Thank God for the beautiful people He has placed in my life during this time.
Maybe it’s to teach me a lesson about insecurities? Maybe. Just, maybe.
I am glad for many things I guess – andddddd I suppose I should focus on them rather than the things that hurt.
It is the first week of 2017, and I do feel quite at ease with it. People have left, people I have blocked out, and people have tugged at my heart begging to be let in… or basically just stormed straight into my heart and decided that they are going to stay.
Times when I wonder if a friendship between two people of opposite sex can be truly platonic. I used to answer this with a resounding ‘Of course.’ but now, I am not sure. And I realised maybe this idea has brought me more hurts than comforts. I think this is also a season where I am learning more about friendships and what they should be, and why I have been so foolishly settling for less, time and time again, person after person.
All I humbly ask now, is that the good ones are here to stay, and they will try their best not to break my heart. Sometimes the little girl in me still second guesses them and still go back to that state of learned helplessness where I just settle for less – times when I am willing to compromise more than what I should so that I can have ‘friends’.
Here I am, freshly 26, and learning extremely precious lessons about friendships.
Some people proving true to the last fibre of their soul – probably with their own baggage too but loving me with all their might, and step up to the times where my heart bleeds uncontrollably and I thought I would never survive.
Some who just entered my life, so raw and new and slightly unaware of what a problematic and unlovable person I am, and always seem extremely ready to give more than I am willing to let them.
Some who only value what I can give them and the possibility that I can offer more. I am so beyond done with these, but I do think I have so much more to grow and learn about handling the robbers in my life. I have allowed them to take away so much of who I am and who I can be, and maybe 2016 was a year of me realising I can’t give beyond what I receive, and I can’t live in such debt forever.
Going back to whether friendships between two people of the opposite sex can be allowed – hard lah. For someone like me with a weak heart, it’s difficult. I fall in love too easily, and then I crash and burn in the flames, and appear again as a broken baby phoenix. Somewhat the same, but also somewhat different. I am afraid though, of making the same bloody mistake again. Perhaps so much so that I cut myself off willingly.
Well… probably not the wisest thing to do, but how else do you keep a heart of glass safe?
I know I know, so many loopholes in that one.