i thought i wasn’t worth it until you came along

need to remember that night where we just said everything that was on our hearts and agreed to fight this out together.

and to know that we are both in for the long haul, and no one is going to leave the other behind.

yep, it will be meaningful and worthwhile.

it may not come easy for us, but it will be worth it for me because i know it’s you i am fighting for.


i am praying really hard for this, and i hope you do, too.



playing it lowkey and clean

on some days, he says things that i can’t understand, and makes me fear that he won’t be willing to try and make this work. he makes me fear that this is just a challenging game to be navigated and figured out.

i feel kinda silly to be ready to give everything up, only to know that it could possibly be just me and my wishful thinking, and that it could be one-sided.


oh gosh v, why don’t u ever learn


EDIT: okay, misunderstandinggggggg. 🙂 check latest post

giving up again

i really dislike this feeling of being vulnerable and open.

feeling like i am at the mercy of someone else’s decision or feelings.

and maybe that’s why i counter falling fast with detachment and moving on fast.

i don’t want to stay long enough to mull over stuff and consider and give space and what not..


staying long enough for a possibility is just merely asking to be stabbed right in the heart.


and i told myself i would stop doing that, and i don’t have many decades more to wait on stuff like this… and so i shall not.


i don’t need these people in my life..i wanted them in my life, but i am not sure if that feeling was mutual enough for people to warrant some action and effort.


and no, vi has no time to wait..she has to go.

my tutees

i don’t talk much about my tutees here, but i love making them feel awkward in their own different ways. 🙂

i like using ‘Ms Amanda’ on her even though she never remembers my name and is an utter troublemaker. But she receives me differently when I respect that she has her own mind and way of doing things and that if it’s reasonable, I would give her that space to be herself.

As for Safwan, I will nag about careless mistakes and reaffirm that he’s an A student. And throw him more stuff to do because I think maths is too easy for the likes of an expert like him. To which, he gives me an awkward smile and continues to slog hard at his sums.

I am quite ruthless towards Samin and we work like competitive friends. We work on stuff together, and I laugh at him because I found the answer faster. We laugh together when we both miss the same thing, and we dismiss the question as dumb. I teach him like I am sharing secrets and shortcuts.

As for Airis, I need to pray for her mind to be awakened and I need my love for her to blossom into appropriate training so that she can become competent at what she does and enjoy doing it. 🙂


pretty good March I guess

i have rather mixed feelings about how March went, or rather, since the last time I posted.

I am glad I am alive! I am glad God is good. 🙂

Been learning a lot about myself, people and finding some thrill in diving into the Bible.

Decided to embark on another potentially pricey travel trip this year for the sake of my own sanity, and to figure out stuff with God. On some level, it might not be wise, but I think it is necessary for me to find an undisturbed zone or place away from the hustle of Singapore. To reset my heart and my soul 🙂

I am learning to love what I have been given, and to rejoice in the small things, and to rise to bigger things. Rediscovering the power of prayer and feeling brave enough to pray with authority and respect. Also, I have a desire to move into bigger and greater things God has prepared. But… in that, there’s always the small things to fulfill, and I need to learn to do those faithfully. 🙂

well, i wouldn’t

well i wouldn’t say that timothy keller is life-changing. There really are some parts of his writing where I am just merely going through banter and I am not sure if there is any real point to be made.

But I am reading Prayer right now and some parts of it has been rather insightful, though I am not sure if anything really hits home. He uses very comfy language in my opinion, which, somewhat lacks oomph and conviction.

That said, I still feel my ideas about prayer are being challenged, and fresh stuff does enter my heart and soul.

David found the heart to pray when he received God’s Word of promise – that he would establish his throne and build him a house. Christians, however, have an infinitely greater Word of promise. God will not merely build us a house, he will make us HIS house. He will fill us with his presence, beauty and glory. Every time Christians merely remember who they are in Christ, that great word comes home to us and we will find, over and over, a heart to pray.

Chapter 4, Conversing with God

Prayer: Experience Awe and Intimacy with God, by Timothy Keller.


I have been putting quite a bit of effort into my practice these days. It’s really tough to relearn the basics and having to go back and fix simple stuff like position, and posture. Sigh, I regret learning under other teachers in the past. So much to correct and so much to change, but slowly but surely, I have been making progress.

Still a long way to perfection but I will get there! shall be 99tenten soon

I am also trying to get back my entire routine. Been setting early alarms and trying to wake up early to run or just soak in the morning air. Reading. Journaling. Songwriting, even, on some days.

Thinking back to last year – I now have an almost entirely different set of friends and people I trust. But some have stayed and made the journey a bit easier. If anything, I am still very sure that God has something greater for me than what is before my eyes now, and I will continue to wait.

Yes, I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

My God is faithful, my God is faithful.

You Never Let Go by Matt Redman


i want to remember: today i had movie marathon with j and e. never done this sorta thing before, but it was cosy, full of laughs and full of vegetables.

idw to remember: feeling like someone might leave soon. i regret that i am too burdensome and too broken to belong and be loved. feeling like i need to live up to perfection. feeling like i can’t be honest with people i love about who i am and what i feel and who i wish to be, because if i were to do that, they would leave.

isn’t there a right way to

find that someone?

aren’t there rules for the body to follow even when the heart cannot, or regardless of whether the heart wants to give in?

aren’t there things we must never ever give in to because it may cause misery and hurt and brokenness and irreparable damage to something so much deeper?

can’t we just hold it in and wait patiently?

can’t we just trust that the best will come and the best will be the one who does it right?

why do we allow ourselves to believe we deserve anything less than that?

or to believe that the person we supposedly love and who loves in return would deserve or require anything less than our best?

why do we continually choose speed and passion gratified over righteousness, hard-earned and hard-to-do respect and sweet patience?

why is there no value in ‘taking things slow’ and too much abuse in ‘let’s hang out and see where this goes.’?

why is waiting underrated while physical companionship and social status are over-glorified?

why do we rush into things and flee far far and away when our hearts get burnt in the quick fire?

why do we beg for things that aren’t for us? if you ever need to beg, that person is not worth it, and that person you want..is probably not the right person for you.

why do we merely settle for what’s available but not look forward to what God can bring to fruition, and trust in His timing?

why why why why is love so damn confusing and messy and burdensome, and why do we have such few examples to look up to?

what can we do? really, what can we do other than to go along with the tide?

what merit is there for us to go with the tide? what are we looking for, what do we want?

what are we made to enjoy?