things have happened

it’s somewhat surreal that i am making this post in the middle of the day. a Monday. i am usually at work, slogging my guts out or.. not really.. idk.

things have happened. so much has happened. so much so that i find it difficult to articulate or even jot down everything.

i am not going to be all high and lofty and blog about how life is such a cruel and unpredictable thing. because i am only a girl who tries to be a bit better than who she was the day before, and sometimes.. well, many times, she fails. who am i to comment about life..?

but it does really stink immensely to sit here and feel helpless against whatever some of us have accepted as ‘part of life’.

the small things and the big things..

the ones that get taken away and the ones that don’t..

the ones that you want to keep and the ones that you need..

the ones people get so easily while you work your butt off and are resigned to smell it from afar..

the ones you lost and the ones you get left with and can’t get rid of even if you wanted to

the ones you can joke about and the ones that make you cry

it’s so unfair and it’s so hard to stay afloat on some days. it’s so hard to learn how to stand on your own and then, discovering your friend has stopped walking too, and that other person, and this other one beside you… it never ends. in a rush to save everyone, i realise we can’t, and we are all just victims of this fallen world.

have we forgotten who we really are? i think i have, countless of times. and even if i did remember, what use is that? who does that save? what difference does it make?

even in this phase, i find myself wanting to know and wanting to see God’s truth and goodness. that if one is willing, they can do all of those things and restore. restore things to what it should be.

and goshhhhhhh, i am so bloody unsatisfied.

it’s not that i have lost faith. i have so much faith in my loving Almighty God that i believe He is hurting too and soooooo i just can’t understand what’s going through His mind and His heart. just when i am starting to understand the nature of His gentle silence, i find myself asking again and again, ‘why the heck do these things happen and what do You want me to do with it? i have no frigging idea what to do with my feelings, with what i witness, with what i have and where i am.’

and yet.. He just ANSWERS me with silence that is… well, uniquely His. a silence that stills and calms. a silence that tells me it would all come to light one day – and my soul will be satisfied to the fullest, if i will let Him try.

so i said, ‘okay.’

glad to

survive another weekend. and today, someone told me to just leave, because she cared for me and my growth and my happiness. and yet, i thought i was staying because i cared for her.

how the tables have turned. and how troubling the turn is.

i wonder if my emotional and spiritual fatigue is affecting my physical fatigue. i keep feeling i lack a lot a lot a lot of rest. i have been struggling to keep awake at decent times of the day, and knocking out completely in inappropriate places.

it still feels kind of surreal. to be where i am in my life, at this time of the year.

what’s next though? how much longer do i need to wait, for whatever it is..

sometimes i feel like

i am so tired of being myself.

feeling too much, and being so afraid of certain things.

i really wish life could be simpler –

i wish prince charming could just appear with a huge red banner saying ‘I am he. let’s wed.’

and oh yes, wed, we shall. and then we pop babies and die young enough to cut short on the miseries and hardship of life but not too young so we can enjoy the good stuff.

 

what selfish and naive thoughts, haha. i need to get the other vivien back soon. and so i suppose, it’s not always cool to just avoid and hide.

it’s so hard to just be myself and not feel like i need to cut down even more on the jokes i make, or care about people less, or try to keep a straight nonchalant face when i just want to laugh and talk even more nonsense.

 

it’s also hard to look into someone’s eyes and having to communicate that you can’t love them the way they love you.. or to tell someone you can’t love them the way you feel like doing.. or to tell yourself to shut everything all out.. or to not mislead someone else while trying not to mislead a certain someone..actually this list of awkward affection-related messages is incredibly long.. and it will be a continual struggle, and perhaps to some extent, a daily challenge.

 

like, maybeeeee i don’t care about orders as much as customers want me to care about their orders. because.. i don’t feel like i am paid enough to care. and i save their numbers (if at all) as ‘Annoying’

 

caring is such a burden

wishing upon the stars tonight

that when i wake up tomorrow morning, i will be a girl with a complete heart

ready to love and ready to receive

ready to trust and ready to live

 

why is it so so much harder to walk out of emotional scars? why does the world work that way? why do we function that way?

 

so tiring to be me and yet feel like i can’t escape my own whirlpool of toxic thoughts, and destructive patterns. being my own victim.. ain’t fun at all.

 

i want to see what’s real and what’s not. i don’t just want to believe in the best, i want to know that the best is the truth.

 

so naive though.

 

most unromantic but very sincere thought – i wish it would just be like a mosquito bite, itch really bad for a while. if you don’t irritate it further by scratching, it eventually goes away, and never to be seen again. but if you don’t have enough self-control, you are gonna draw blood and that wound would end up having to stay for a while.

 

feeling so sucky about life that i struggle to believe the good things people say to me and about me. i doubt and i second-guess and i withdraw and i tune out.

feeling kinda bad

i suddenly feel so super bad about this experience with someone from my past. i feel so bad about it that i actually teared. i refuse to break down over it. i just felt like the wound hasn’t healed and it is nowhere to close to healing and i don’t know what i would do if it doesn’t heal.

i don’t know how i can trust guy friendships enough. i feel i really want to, but i think of certain things and i feel like i don’t want to do it anymore and i feel like i probably never will want to try again.

