i thought i wasn’t worth it until you came along

need to remember that night where we just said everything that was on our hearts and agreed to fight this out together.

and to know that we are both in for the long haul, and no one is going to leave the other behind.

yep, it will be meaningful and worthwhile.

it may not come easy for us, but it will be worth it for me because i know it’s you i am fighting for.

 

i am praying really hard for this, and i hope you do, too.

 

终于等到你还好我没放弃
幸福来得好不容易
才会让人更加珍惜
终于等到你差点要错过你
在最好的年纪遇到你
才算没有辜负自己
终于等到你

playing it lowkey and clean

on some days, he says things that i can’t understand, and makes me fear that he won’t be willing to try and make this work. he makes me fear that this is just a challenging game to be navigated and figured out.

i feel kinda silly to be ready to give everything up, only to know that it could possibly be just me and my wishful thinking, and that it could be one-sided.

 

oh gosh v, why don’t u ever learn

 

EDIT: okay, misunderstandinggggggg. 🙂 check latest post

7788

I have been putting quite a bit of effort into my practice these days. It’s really tough to relearn the basics and having to go back and fix simple stuff like position, and posture. Sigh, I regret learning under other teachers in the past. So much to correct and so much to change, but slowly but surely, I have been making progress.

Still a long way to perfection but I will get there! shall be 99tenten soon

I am also trying to get back my entire routine. Been setting early alarms and trying to wake up early to run or just soak in the morning air. Reading. Journaling. Songwriting, even, on some days.

Thinking back to last year – I now have an almost entirely different set of friends and people I trust. But some have stayed and made the journey a bit easier. If anything, I am still very sure that God has something greater for me than what is before my eyes now, and I will continue to wait.

Yes, I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

My God is faithful, my God is faithful.

You Never Let Go by Matt Redman

beautiful

photo_2017-02-08_22-36-05I kinda counseled a girl today about her self-esteem and her own ideas of what it means to be beautiful.

and somehow i do really hate that i struggle with the same problem too. i remember me telling evangeline a year ago – that the solution to me being a me that i don’t like but i can’t avoid – is to know how much God loves me. to know and experience it so much that I can love myself more.

a year on – i am still struggling to see that i am beautiful in the eyes of the Creator.

and the ‘best’ thing is, i am not even sure what i am feeling insecure about. being single? yolo-ing through life? extended gap year in life? feeling inadequate on my social skills? feeling like i am not good enough for good guys or good friends? not talented enough? wanting some stability in so many things and not having it? not feeling like i have any direction?

there are many possibilities but idk why i am feeling kinda low about life in general. :/

 

then again…

it could be pms, haha

 

pls go away pms

isn’t there a right way to

find that someone?

aren’t there rules for the body to follow even when the heart cannot, or regardless of whether the heart wants to give in?

aren’t there things we must never ever give in to because it may cause misery and hurt and brokenness and irreparable damage to something so much deeper?

can’t we just hold it in and wait patiently?

can’t we just trust that the best will come and the best will be the one who does it right?

why do we allow ourselves to believe we deserve anything less than that?

or to believe that the person we supposedly love and who loves in return would deserve or require anything less than our best?

why do we continually choose speed and passion gratified over righteousness, hard-earned and hard-to-do respect and sweet patience?

why is there no value in ‘taking things slow’ and too much abuse in ‘let’s hang out and see where this goes.’?

why is waiting underrated while physical companionship and social status are over-glorified?

why do we rush into things and flee far far and away when our hearts get burnt in the quick fire?

why do we beg for things that aren’t for us? if you ever need to beg, that person is not worth it, and that person you want..is probably not the right person for you.

why do we merely settle for what’s available but not look forward to what God can bring to fruition, and trust in His timing?

why why why why is love so damn confusing and messy and burdensome, and why do we have such few examples to look up to?

what can we do? really, what can we do other than to go along with the tide?

what merit is there for us to go with the tide? what are we looking for, what do we want?

what are we made to enjoy?

searching

Setting the world right one person at a time

to teach them to know God

to love others in the right way

to bring light into the darkness

to bring heaven to earth

to teach them how to praise,

not just with music, or words

but with every fibre of their being.

that whatever they have, or

whatever in the past, or

whoever people tell them they are,

they may know and recognize

that they are children of the living God and..

they can live free, as such.

my mind takes an off day..

maybe?

I am supposed to be on shift at 1pm but it’s 1:05pm and I am still sitting at home. Life is tiring these days. Times when I just want to sleep and never wake up – yes, slightly morbid, I know.

I will eventually get to work and churn out my stuff on time – for those in the crowd hyperventilating at the thought of my irresponsible adult-ness.

