life is getting insane

I have only been back a day and I feel like there’s so much to do already – all the people I have to meet, and all the work and ministry stuff I need to do.

I am not complaining but I just felt a bit overwhelmed while planning my schedule, haha. Not forgetting, I still need to exercise and read my books. No joke.

I kinda like life as it is even though I have to worry about my finances. I feel joy at planning my money-making stuff around my ministry work. It’s super tiring, but I think it will be worth it. ❤

 

 

On a separate note, I did try give chances to this guy to prove to myself that maybe there’s a merit-worthy dimension to him I haven’t seen. But he’s just been squandering away everything and ending up being really creepy and uncomfortable and yet not admitting his feelings. Why do guys do that, why. It’s so difficult to respond and interact with people like that.

Read this great article posted by a junior today.

I really liked this article for a few reasons. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend precisely because of this – It was not enough that he was a ‘christian’, he was nowhere near godly.. (sadly). I really identified with no. 2 on this list. I don’t know why guys would think girls just want to be praised and complimented all the time, because it is actually something that really gets on my nerves and starts to sound empty after a while. I rather engage in a good thought-stimulating conversation about great topics than to listen to someone telling me about things I already know about myself and do not think it is worth that kind of spotlight or attention or praise. I suppose this sentence may be easily misconstrued but I am really super sick of that kind of patronising treatment. I am not asking to be put down or verbally abused, I am asking for a stimulating two-way conversation and rather feel challenged or motivated to improve and be better for God.

The girl version is here. Though there are some things I would really like in a guy too! I felt like it didn’t really fit that well in the umbrella of number 1, and may be good for a separate point itself. The part about deceiving with sweet charms and words and dragging. I don’t understand why people would recommend me guys who are vaguely involved in grey areas with other girls. If there is one thing I really actively hate and will never give in on, that is the one thing.

I am so tired of statements like ‘every guy is like that one’, ‘don’t be so picky’ etc. I don’t understand why is it that I can (and am expected to) commit 200% to a guy but it doesn’t work in reverse. I have been hurt enough by such nonsense that…. nah, I am not willing to try again. I don’t believe in toying and leading boys on (and, I really try hard not to mislead people nowadays) so why the heck should I subject myself to that kind of emotional abuse from boys who are just trying their luck or just want attention?

In fact, I am so thoroughly afraid of getting favours from boys nowadays. Afraid that they will suddenly turn on me and said that now I should feel obligated to return those favours with something else. That’s just so scary and pressurizing. Okay I didn’t mean for it to turn into a rant but, it’s just something (all that grey area net casting and passive aggression) I feel super strongly about and I am prepared to stay single all my life for it.

Even though sometimes I wonder if I am being too stubborn and principled by trying to honor myself, others (by not sending misleading signals) and honor God in this way (by not volunteering my heart every chance I get), but I don’t want to fall back into those scary days again.

Maybe I am destined to die alone la, lol. Maybe I am being silly and stupid and I will pay for it.

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