it’s almost july! hahaha

so much has changed since my last post.

life has been sweet but sometimes i don’t know if this will be here to stay.

it’s been difficult to live for possibilities and dreams these 2 years, and having to cut off people from my life.

it’s been difficult to let people into my life during such times. But I am sure that it’s meant to be, and gosh, they are really such blessings in my life. It’s unreal, yes because it was from God. God chooses the most unlikely people to bless the giver and the receiver.

i can’t help but feel i am so super blessed to have such episodes and such stories to tell. i am glad that zhong has also found so much more blessings in her life after 2 years (or was it more?) in the wilderness.

hopefully, i will come out of mine soon enough.

 

and you, yah.. me and my negative talk about how this might not work out.

words cannot describe how i feel, haha. glad to know someone like you exists. not really sure where this might go, but i am incredibly thankful for this time and the lessons learnt. 🙂 and yes you are right, we need to be patient.

off day!

It’s been very long since i had an off day! And it’s going to be tomorrow. 🙂

Kinda thankful for the off day but i am actually thinking of how to fill it up LOL.

I went to church today feeling again first hand that I lost some people in my life – which is okay because I am kinda glad for it. We all should be glad for losing the ones who can’t care less about you when you are down and out and have nothing much to offer them.

It feels somewhat scary that my life is on a very different path now, one that I never expected. It is exciting and breathtaking and somewhat liberating, but part of me still holds on to what should have/could have been. 😐

Silly, I know. Still learning. 🙂

 

things

i want to remember: today i had movie marathon with j and e. never done this sorta thing before, but it was cosy, full of laughs and full of vegetables.

idw to remember: feeling like someone might leave soon. i regret that i am too burdensome and too broken to belong and be loved. feeling like i need to live up to perfection. feeling like i can’t be honest with people i love about who i am and what i feel and who i wish to be, because if i were to do that, they would leave.

unsure what this is

Thank God for the beautiful people He has placed in my life during this time.

Maybe it’s to teach me a lesson about insecurities? Maybe. Just, maybe.

I am glad for many things I guess – andddddd I suppose I should focus on them rather than the things that hurt.

It is the first week of 2017, and I do feel quite at ease with it. People have left, people I have blocked out, and people have tugged at my heart begging to be let in… or basically just stormed straight into my heart and decided that they are going to stay.

Times when I wonder if a friendship between two people of opposite sex can be truly platonic. I used to answer this with a resounding ‘Of course.’ but now, I am not sure. And I realised maybe this idea has brought me more hurts than comforts. I think this is also a season where I am learning more about friendships and what they should be, and why I have been so foolishly settling for less, time and time again, person after person.

All I humbly ask now, is that the good ones are here to stay, and they will try their best not to break my heart. Sometimes the little girl in me still second guesses them and still go back to that state of learned helplessness where I just settle for less – times when I am willing to compromise more than what I should so that I can have ‘friends’.

Here I am, freshly 26, and learning extremely precious lessons about friendships.

Some people proving true to the last fibre of their soul – probably with their own baggage too but loving me with all their might, and step up to the times where my heart bleeds uncontrollably and I thought I would never survive.

Some who just entered my life, so raw and new and slightly unaware of what a problematic and unlovable person I am, and always seem extremely ready to give more than I am willing to let them.

Some who only value what I can give them and the possibility that I can offer more. I am so beyond done with these, but I do think I have so much more to grow and learn about handling the robbers in my life. I have allowed them to take away so much of who I am and who I can be, and maybe 2016 was a year of me realising I can’t give beyond what I receive, and I can’t live in such debt forever.

Going back to whether friendships between two people of the opposite sex can be allowed – hard lah. For someone like me with a weak heart, it’s difficult. I fall in love too easily, and then I crash and burn in the flames, and appear again as a broken baby phoenix. Somewhat the same, but also somewhat different. I am afraid though, of making the same bloody mistake again. Perhaps so much so that I cut myself off willingly.

Well… probably not the wisest thing to do, but how else do you keep a heart of glass safe?

I know I know, so many loopholes in that one.

dumb drama…

I decided to watch this drama because I was curious to see how Gwang Soo acted. Then I realised he only played a supporting role but I really liked the lead actors, so I continued watching. The lead actor is just too good-looking to be true (seriously ridiculous imo), and shucks, his character is too charming. How not to fall for him even if his trauma only allows him to sleep peacefully in the bathroom?! (not a logical statement)

Sigh, good-looking guys with charming personalities…

It’s quite an interesting drama in the sense that the female lead insists on not giving away her virginity or sleeping with any guy she’s dating before marriage. She has a fear of falling in love too, I guess (I can identify with that). But she’s not doing it for religious reasons, haha. She refuses to do it because she has some psychological trauma from when she was a child, and thus suffers from anxiety disorders when it comes to any intense forms of affection like kissing or having sex.

I start this title the way I did because:

(1) i really thought the guy was super gentlemanly and has a good heart (despite his cover as a player), but in the end when they decided to go on a trip together, he decides to make a move and ask to sleep together

(2) and when that happened, the girl decided to go along with it despite all the moral reasons she tagged to guys wanting sex every time they get.

not cool

-_____-

dramas should stay as dramas, in a screen and out of real life and escapist fantasies.

 

back to real life