have a little faith

I knew people whose unbearable source of misery was their weight, their baldness, their lack of advancement in a workplace, or their inability to find the perfect mate, even if they themselves did not behave like one. To these people, unhappiness was a condition, an intolerable state of affairs.

Mitch Albom, in Have a Little Faith

isn’t there a right way to

find that someone?

aren’t there rules for the body to follow even when the heart cannot, or regardless of whether the heart wants to give in?

aren’t there things we must never ever give in to because it may cause misery and hurt and brokenness and irreparable damage to something so much deeper?

can’t we just hold it in and wait patiently?

can’t we just trust that the best will come and the best will be the one who does it right?

why do we allow ourselves to believe we deserve anything less than that?

or to believe that the person we supposedly love and who loves in return would deserve or require anything less than our best?

why do we continually choose speed and passion gratified over righteousness, hard-earned and hard-to-do respect and sweet patience?

why is there no value in ‘taking things slow’ and too much abuse in ‘let’s hang out and see where this goes.’?

why is waiting underrated while physical companionship and social status are over-glorified?

why do we rush into things and flee far far and away when our hearts get burnt in the quick fire?

why do we beg for things that aren’t for us? if you ever need to beg, that person is not worth it, and that person you want..is probably not the right person for you.

why do we merely settle for what’s available but not look forward to what God can bring to fruition, and trust in His timing?

why why why why is love so damn confusing and messy and burdensome, and why do we have such few examples to look up to?

what can we do? really, what can we do other than to go along with the tide?

what merit is there for us to go with the tide? what are we looking for, what do we want?

what are we made to enjoy?

cny 2017 is here

hello vivien,

i am glad you lived till today, that you could see and feel that you are blessed loved.

you will get over this 🙂

cny reunion was deliciously awkward as usual, which is fine.

And i guess, i love my family, and i have grown especially to appreciate my parents more in recent years. 🙂

heard a few stuff today about certain people i have let go of – feels kinda good actually, sad to say. but oh wells – people choose their own paths, i choose mine. 🙂

lazy days, tougher thoughts

I rather enjoyed my lazy day yesterday with j and e. And I am sure I will miss these days somewhere down the road.

And sometimes I do really wonder about the people I have been letting into my life since young – and why on earth do I do that to myself. I am inclined to think that I didn’t make too many wrong decisions with my friendships but the disappointments do really get to me once in a while, probably right about now.

… but i feel like it doesn’t sit too well with me either way……

MESSY.

*faints

 

That aside, I hope I don’t have to deal with too many lazy days ahead. And not feel pressured to give up more of myself for a while. Well, maybe there are some things I need to do so that I don’t feel like things are slipping through my fingers. 🙂

somewhat mundane work day

but still kind of thankful for it because of the time i managed to spend with the honestbee gang.

there’s still fear running through my veins about what the future holds, and i am always thankful for the affirmation and the assurance.

we have hit another weekend and my optimism wanes just a bit more.

God will always give me the best for me ya? 🙂

jiayou eh vi.

should catch up on other habits/stuff asap, haha.

i am pretty glad that i have overcome some barriers as far as piano practice goes, and also running head first into other barriers, lol. it’s okay they will be knocked down soon enough….? *valiant attempt at optimism*

i am truly glad for the things i have left in my life now – not in a envious or demeaning kinda way though. But i do think that without these things, i could never be who i am today. bad people will take hold of my heart and won’t let it go until it runs out of juice, but the good people and good things.. they protect me and they keep me sane and they keep me hoping and they show me things i don’t know about myself.

thanks so much for believing in me even when i can’t.

unsure what this is

Thank God for the beautiful people He has placed in my life during this time.

Maybe it’s to teach me a lesson about insecurities? Maybe. Just, maybe.

I am glad for many things I guess – andddddd I suppose I should focus on them rather than the things that hurt.

It is the first week of 2017, and I do feel quite at ease with it. People have left, people I have blocked out, and people have tugged at my heart begging to be let in… or basically just stormed straight into my heart and decided that they are going to stay.

Times when I wonder if a friendship between two people of opposite sex can be truly platonic. I used to answer this with a resounding ‘Of course.’ but now, I am not sure. And I realised maybe this idea has brought me more hurts than comforts. I think this is also a season where I am learning more about friendships and what they should be, and why I have been so foolishly settling for less, time and time again, person after person.

All I humbly ask now, is that the good ones are here to stay, and they will try their best not to break my heart. Sometimes the little girl in me still second guesses them and still go back to that state of learned helplessness where I just settle for less – times when I am willing to compromise more than what I should so that I can have ‘friends’.

Here I am, freshly 26, and learning extremely precious lessons about friendships.

Some people proving true to the last fibre of their soul – probably with their own baggage too but loving me with all their might, and step up to the times where my heart bleeds uncontrollably and I thought I would never survive.

Some who just entered my life, so raw and new and slightly unaware of what a problematic and unlovable person I am, and always seem extremely ready to give more than I am willing to let them.

Some who only value what I can give them and the possibility that I can offer more. I am so beyond done with these, but I do think I have so much more to grow and learn about handling the robbers in my life. I have allowed them to take away so much of who I am and who I can be, and maybe 2016 was a year of me realising I can’t give beyond what I receive, and I can’t live in such debt forever.

Going back to whether friendships between two people of the opposite sex can be allowed – hard lah. For someone like me with a weak heart, it’s difficult. I fall in love too easily, and then I crash and burn in the flames, and appear again as a broken baby phoenix. Somewhat the same, but also somewhat different. I am afraid though, of making the same bloody mistake again. Perhaps so much so that I cut myself off willingly.

Well… probably not the wisest thing to do, but how else do you keep a heart of glass safe?

I know I know, so many loopholes in that one.