praise and thanksgiving

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tomorrow is gonna be the physical test. very thankful to those who remembered, whether is it because i finally got annoyed by incessant questioning or i reached out to them in anxiety or they simply remembered in their thoughts and prayers.

whatever the consequences of the test, i want to give thanks in advance. it has been a long and arduous journey since the start of 2016. i still remember the girl who cried her heart and guts out after realising supeng was gonna leave. i still remember her being so shocked at the NUS letter at the start of the year. i still remember the time something went wrong with her relief teaching application, and it crushed her world for a while.

and then the same girl got so insecure and afraid and lost and confused with what was happening to her senses and her understanding of how the spiritual world worked.

then i remembered the girl who decided to see what is going on in the world outside Singapore. the girl who navigated her way through messy, crowded and dubious places. the girl who took some risks in the new and old friendships, and threw others out without fear or hesitation, while mulling long over some.

the girl who struggled so badly to let go of some stuff, and to live with some gaps in her life. and then she fought with her own demons to go just a little deeper with God, and started seeing just a little bit..

such a long and painful journey. it’s hard to believe that i lived through all of that. it’s even harder to believe that it was such an intimate journey, and i think there’s still so much more to experience!

it’s not exactly a story i would have chosen out of my own accord, but watching how it has unfolded over time, i really wouldn’t trade even if i had a chance to!

whatever the consequences, i am going to hold this episode close to my heart. being close to Him – this has come at a great cost for me i guess, but nothing is sweeter.

Save

Save

parallel

I am kinda amused that my NUS-based friends, colleagues and professors just seem to be operating in a different world altogether even as the HUGE fire burns in their backyard about the recent NUS-orientation camp cancellations..like:

just being thankful that there is one more week of silence in the school or school canteens before the madness of semester starts, or..

apologizing for the potential change of plans for field trips because some routes are no longer exciting, or..

editing manuscripts for publication with zero reference to student life (ohhhhh. i need to do this too)

train and weekends

is ćŠšćŠ›ç«èœŠ on channel 8 or what sia? awesome.

i don’t know what on earth they are singing but they always sound so crazy good.

should really try and master one of their songs on the piano or something.

 

i am glad the weekend is ending. the weekend is a bit too much for me to handle nowadays. i am so glad for 5 weekdays. even 5 weekdays can be too short for cooling off sometimes. i did have quite a good time at Soul Good today – the youth alpha course. I love seeing how students get struck by my words. Not that I feel powerful or influential, I am just glad that God is using me to move them into different places emotionally and spiritually. it’s really really super amazing to really see the minds whirl in thought.

i am so glad for wonderful angels in my life too, and where God leads me with everyone. i don’t know how jingxin and I ended up where we did, but we were naming people categories like this the other day:

-Apocalypse

-Annoying

-Acquaintance

-Acceptable

-Awesome (I initally wanted to be in the ‘Amazing’ category but Jingxin was too reluctant so we settled for ‘awesome’, fine, haha.)

“Just because I can open up to you and we can share, it doesn’t mean you are ‘amazing’.”*eye roll*

‘okay. awesome then. we can do ‘awesome’.’

‘……’

#compromise

It’s cool how many A words one can come up with to name people categories. Haha. Fun memories to recall on uneasy days.

and my heart really goes out to each one of my kids. i looooooove them. i really wish for the best for each one of them, i see the tree in the seed, and i hope i show it too. ❀

it’s a season of waiting, I guess. For so many things in my life. I am glad for this journey, even though I don’t always sound like it.

 

glass and paper

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I’m made of glass
Like I’m made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper

Heard this song in someone’s car today. Songs like this really resonate with my soul. On some days, I still think I am a girl with nothing except a heart made of glass and paper. Well, I guess, no matter what day of the week, deep inside, I still am that girl from 2004. And, I miss having her around, even though she doesn’t know how to fit in, and she feels abandoned all the time, and sure acts like it. But gosh, she had this heart for people and the softer things of the world.

I am trying to revive her and step into her shoes again. I want to tell her that she’s beautiful just the way she is and God put so much good stuff in her, even though she can’t see it yet. So many things and people stand in her way, and they will continue to do that all the days of her life. She will fear and she will hide and she will lock herself up in a place she thinks no one can reach. But God’s light will shine into that place and rescue her. His love will be able to melt all the barriers, as well as the heart that has turned stiff from being unloved out in the cold.

