i thought i wasn’t worth it until you came along

need to remember that night where we just said everything that was on our hearts and agreed to fight this out together.

and to know that we are both in for the long haul, and no one is going to leave the other behind.

yep, it will be meaningful and worthwhile.

it may not come easy for us, but it will be worth it for me because i know it’s you i am fighting for.


i am praying really hard for this, and i hope you do, too.



playing it lowkey and clean

on some days, he says things that i can’t understand, and makes me fear that he won’t be willing to try and make this work. he makes me fear that this is just a challenging game to be navigated and figured out.

i feel kinda silly to be ready to give everything up, only to know that it could possibly be just me and my wishful thinking, and that it could be one-sided.


oh gosh v, why don’t u ever learn


EDIT: okay, misunderstandinggggggg. 🙂 check latest post

it’s almost july! hahaha

so much has changed since my last post.

life has been sweet but sometimes i don’t know if this will be here to stay.

it’s been difficult to live for possibilities and dreams these 2 years, and having to cut off people from my life.

it’s been difficult to let people into my life during such times. But I am sure that it’s meant to be, and gosh, they are really such blessings in my life. It’s unreal, yes because it was from God. God chooses the most unlikely people to bless the giver and the receiver.

i can’t help but feel i am so super blessed to have such episodes and such stories to tell. i am glad that zhong has also found so much more blessings in her life after 2 years (or was it more?) in the wilderness.

hopefully, i will come out of mine soon enough.


and you, yah.. me and my negative talk about how this might not work out.

words cannot describe how i feel, haha. glad to know someone like you exists. not really sure where this might go, but i am incredibly thankful for this time and the lessons learnt. 🙂 and yes you are right, we need to be patient.


okay i guess i will wait a bit more and not try to kill myself over this, haha.

it can be quite tiring mulling over this, and then seeing the circumstances which tell a different story. so many different stories.

kinda unsure about where things will go.. and most importantly, where God leads. i just hope i do the right things in the right place in the right time.

clawing back slowly, and with a lighter heart, finally.

june and july, please be nice and full of good things.

giving up again

i really dislike this feeling of being vulnerable and open.

feeling like i am at the mercy of someone else’s decision or feelings.

and maybe that’s why i counter falling fast with detachment and moving on fast.

i don’t want to stay long enough to mull over stuff and consider and give space and what not..


staying long enough for a possibility is just merely asking to be stabbed right in the heart.


and i told myself i would stop doing that, and i don’t have many decades more to wait on stuff like this… and so i shall not.


i don’t need these people in my life..i wanted them in my life, but i am not sure if that feeling was mutual enough for people to warrant some action and effort.


and no, vi has no time to wait..she has to go.

need restttt

April was pretty much madness. Quite a bit of drama in my life and me feeling incredibly inadequate in facing them.

Very thankful for my friends and kids who are always there to shine some light into my dark existence. 🙂

I am back into a lot of uncertainty I guess. May is going to be crazy too, and I sure hope I will survive it. 🙂


my tutees

i don’t talk much about my tutees here, but i love making them feel awkward in their own different ways. 🙂

i like using ‘Ms Amanda’ on her even though she never remembers my name and is an utter troublemaker. But she receives me differently when I respect that she has her own mind and way of doing things and that if it’s reasonable, I would give her that space to be herself.

As for Safwan, I will nag about careless mistakes and reaffirm that he’s an A student. And throw him more stuff to do because I think maths is too easy for the likes of an expert like him. To which, he gives me an awkward smile and continues to slog hard at his sums.

I am quite ruthless towards Samin and we work like competitive friends. We work on stuff together, and I laugh at him because I found the answer faster. We laugh together when we both miss the same thing, and we dismiss the question as dumb. I teach him like I am sharing secrets and shortcuts.

As for Airis, I need to pray for her mind to be awakened and I need my love for her to blossom into appropriate training so that she can become competent at what she does and enjoy doing it. 🙂


off day!

It’s been very long since i had an off day! And it’s going to be tomorrow. 🙂

Kinda thankful for the off day but i am actually thinking of how to fill it up LOL.

I went to church today feeling again first hand that I lost some people in my life – which is okay because I am kinda glad for it. We all should be glad for losing the ones who can’t care less about you when you are down and out and have nothing much to offer them.

It feels somewhat scary that my life is on a very different path now, one that I never expected. It is exciting and breathtaking and somewhat liberating, but part of me still holds on to what should have/could have been. 😐

Silly, I know. Still learning. 🙂