been advising a friend about moving past grey areas with another person.
suddenly feeling thankful for the months of heartbreak i spent thinking about you because it taught me how to be strong even though it killed something deep in me, something that I may not have resolved completely,
but at least the episode has helped me to be more discerning..
refusing to be manipulated into another grey area again.
I can’t help but feel that it is almost entirely through God’s grace that I am here today as the person I am.
Perhaps a bit colder, a bit more afraid, a bit more hesitant, a bit more heartless……
but haven’t crossed any really bad lines or done anything I cannot forgive myself for..
and at least i am protecting it.
one of those days my feelings keep me up doing things that don’t matter
if i seem unfriendly when you interact,
the solution is not to interact or talk more,
it is to talk real,
it is to actually care,
it is to talk about things that interest me, my dreams, what i am passionate about, and what i would die for,
it is to understand that there are some parts of me you don’t know yet – which includes the fact that there are times where i need to conserve and protect my energy, times when small talk is extremely costly and pointless.
The weekend is over I guess. So much things happen during the weekend for me, and some days (like today), I am just left here reeling from everything I have experienced.
People and what they say and do…
as well as what they do not say.
I can’t really afford much energy to keep guessing what’s on their minds, and why they react a certain way. It’s a bit too much to handle, especially when I feel like we are at an age where we should be beyond this. Right, Michelle? Haha. Like, seriously, let’s pick higher battles and not waste our times with these ones, it ain’t worth it. We need to stop behaving like hypocrites, and really just live it out.
On the other hand, it hasn’t all been doom and gloom. Thankful for all the people in my life that have been supportive and eager for me to figure things out by myself. Thank you all for giving me the space I need, and loving me even when I needed time away from you. Thank you for understanding that it is not losing me, it’s just helping me to be better than I am, happier than I am, closer to God than I am. ❤
someone asked me to describe my trip in a sentence. I just thought.. well it was:
-magical because you see TV stuff come to life. It’s quite a lame thing to say but it’s something you got to experience for yourself, I guess. 🙂 The culture and the accents.. all your senses struggling to comprehend the new places.
-eye-opening because God has allowed me to see and learn so many things. I think some things are still in the processing stage – I have seen them, but I feel that God is leaving it for some lessons next time.
30 April 2016: I think… this was my first full day in New York, and I was still very much in awe of the architecture. Managed to capture this shot of the beautiful buildings and a signature yellow cab.
Sam asked if I was worried that I would end up single all my life. Well, just let God lead ba. I don’t want this season of my life to be defined by my single-hood or the urge to get attached – I rather it be defined by the lessons God wants to teach me in this season.
Crazy? Yeah, maybe. Love is crazy.
Now that I am back, and slowly weaning off jetlag and jetlag-associated bad habits (FINALLY woke up before 10am today),
it’s time to hone my skills and build up my finger and arm muscles,
do some real work on the piano,
spend quality time with God’s word,
put effort into the ministries I am in
and also snuggling up with amazing literature,
while finding a way to support myself outside having a permanent job.
I really want to be productive,
and am psyched at the idea of doing meaningful work,
changing the world a bit at a time,
a soul at a time,
starting with mine.
suddenly feel like heading to the beach and just stare into the sea, and lose myself in its rhythms.
18 May 2016: The crazy day in Scotland where I decided that I really missed being at the beach and wanted to do something dumb. So I headed down to Portobello Swim Center (1 hour ride from Edinburgh, gosh) for a swim. It’s all indoors, I wasn’t that insane. There was a Turkish bath facility, and I just napped there, haha. It’s dumb, because it was super cold at the beach HAHA. The situation I got myself in was so ticklish to me I wanted to sit down and laugh, but that would of course invite a lot of weird looks in my direction – so I dutifully controlled myself and saved Singapore’s reputation.
There isn’t anything really romantic about the beach. But I just like it. I never really wanted to hold my wedding ceremony there or anything.. it can get pretty messy and uncomfortable, don’t you think?! Not wise, not wise, imo.
I just like the open space and emptying my mind there, even for a little while.
One of the stories from London.
This was 12 May 2016, London. We were supposed to go buy tickets for Phantom at the Opera at Her Majesty’s Theatre. After which, we walked past National Gallery to get to somewhere else unimportant to my story.
When we first walked past them around 10am, they had just started drawing a few flags, and I didn’t take much notice. But when I had to come back this way round in order to go back for the show at 2pm, I saw that they had more or less completed their artwork (considering not all the countries were on). I thought their basic message was sweet.
‘Peace and Love’
‘Donation Welcome. Thank you’
‘Welcome to London’
‘Have a Nice Day’
What was sweeter to me was that tourists passing by had put their donations onto their own national flags. While there was some part of me that felt people still wanted to ‘play the country card’ here, but seeing that the message was ‘Peace and Love’, I suppose all who throw their coins may be seen as country representatives who respond to the welcome and buy into this message of world peace.
I threw my coin in too. I didn’t get a photo though, hahaha (I was rushing for the muscial). Singapore was on the top right hand corner.
Yeah, it was a fuzzy atmosphere where just a simple sight of my country’s flag in this art piece (made in the name of peace and love) struck a chord in me.
to end the day.
hope things go well tomorrow.
time with Ruth now.
thank you God for today. it’s been rough but I am also sure that it will come in useful one day.
Thank God for Michelle who spoke sense that broke through all my fears and my panicked state.
We are really not made for this world, I guess.