it’s somewhat surreal that i am making this post in the middle of the day. a Monday. i am usually at work, slogging my guts out or.. not really.. idk.
things have happened. so much has happened. so much so that i find it difficult to articulate or even jot down everything.
i am not going to be all high and lofty and blog about how life is such a cruel and unpredictable thing. because i am only a girl who tries to be a bit better than who she was the day before, and sometimes.. well, many times, she fails. who am i to comment about life..?
but it does really stink immensely to sit here and feel helpless against whatever some of us have accepted as ‘part of life’.
the small things and the big things..
the ones that get taken away and the ones that don’t..
the ones that you want to keep and the ones that you need..
the ones people get so easily while you work your butt off and are resigned to smell it from afar..
the ones you lost and the ones you get left with and can’t get rid of even if you wanted to
the ones you can joke about and the ones that make you cry
it’s so unfair and it’s so hard to stay afloat on some days. it’s so hard to learn how to stand on your own and then, discovering your friend has stopped walking too, and that other person, and this other one beside you… it never ends. in a rush to save everyone, i realise we can’t, and we are all just victims of this fallen world.
have we forgotten who we really are? i think i have, countless of times. and even if i did remember, what use is that? who does that save? what difference does it make?
even in this phase, i find myself wanting to know and wanting to see God’s truth and goodness. that if one is willing, they can do all of those things and restore. restore things to what it should be.
and goshhhhhhh, i am so bloody unsatisfied.
it’s not that i have lost faith. i have so much faith in my loving Almighty God that i believe He is hurting too and soooooo i just can’t understand what’s going through His mind and His heart. just when i am starting to understand the nature of His gentle silence, i find myself asking again and again, ‘why the heck do these things happen and what do You want me to do with it? i have no frigging idea what to do with my feelings, with what i witness, with what i have and where i am.’
and yet.. He just ANSWERS me with silence that is… well, uniquely His. a silence that stills and calms. a silence that tells me it would all come to light one day – and my soul will be satisfied to the fullest, if i will let Him try.
so i said, ‘okay.’