july

okay i guess i will wait a bit more and not try to kill myself over this, haha.

it can be quite tiring mulling over this, and then seeing the circumstances which tell a different story. so many different stories.

kinda unsure about where things will go.. and most importantly, where God leads. i just hope i do the right things in the right place in the right time.

clawing back slowly, and with a lighter heart, finally.

june and july, please be nice and full of good things.

giving up again

i really dislike this feeling of being vulnerable and open.

feeling like i am at the mercy of someone else’s decision or feelings.

and maybe that’s why i counter falling fast with detachment and moving on fast.

i don’t want to stay long enough to mull over stuff and consider and give space and what not..

 

staying long enough for a possibility is just merely asking to be stabbed right in the heart.

 

and i told myself i would stop doing that, and i don’t have many decades more to wait on stuff like this… and so i shall not.

 

i don’t need these people in my life..i wanted them in my life, but i am not sure if that feeling was mutual enough for people to warrant some action and effort.

 

and no, vi has no time to wait..she has to go.

need restttt

April was pretty much madness. Quite a bit of drama in my life and me feeling incredibly inadequate in facing them.

Very thankful for my friends and kids who are always there to shine some light into my dark existence. 🙂

I am back into a lot of uncertainty I guess. May is going to be crazy too, and I sure hope I will survive it. 🙂

NEED REST

beautiful

photo_2017-02-08_22-36-05I kinda counseled a girl today about her self-esteem and her own ideas of what it means to be beautiful.

and somehow i do really hate that i struggle with the same problem too. i remember me telling evangeline a year ago – that the solution to me being a me that i don’t like but i can’t avoid – is to know how much God loves me. to know and experience it so much that I can love myself more.

a year on – i am still struggling to see that i am beautiful in the eyes of the Creator.

and the ‘best’ thing is, i am not even sure what i am feeling insecure about. being single? yolo-ing through life? extended gap year in life? feeling inadequate on my social skills? feeling like i am not good enough for good guys or good friends? not talented enough? wanting some stability in so many things and not having it? not feeling like i have any direction?

there are many possibilities but idk why i am feeling kinda low about life in general. :/

 

then again…

it could be pms, haha

 

pls go away pms

have a little faith

I knew people whose unbearable source of misery was their weight, their baldness, their lack of advancement in a workplace, or their inability to find the perfect mate, even if they themselves did not behave like one. To these people, unhappiness was a condition, an intolerable state of affairs.

Mitch Albom, in Have a Little Faith

isn’t there a right way to

find that someone?

aren’t there rules for the body to follow even when the heart cannot, or regardless of whether the heart wants to give in?

aren’t there things we must never ever give in to because it may cause misery and hurt and brokenness and irreparable damage to something so much deeper?

can’t we just hold it in and wait patiently?

can’t we just trust that the best will come and the best will be the one who does it right?

why do we allow ourselves to believe we deserve anything less than that?

or to believe that the person we supposedly love and who loves in return would deserve or require anything less than our best?

why do we continually choose speed and passion gratified over righteousness, hard-earned and hard-to-do respect and sweet patience?

why is there no value in ‘taking things slow’ and too much abuse in ‘let’s hang out and see where this goes.’?

why is waiting underrated while physical companionship and social status are over-glorified?

why do we rush into things and flee far far and away when our hearts get burnt in the quick fire?

why do we beg for things that aren’t for us? if you ever need to beg, that person is not worth it, and that person you want..is probably not the right person for you.

why do we merely settle for what’s available but not look forward to what God can bring to fruition, and trust in His timing?

why why why why is love so damn confusing and messy and burdensome, and why do we have such few examples to look up to?

what can we do? really, what can we do other than to go along with the tide?

what merit is there for us to go with the tide? what are we looking for, what do we want?

what are we made to enjoy?

cny 2017 is here

hello vivien,

i am glad you lived till today, that you could see and feel that you are blessed loved.

you will get over this 🙂

cny reunion was deliciously awkward as usual, which is fine.

And i guess, i love my family, and i have grown especially to appreciate my parents more in recent years. 🙂

heard a few stuff today about certain people i have let go of – feels kinda good actually, sad to say. but oh wells – people choose their own paths, i choose mine. 🙂

lazy days, tougher thoughts

I rather enjoyed my lazy day yesterday with j and e. And I am sure I will miss these days somewhere down the road.

And sometimes I do really wonder about the people I have been letting into my life since young – and why on earth do I do that to myself. I am inclined to think that I didn’t make too many wrong decisions with my friendships but the disappointments do really get to me once in a while, probably right about now.

… but i feel like it doesn’t sit too well with me either way……

MESSY.

*faints

 

That aside, I hope I don’t have to deal with too many lazy days ahead. And not feel pressured to give up more of myself for a while. Well, maybe there are some things I need to do so that I don’t feel like things are slipping through my fingers. 🙂