socks, conversations, people

feeling kinda thankful for the past 24 hours or so.

i had a good, though very much delayed, conversation with a friend. Well, at least it happened, and I do hope we are on track for a better future as individuals because of it.

andddd i bought some really awesome socks.

whatsapp-image-2016-09-26-at-00-32-47look at how cute they areeeeee. i promised a supervisor i will reserve the dinosaur one for when she’s on duty. 🙂

 

and i completed the rather small group of exam packs this year! 🙂 a bit costly for the part-timer me, but… what’s love without some costs.. if it’s love, it’s not cost.

okay, i am not enthusiastic to make much sense today. nothing is making sense in my world recently.

whatsapp-image-2016-09-26-at-11-47-31names will be revealed once all the packs are on their way to their owners-to-be. 🙂

i am too lazy to write a lengthy post today. i have a long day ahead, and a lot of excitement because i get to give out survival packs. =D

Save

confessions of a workaholic

i am only halfway through my off day and i am already feeling thoroughly bored and i am losing my grip on reality. i am almost tempted to take up a last minute shift. To be fair, I was really legit excited last night about my off day.

But now that it is my actual off day, i am feeling boreddddddd. i have worked through my piano exam pieces for a bit too long. and now that the noise in the house is getting ramped up again from inconsiderate people, i no longer have the mental strength to continue working on the piano.

(a timely reminder to myself to never put taiwan tv news as background noise. it is truly NOISE. in all aspects. the sound of it, and the gossipy feel of its content, and all the arguing and bantering. it’s too much for me to handle. why can’t we just have silence..)

i kinda hate afternoons. mornings are nice because it’s quiet and cool and there is a soft buzz in the air. nights are nice because it’s quiet and cool, and everything is winding down.

afternoons are just.. crap. haha. please end soon, mr afternoon! why do afternoons exist?! hahahahahahaha. okay i am being a bit retarded now.

maybe i just need a nice cuppa to get through this awkward time of the day….. haha. and some food!

movies

movies have become personal again..i don’t know why now.

i feel kinda bad rejecting the poor guy who is just trying to be a nice friend, probably just a kind invitation, upon sensing my excitement when i talk about movies.

i really considered the whole thing seriously. perhaps overdid the thinking.. but i just couldn’t imagine being in the cinema with just anyone. good and bad things have happened in the cinema – some of which i would love to forget, but they just become lessons learnt, and mistakes never to repeat.

i wonder why my trust issues extend even to watching movies. it could be that i really love the feeling of relaxing in the theatre.

in the dark, i could truly be myself and mentally let all my inhibitions go, even if it’s just for a short two hours, and truly have an open heart and mind to receive whatever the movie was going to show me. i could be an impressionable child on the inside and no one will find out.

in the dim lighting of the theatre, i feel like no one can read my expressions and know my secrets. no one will ask me questions, no one will interrogate me, no one will be there to halt my thought processes and attempt to persuade me to think otherwise.

in the movie, i can leave my burdensome world and all of its nonsensical problems behind. i don’t have to worry, it’s almost as if time stopped and i could freely enter another world. be it a stupid and unrealistic one, or an exciting fantastical one, or a mysterious one or adventurous one…i could soak myself in all of it.

and when i have realised all of this, how can i simply let anyone into this space? how can anyone just casually demand to enter and intrude on this space?

i can’t do it at all.

group movies are kinda differentttttt…. but still somewhat sacred to the extent i have to sit with comfortable people.

 

but i do thank God for some very comfortable people who have earned a right to be in this space, and when i think of a movie, i will be the one asking them out. maybe it’s because i don’t feel judged and i don’t feel like i am being cornered by their presence and i feel like they can be trusted to share and respect this space.

❤ ❤ thanks guys.

no words can explain how precious it is.

 

also to you who says ‘it’s okay i can wait!’

thankssssss for giving me breathing space.

rediscovering old wounds

i have trust issues. i really do.

i think i have at least 3 (very loved) people repeating that to me in one form or another in a week.

and i know that they are right.

i wish i knew how to fix myself.. but then again, i enjoy being where i am too. in a shell where i feel no one can hurt me.

not that i don’t have friends i can trust. but it took me a lot to get to those places with them. a lot of honest talks and hardships and good days and bad days..

i don’t like to give up on friendships.. but recently i have been forced to withdraw mentally and emotionally from so many, that i am tired. and it just makes my trust issues even worse.

it’s super heartwarming to realise there are people who appear genuinely interested and concerned about me.. but i don’t know man, somehow i always feel like it may not be true. i always feel like i don’t want to put in too much of myself, because i don’t like how it feels to be forced to take it all back.