Yesterday was quite a good day at work just because I felt like I have friends who love me more than my church does. :/ Kinda embarrassing to admit it, but it’s true, and gosh, it feels good to be loved and acknowledged and affirmed. Sometimes, that’s what keeps a person alive, doesn’t it?

There is a big day coming up next week. I feel like I am regressing, very quickly in fact, to a past version of me, but I can’t pinpoint which version this is. Haha. Which year it was. But it feels familiar.

I can’t wait for the big day to be over and then I can go ‘party’ lol. Even if that means another week of stalking portals and refreshing the same page to see if there’s any progress. Though actually, I feel like going for a really long run to the beach, or maybe even cycle. I haven’t cycled since… well, him. I still have the memories and it doesn’t hurt but I still don’t really like recalling them and seeing the shadows around me. It’s kinda creepy. I do really feel like burying myself deep in something though…. whichhhh i shall figure out when the time comes.

Maybe I would attempt some early spring-cleaning, and finally restart on my Christmas cards – because heartbreak stops me from doing heart work. Haha. Really need to stop staying here and go back to loving my kiddos.

Sadly. Sometimes

it is just a huge disappointment.

Chanced upon this article.

‘If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.’

I don’t suppose I come from the same place the author did, but I do agree with that statement, somewhat painfully. And perhaps also struggling to believe it’s not a problem with me that I urgently need to fix. I have come across too many boys who say they want to be with me but aren’t willing to put any heart or effort or action into it. By ‘too many’, I mean it has become too much for my heart to take. I used to try and soften the blow a lot, but I am growing up and I just try to accept one of these two possibilities:

(1) I am not good enough; I wasn’t worth the fight

(2) the guy is, very bluntly put, an asshole.

Maybe I am somewhat lucky that more often than not, I have only come across assholes (conclusion after a lot of internal struggles and heartache) – no real missed opportunities or whatsoever. I mean if the dude is an asshole, thennnn I should count myself lucky for escaping them.

Even though they say it, they may not mean it at all. – and gosh, am I tired for having to deal with those words and empty promises of the moon and their ‘affection’..

‘If he wants to be with you, he would be with you.’

I say, ‘If he wants to be with you, he would fight for that chance.’ Anything outside that is just empty words that are so damn freaking cheap to give but cut deeply into the heart as disappointment and insult.

And when we get to that point, can words from the same person heal a broken heart?

In fact, what words, or.. is there even anything that can heal a broken heart?

leaving

I have decided, I guess.

I don’t suppose it was easy at all but I guess, it’s all done inside.

And somehow everything that is entering my system just reaffirms that maybe it is the time to put the candle and the dreams and hopes down and run off somewhere else, alone.

i want to say more but i don’t see much of a point.

nothing is going to change and i am not sure how i will ever walk out. just when i thought i could certify myself alright, shit hits the fan…

and it starts all over.

maybe i will never find it, maybe i will – whatever it is, i shall just try and do the right thing where i am.

tiring though, really.

it’s almost december

I am having a really rare off day. Decided to give my kids a day off cell group to catch up on other parts of their lives – like having rest, spending time with their family, preparing for their exams. It also happened that I am not feeling too well myself. I would have been practicing on the piano by now.. but uncle is making a lot of noise in the living room + I left most of my books after a night out with my amazing colleagues.

Not being in the mood to do much of anything, I am just sitting here clearing up my table and attempting to get some of the year-end christmasy stuff done. Maybe it’s all in God’s plan to make me sit here and listen to Him.

Many have been asking me for prayer requests and/or updates from MOE. I always answer the same thing. You would think they would have remembered the answer by now – but nah, people don’t – whichhhh I am getting used to.

It’s been so long since I logged back into Careers@Gov to check my application status. So long to the extent that I forgot the portal link, and I am not sure if i sign in on another device.. maybe i have forgotten the password too. I managed it today anyway – went back in, and there it was – one of the most sacred words I hanged on to, for the longest time.

My heart has so much to say to God, but so little actually makes it out of my mouth, and some of it comes out through my eyes on bad days. And a lot of it doesn’t reach others.

There are so many reasons why I love my life now. The most bittersweet reason is one I know so damn clearly deep inside my soul – I love it because I know it won’t last. I know it will be gone like the wind one day and I know, I just know, I won’t be able to chase it back. These memories are and will be a gift, but it’s also one that I have to move on from when He calls me somewhere else.

I really wish to keep some people and some things though, if I may and He wills it. I know clearly that He loves me and He has really given me the best, but I guess I now need to live like it. 🙂

Thank You^infinity

#thebestisyettocome