my tutees

i don’t talk much about my tutees here, but i love making them feel awkward in their own different ways. 🙂

i like using ‘Ms Amanda’ on her even though she never remembers my name and is an utter troublemaker. But she receives me differently when I respect that she has her own mind and way of doing things and that if it’s reasonable, I would give her that space to be herself.

As for Safwan, I will nag about careless mistakes and reaffirm that he’s an A student. And throw him more stuff to do because I think maths is too easy for the likes of an expert like him. To which, he gives me an awkward smile and continues to slog hard at his sums.

I am quite ruthless towards Samin and we work like competitive friends. We work on stuff together, and I laugh at him because I found the answer faster. We laugh together when we both miss the same thing, and we dismiss the question as dumb. I teach him like I am sharing secrets and shortcuts.

As for Airis, I need to pray for her mind to be awakened and I need my love for her to blossom into appropriate training so that she can become competent at what she does and enjoy doing it. 🙂

 

pretty good March I guess

i have rather mixed feelings about how March went, or rather, since the last time I posted.

I am glad I am alive! I am glad God is good. 🙂

Been learning a lot about myself, people and finding some thrill in diving into the Bible.

Decided to embark on another potentially pricey travel trip this year for the sake of my own sanity, and to figure out stuff with God. On some level, it might not be wise, but I think it is necessary for me to find an undisturbed zone or place away from the hustle of Singapore. To reset my heart and my soul 🙂

I am learning to love what I have been given, and to rejoice in the small things, and to rise to bigger things. Rediscovering the power of prayer and feeling brave enough to pray with authority and respect. Also, I have a desire to move into bigger and greater things God has prepared. But… in that, there’s always the small things to fulfill, and I need to learn to do those faithfully. 🙂

7788

I have been putting quite a bit of effort into my practice these days. It’s really tough to relearn the basics and having to go back and fix simple stuff like position, and posture. Sigh, I regret learning under other teachers in the past. So much to correct and so much to change, but slowly but surely, I have been making progress.

Still a long way to perfection but I will get there! shall be 99tenten soon

I am also trying to get back my entire routine. Been setting early alarms and trying to wake up early to run or just soak in the morning air. Reading. Journaling. Songwriting, even, on some days.

Thinking back to last year – I now have an almost entirely different set of friends and people I trust. But some have stayed and made the journey a bit easier. If anything, I am still very sure that God has something greater for me than what is before my eyes now, and I will continue to wait.

Yes, I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

My God is faithful, my God is faithful.

You Never Let Go by Matt Redman

lazy days, tougher thoughts

I rather enjoyed my lazy day yesterday with j and e. And I am sure I will miss these days somewhere down the road.

And sometimes I do really wonder about the people I have been letting into my life since young – and why on earth do I do that to myself. I am inclined to think that I didn’t make too many wrong decisions with my friendships but the disappointments do really get to me once in a while, probably right about now.

… but i feel like it doesn’t sit too well with me either way……

MESSY.

*faints

 

That aside, I hope I don’t have to deal with too many lazy days ahead. And not feel pressured to give up more of myself for a while. Well, maybe there are some things I need to do so that I don’t feel like things are slipping through my fingers. 🙂

somewhat mundane work day

but still kind of thankful for it because of the time i managed to spend with the honestbee gang.

there’s still fear running through my veins about what the future holds, and i am always thankful for the affirmation and the assurance.

we have hit another weekend and my optimism wanes just a bit more.

God will always give me the best for me ya? 🙂

jiayou eh vi.

should catch up on other habits/stuff asap, haha.

i am pretty glad that i have overcome some barriers as far as piano practice goes, and also running head first into other barriers, lol. it’s okay they will be knocked down soon enough….? *valiant attempt at optimism*

i am truly glad for the things i have left in my life now – not in a envious or demeaning kinda way though. But i do think that without these things, i could never be who i am today. bad people will take hold of my heart and won’t let it go until it runs out of juice, but the good people and good things.. they protect me and they keep me sane and they keep me hoping and they show me things i don’t know about myself.

thanks so much for believing in me even when i can’t.

searching

Setting the world right one person at a time

to teach them to know God

to love others in the right way

to bring light into the darkness

to bring heaven to earth

to teach them how to praise,

not just with music, or words

but with every fibre of their being.

that whatever they have, or

whatever in the past, or

whoever people tell them they are,

they may know and recognize

that they are children of the living God and..

they can live free, as such.

it’s almost december

I am having a really rare off day. Decided to give my kids a day off cell group to catch up on other parts of their lives – like having rest, spending time with their family, preparing for their exams. It also happened that I am not feeling too well myself. I would have been practicing on the piano by now.. but uncle is making a lot of noise in the living room + I left most of my books after a night out with my amazing colleagues.

