really real. Although I wanted more of God, I am not sure what I would do with it if I really saw God more. Which.. is really dumb la. Like worried that after this step, I would be more lost than I am now, or that I need to give up things.

But if it’s real, and God is God, then there really isn’t a need to fear anymore. In fact, me having all these thoughts is also proof that I know, on some level, I have been the barrier between myself and God with respect to this, and so.. I shall remove that barrier.

If taking this step is gonna bring a lot of pain and confusion and crying in my life, I am willing if I can see God just a little bit clearer than I am seeing now, then it will be worth it.

And it will be another episode of learning how to love and desire the Giver above the gift. And using the gift the way the Giver wants me to use it, and nothing else. And of course, gather ppl around me to hold me accountable, pray for humility and wisdom too.

judge not,

For instance, do we really believe the statement that says we criticize in others the very things we are guilty of ourselves? The reason we see hypocrisy, deceit and a lack of genuineness in others is that they are all in our own hearts.

The greatest characteristic of a saint is humility, as evidenced by being able to say honestly and humbly, ‘Yes, all those, as well as other evils, would have been exhibited in me if it were not for the grace of God. Therefore, I have no right to judge.’

Oswald Chambers, in My Utmost for His Highest

You can read the devotional for yourself.