 

sigh.

heart problems.

blings

i feel like i spent super a lot of money today. i have been a bit reckless with my food purchases especially.

and next comes the fact that i needed to buy stationery and portable charger.

i also had to pay for two visits to the doctor because my back was affecting my life…this was definitely kinda pricey.

and my most luxury-driven purchase this week was my classic manicure, but for the lamest reasons. I just wanted to get most of the dead skin on my nails removed. it has been irritating me for week on end, because my hands are so dry from dealing with all the groceries and plastic bags etc etc. to an extent where i felt like lotion has no effect on them anymore…. so i didn’t even do manicure for the nail polish hahaha. i am just so glad all the crappy skin has been removed. time to ramp up my lotion use. and now finally, to feel better when i watch my fingers fleet across the piano keys.

andddd the angpaos i had to give my grandparents for their birthdays.

sigh. should start saving up again before christmas!

 

meanwhile, work has been pretty fun and i am utterly in love with problem-solving. i am thankful for the affirmations – verbal, over text or behind my back. i feel like i am just doing whatever makes sense to me and whatever helps everything to flow better, and i certainly didn’t expect such responses. but it’s really sweet and leaves me with pretty fond memories. i think i will definitely miss days like these.

but well, i do need to leave careless youth tendencies behind and start behaving like a 26yo who needs to think about a proper career and lofty, probably unachievable life goals. 🙂

 

on the inside, it’s a bit messy, and i do wish i could be half as strong as i appear to be. oh wells.

camaraderie

i am now a senior shopper at work, and all i can say is that i feel my colleagues are such amazing people with amazing attitude and drive, which may not mean they are the ‘best’ seniors to work with, but they make really good and reliable friends I suppose.

since starting with them, i feel the team spirit, whether in the incessant complaining about dumb stuff happening at work, or in the jokes shared, or in the name-calling, or in the trust and respect they show towards each other.

i knew i was going to be down for a crazy day on Monday as senior. my first full day as senior, and mondays have always been crazy. and i know my usual buddy takes monday as a rest day. but i really felt the love from my seniors’ team as they swarmed in to help me upon realising my concerns, worries and hesitation. when the _______ was announced, it made the problem a bit bigger and scarier. but all it did was to just draw more support in from my beloved seniors’ team.

all in all, there are going to be 5 (FIVEEEEE) seniors on shift together on Monday, that’s super rare imo. bestest best senior senior jen, buddy jetliner, eugene 10-10, flashbert, and me tsunaomi.

it’s so sweet to hear:

‘i got your back Vivien’

‘i secretly took shifts :)’

‘you will be fine, i will be there’

just seeing their name appear on WIW has just been so comforting and reassuring. they are such awesome people and many times, i feel so undeserving of their love and support. i feel like i don’t deserve to have them in my life… but yet, here they are.

 

thank you for loving me not only with words but also with action. it’s what i have been lacking for a while and what i really really really needed to believe in again. ❤

why i am here

i love my colleagues and all their different personalities.

maybe it is truly naive to say this, and so not fitting of a 26yo to say this:

but man, they are real.

and they remind me of a gap the world needs.

all the jokes and teasing and suaning – but still kind and loving and inclusive and unafraid to stand up for their friends and take responsibility for their mistakes and ready to forgive others and competent and willing to clear tasks first and settle people problems later in a mature manner.

 

this is not to say everyone is an angel, and not to say they are super flawless, but i am just increasingly thankful for this time in my life – which may seem like such a glorious waste of youth to many people – to see and learn so much from this group. the pleasure is truly mine.

God really has His timing and His plan is perfect, even though I may not have enjoyed the whole process and I suppose we are still cold-warring….. may it end soon. 🙂

fatigue

I don’t know if it’s because i am on my period or what. It is highly possible… I am just a super tired person the past few days. I am not really sure what I have been doing the past few days – barely existing, being in pain, being led by my uterus etc etc. I have just been zombie-ing my way around everything I am supposed to do. I am truly glad that the week is over, and I really hope that this week will be better for me in terms of mental, emotional and physical health……

I sound like a really sick person – which I believe I am, in many different ways. I can’t wait for Tuesday – my off day! (Mark my words, haha.. I will be bored by noon).

 

I am SO in the mood for traveling though!!! Just want to hide somewhere and be lost in exploring and doing yolo stuff. I miss Scotland, getting lost and watching random movies at late hours and trying to rush back to hostel as early as possible out of fear! I loved doing everything alone too – it was quite fun, hahaha.

I kinda miss the feeling where I could just sit beside someone in comfortable silence and feel the breeze in my hair. Last time I did that was with Shuling at ECP, or maybe with Jingxin when we were walking each other halfway home and to the bus-stop, or maybe with Zixuan when we went to the movies to watch Tom Hanksssssss. Or even longer ago, with Lobs at DTF (how did we talk for 3 hours, I wonder) 🙂 Okay, I suppose recalling these times really do make me feel like the day is not going to be that horrible. 🙂 I can do thisssss

 

I am sorry for the thoroughly incoherent post. I am tired, and kinda sick.