Not being in the mood to do much of anything, I am just sitting here clearing up my table and attempting to get some of the year-end christmasy stuff done. Maybe it’s all in God’s plan to make me sit here and listen to Him.

Many have been asking me for prayer requests and/or updates from MOE. I always answer the same thing. You would think they would have remembered the answer by now – but nah, people don’t – whichhhh I am getting used to.

It’s been so long since I logged back into Careers@Gov to check my application status. So long to the extent that I forgot the portal link, and I am not sure if i sign in on another device.. maybe i have forgotten the password too. I managed it today anyway – went back in, and there it was – one of the most sacred words I hanged on to, for the longest time.

My heart has so much to say to God, but so little actually makes it out of my mouth, and some of it comes out through my eyes on bad days. And a lot of it doesn’t reach others.

There are so many reasons why I love my life now. The most bittersweet reason is one I know so damn clearly deep inside my soul – I love it because I know it won’t last. I know it will be gone like the wind one day and I know, I just know, I won’t be able to chase it back. These memories are and will be a gift, but it’s also one that I have to move on from when He calls me somewhere else.

I really wish to keep some people and some things though, if I may and He wills it. I know clearly that He loves me and He has really given me the best, but I guess I now need to live like it. 🙂

Thank You^infinity

#thebestisyettocome

still loved

i had so many thoughts but now that i open this page to record them… i find myself at a loss for words

 

this week has been one where life was so unfair to so many of us in some ways, but so good to us in others.

i felt so much for my friends when they lost their dad. i didn’t know what to say but just stayed around to help if needed. i didn’t want to crowd in on them further. i didn’t want them to entertain me with small talk and just chased them to bed and to do other stuff. it just hurt me to see them like that, even though we were not particularly close.

i felt a lot when i visited my friend’s church too. i started to see how privileged we were, and how readily we took everything for granted or as our own credit. how much do we really believe in one Church, one God? how far can i go to help them? when has it become competition – where sometimes i feel like we fight to be the best.. not for God, but between ourselves and for ourselves. i mean, what gain is there? what progress are we making? sometimes i feel like we focus on the wrong things.. and we chase the wrong things..if there is really a gap, why not we just move to fill it? we could.. we totally could.. no?

what is stopping us?

sometimes, i feel like i have to do certain things to be a better follower of Christ, and those things will only serve to turn some brothers and sisters against me. is there something wrong with all of us and our idea of what faith means? i do really wonder.

things have happened

it’s somewhat surreal that i am making this post in the middle of the day. a Monday. i am usually at work, slogging my guts out or.. not really.. idk.

things have happened. so much has happened. so much so that i find it difficult to articulate or even jot down everything.

i am not going to be all high and lofty and blog about how life is such a cruel and unpredictable thing. because i am only a girl who tries to be a bit better than who she was the day before, and sometimes.. well, many times, she fails. who am i to comment about life..?

but it does really stink immensely to sit here and feel helpless against whatever some of us have accepted as ‘part of life’.

the small things and the big things..

the ones that get taken away and the ones that don’t..

the ones that you want to keep and the ones that you need..

the ones people get so easily while you work your butt off and are resigned to smell it from afar..

the ones you lost and the ones you get left with and can’t get rid of even if you wanted to

the ones you can joke about and the ones that make you cry

it’s so unfair and it’s so hard to stay afloat on some days. it’s so hard to learn how to stand on your own and then, discovering your friend has stopped walking too, and that other person, and this other one beside you… it never ends. in a rush to save everyone, i realise we can’t, and we are all just victims of this fallen world.

have we forgotten who we really are? i think i have, countless of times. and even if i did remember, what use is that? who does that save? what difference does it make?

even in this phase, i find myself wanting to know and wanting to see God’s truth and goodness. that if one is willing, they can do all of those things and restore. restore things to what it should be.

and goshhhhhhh, i am so bloody unsatisfied.

it’s not that i have lost faith. i have so much faith in my loving Almighty God that i believe He is hurting too and soooooo i just can’t understand what’s going through His mind and His heart. just when i am starting to understand the nature of His gentle silence, i find myself asking again and again, ‘why the heck do these things happen and what do You want me to do with it? i have no frigging idea what to do with my feelings, with what i witness, with what i have and where i am.’

and yet.. He just ANSWERS me with silence that is… well, uniquely His. a silence that stills and calms. a silence that tells me it would all come to light one day – and my soul will be satisfied to the fullest, if i will let Him try.

so i said, ‘okay.’