And she will also meet very awesome friends (who are really just angels in disguise) who can see the single shred of goodness in her that she can’t even see in herself.

God will send His angels to watch over her every step of the way. It will hurt. It will hurt so badly she will feel like dying. She will even feel like dying would be easier but she will turn out better and stronger. She won’t even notice the changes in herself, but when she does, it will be an amazing sight to behold.

She will still find in her a desire to fight against what she sees in this world, and indeed, fight she should, and fight she will, until the day she sees His kingdom come.

She had nothing to begin with, but she already has everything she needs.

feeling

kinda lost today.

feeling a bit stupid that i am living for my ideals and for my dreams.

taking courage from my chat with jingxin yesterday,

that God is bigger than anything,

and this world is merely temporary,

there is more to be seen and more to hope for.

i finally finished this bookkkkkk

blended: using disruptive innovation to improve schools.

I am so glad I finally finished this book. It’s not bad but it is just rather hard for me to relate to or visualise, especially in my current situation if I am actually actively attempting to teach in a classroom. Haha.

It does talk about some rather amazing concepts that could be applied in the national education system. But other than such a structured and established brick-and-mortar setting, it can be hard for educators to really make full of the book. It does present some rather interesting perspectives for consideration!

I am just really glad it’s over because it took me so long to get through all that technical content, haha.

let there be light

There was this song that was played on the last day of Hillsong Conference 2016, and I cried so hard. I think it was the first time it was heard in public, and the first time it was officially recorded and released too. I have tried and failed to find a proper version with chords online (and only had sufficient time, talent and tenacity to figure out the chorus). And today, I just felt like I wanted to sing it again, because I feel my entire existence quiver in fear when I go through the lyrics.

As tempted as I am to post the whole song up, I am sure that it will be distracting. This is the part that speaks to my heart and my heart sings about, and has been singing about it for the past few months.

Let there be light
Open the eyes of the blind
Purify our hearts in Your fire
Breathe in us we pray

Let there be light
Open our eyes to Your heart
Desperate just to know who You are
Shine in us we pray

Jesus, have Your way

When I met up with Suwei the other day, I was telling him that I was getting really sick of ‘religion’ as it is. I just really wanted to know who God is, and as selfish as it sounds, it’s all that matters to me now. I don’t want to know God from another person, I don’t want to hear what He has been doing, I don’t want to stand from afar and watch God do something, I just want to see Him and know Him and feel Him for myself.

And you know, maybe you read the lyrics and wonder if ‘the blind’ refers to non-Christians. I somehow keep seeing myself as someone who is blind, and desperate to have my sight healed by God. I feel that many Christians are blind too, and searching in the dark. So near yet so far, because they don’t realise how blind they are and how close they are to the solution. That is true blindness.

Well, I am glad that there’s some company on this journey, at the very least. It’s amazing to see how God groups people together in this current climate, but I want more than that.

I am not coming from a place of doubt. I am merely desperate to catch a glimpse of my God. But yet, I wonder if I will be satisfied with just a glimpse.

I want everything, and anything that God has to give, and I know He is God of all that I need and all that I want.

 

But anyway, full song lyrics for ‘Let There Be Light’ are here, and full song as performed at conference (I think) is here.

Be blessed, and cry away if you must.

May your soul meet God in the beautiful place. 🙂

 

fast day

the day passed super fast today

did many many things today but the highlight was actually this small impromptu meet-up with jingxin (i am always super happy when nice people initiate spending some time together =D)

shuling asked to tag along, which we welcomed..

we quickly escaped the crowded futang into my car,

and i whisked the both of them off to a quiet place called changi-simei cc, where we chatted over strong but cheap coffee,

the both of them knew they only had barely more than a half hour to chat over nothing with me,

because i had to go back to work another shift at 5pm,

but they did it for me anyway. ❀ ❀

 

good times are made of these.

 

nice to hang out with people who actually make me feel like the world shouldn’t end so soon, rather than people who make me wish for the world’s end in the middle of our conversation, lol.