Sadly. Sometimes

it is just a huge disappointment.

Chanced upon this article.

‘If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.’

I don’t suppose I come from the same place the author did, but I do agree with that statement, somewhat painfully. And perhaps also struggling to believe it’s not a problem with me that I urgently need to fix. I have come across too many boys who say they want to be with me but aren’t willing to put any heart or effort or action into it. By ‘too many’, I mean it has become too much for my heart to take. I used to try and soften the blow a lot, but I am growing up and I just try to accept one of these two possibilities:

(1) I am not good enough; I wasn’t worth the fight

(2) the guy is, very bluntly put, an asshole.

Maybe I am somewhat lucky that more often than not, I have only come across assholes (conclusion after a lot of internal struggles and heartache) – no real missed opportunities or whatsoever. I mean if the dude is an asshole, thennnn I should count myself lucky for escaping them.

Even though they say it, they may not mean it at all. – and gosh, am I tired for having to deal with those words and empty promises of the moon and their ‘affection’..

‘If he wants to be with you, he would be with you.’

I say, ‘If he wants to be with you, he would fight for that chance.’ Anything outside that is just empty words that are so damn freaking cheap to give but cut deeply into the heart as disappointment and insult.

And when we get to that point, can words from the same person heal a broken heart?

In fact, what words, or.. is there even anything that can heal a broken heart?

leaving

I have decided, I guess.

I don’t suppose it was easy at all but I guess, it’s all done inside.

And somehow everything that is entering my system just reaffirms that maybe it is the time to put the candle and the dreams and hopes down and run off somewhere else, alone.

i want to say more but i don’t see much of a point.

nothing is going to change and i am not sure how i will ever walk out. just when i thought i could certify myself alright, shit hits the fan…

and it starts all over.

maybe i will never find it, maybe i will – whatever it is, i shall just try and do the right thing where i am.

tiring though, really.

it’s almost december

I am having a really rare off day. Decided to give my kids a day off cell group to catch up on other parts of their lives – like having rest, spending time with their family, preparing for their exams. It also happened that I am not feeling too well myself. I would have been practicing on the piano by now.. but uncle is making a lot of noise in the living room + I left most of my books after a night out with my amazing colleagues.

Not being in the mood to do much of anything, I am just sitting here clearing up my table and attempting to get some of the year-end christmasy stuff done. Maybe it’s all in God’s plan to make me sit here and listen to Him.

Many have been asking me for prayer requests and/or updates from MOE. I always answer the same thing. You would think they would have remembered the answer by now – but nah, people don’t – whichhhh I am getting used to.

It’s been so long since I logged back into Careers@Gov to check my application status. So long to the extent that I forgot the portal link, and I am not sure if i sign in on another device.. maybe i have forgotten the password too. I managed it today anyway – went back in, and there it was – one of the most sacred words I hanged on to, for the longest time.

My heart has so much to say to God, but so little actually makes it out of my mouth, and some of it comes out through my eyes on bad days. And a lot of it doesn’t reach others.

There are so many reasons why I love my life now. The most bittersweet reason is one I know so damn clearly deep inside my soul – I love it because I know it won’t last. I know it will be gone like the wind one day and I know, I just know, I won’t be able to chase it back. These memories are and will be a gift, but it’s also one that I have to move on from when He calls me somewhere else.

I really wish to keep some people and some things though, if I may and He wills it. I know clearly that He loves me and He has really given me the best, but I guess I now need to live like it. 🙂

Thank You^infinity

#thebestisyettocome

still loved

i had so many thoughts but now that i open this page to record them… i find myself at a loss for words

 

this week has been one where life was so unfair to so many of us in some ways, but so good to us in others.

i felt so much for my friends when they lost their dad. i didn’t know what to say but just stayed around to help if needed. i didn’t want to crowd in on them further. i didn’t want them to entertain me with small talk and just chased them to bed and to do other stuff. it just hurt me to see them like that, even though we were not particularly close.

i felt a lot when i visited my friend’s church too. i started to see how privileged we were, and how readily we took everything for granted or as our own credit. how much do we really believe in one Church, one God? how far can i go to help them? when has it become competition – where sometimes i feel like we fight to be the best.. not for God, but between ourselves and for ourselves. i mean, what gain is there? what progress are we making? sometimes i feel like we focus on the wrong things.. and we chase the wrong things..if there is really a gap, why not we just move to fill it? we could.. we totally could.. no?

what is stopping us?

sometimes, i feel like i have to do certain things to be a better follower of Christ, and those things will only serve to turn some brothers and sisters against me. is there something wrong with all of us and our idea of what faith means? i do really wonder.