i really have trust issues, and i do hope it can be unlocked someday. i don’t know how to start stepping out of it though. hopefully it just goes away after a while. it’s been a long while already anyway.

very thankful for this interim job.

i am increasingly thankful at how enjoyable work has become. i love my colleagues, who are now quickly becoming people i actually want to hang out with.

work problems are still very myopic and very entertaining. but i am really happy to be here and now having the chance to hear new stories and know new people with atypical lives. people who are between jobs, people who are still figuring out what they want, people who are just hanging in there and waiting for a break, people who try hard to prove themselves in a place like this because it may mean more than just work performance, but to redeem their sense of self-worth.

i see great and inspiring stories here, with each and every individual who works hard to give something their best. that ‘something’ could mean this job, their friends, their education, the company etc.

i really do wish they can find what they really need in life, and grow to be stronger and tougher people. i wish they will continue to smile and laugh at all the stupid things life throws at them. please be stronger and better for the days ahead! ❤

and i love that they are real, and they have so little to hide. and they acknowledge that there’s something in me.

 

even though the management really like a cannot-make-it

dramas will be dramas

screen-shot-2016-09-07-at-9-46-06-pmI started watching this drama called W – Two Worlds because my sister recommended it. She said it was cool. It had stuff to do with mystery. I got sold, and I started watching.

To be honest, it isn’t like super interesting.

But it’s so ridiculously dramatic. So much so that it mildly angers me.

The scene above – the character was actually violent tearing comic books open and reading them with such force and enthusiasm – in a book store. He actually did it for the entire series of comic books with no one stopping him until the bookstore got dark and two attendants approached him to ask if he’s okay.

-_____-

i wanted to laugh but i don’t suppose that’s the emotion the scene was supposed to incite, haha.

Save

if only you are the right one

but you never will be.

and it’s so silly that you even have something dedicated to the memory of you here. but i suppose it is important for me to remember just how simple I am, and how easy it is for me to slip.

so many things right and so many things wrong.

time to focus on the wrong things and just guard your heart, vi.

it’s not now.

it really can be a bit tiring

to be with a group of people who may take a lot of pride in their work performance and the money they get, even though it is something that people in my world would not think much of. they can sometimes go on and on and on about things i feel don’t matter, and they seem to do very myopic things sometimes. to just live for the next day, without a clear life goal. but it is fun to chip in meaningless stuff and be entertained by their reactions. and they really are very good at putting in that effort to love a friend and to include people in their circle, as long as the person has an acceptable work performance (they are kinda elitist in that way). work is their life – their income and their social life – and frankly, it works.

but instead we look at talents, skills, educational level and achievements. we look at intellectual pursuits, finance planning, drawing suitable boundaries between people, work-life balance etc. we argue about people problems with such detailed analysis, and we usually are able to control how we want to react. we don’t put much effort into relationships because it frankly isn’t always important. we accept that friendships change and relationships die, and that’s okay – we will just make new ones. after all, the best ones will pass the test of time.. right?

it’s hard to identify with both I suppose. i know i belong to the second, I have been there almost all my life. but gradually, God is opening up my eyes to notice and love people from the first. it’s pretty amazing and eye-opening. I have never been in the company of such people, especially since after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. i may sound so myopic myself in this post, but i have been pretty well-protected all throughout my life.

my friends are highly educated individuals with multiple talents, most of them haven’t been in a position where they live ‘on the edge’. they are, in many ways, free to pursue things beyond the reach of many ‘ordinary people’. for their passion, they can disregard the potential income they could earn and just dive into what they love and just, simply refuse to budge. they are the kind of people my colleagues would feel like they didn’t make use of the privilege they have. but then there’s the other side where, for many reasons, many also fail to explore beyond the financial meaning of a degree or good-quality education.

if you give someone from the other world a degree, and you tell them they could do anything they want with it – chances are they are gonna dive into money-making first, without much thought. and they could thrive – because there’s not much else they need.

people in my world – we may not be so easily satisfied or content with our lot in life. we look for meaning, and higher purpose in what we do. it feels right to do so.. I guess. and yeah, i suppose God has really planted me here almost too well that i couldn’t settle for anything less. it’s so stressful to be here sometimes when people don’t see why you do what you do, why you insist on pursuing seemingly useless things.

i am finding some temporary refuge in the other world for now – because my world seems a bit too complicated and ruthless and cold for my liking. no matter which world we were born into, i suppose it’s always a personal decision to love and be better than we were yesterday.

i am not crossing over to follow anyone or anything but just feeling a bit more accepted for who i am in the other world sometimes, and things are comfortably fun and superficial for someone who has things to hide. more jokes, less questions, more fun, subtle love.

but really, thank God because He cares for me, and has sent some very nice angels to love me too. 🙂