pretty good March I guess

i have rather mixed feelings about how March went, or rather, since the last time I posted.

I am glad I am alive! I am glad God is good. 🙂

Been learning a lot about myself, people and finding some thrill in diving into the Bible.

Decided to embark on another potentially pricey travel trip this year for the sake of my own sanity, and to figure out stuff with God. On some level, it might not be wise, but I think it is necessary for me to find an undisturbed zone or place away from the hustle of Singapore. To reset my heart and my soul 🙂

I am learning to love what I have been given, and to rejoice in the small things, and to rise to bigger things. Rediscovering the power of prayer and feeling brave enough to pray with authority and respect. Also, I have a desire to move into bigger and greater things God has prepared. But… in that, there’s always the small things to fulfill, and I need to learn to do those faithfully. 🙂

we found it backkkkk

went out with no. 3 tonight. idk why but it suddenly felt like forever since I enjoyed this ease and comfort and depth of sharing. so thankful for his honesty and his friendship. I thought we lost it over an incident a few week back. I thought I couldn’t lean on him but well, we all need a space to grow. And I guess, this was a season of growing for the both of us, and I am so glad that we still have what we have. And I hope we will always have what we have – naive, I know. But what’s the point of all these if there isn’t even something to work towards and strive for? Thanks for really being in my church and my community during these times. 🙂

Today was kinda special for many other reasons and I wish to remember every bit of it.

Thanks for heading down to Innisfree (yeah, a shop full of ladies) to buy my facial wash, and no thanks for complaining that my wash is expensive – because it is not. I know how you really hate such things, but you did it for me anyway – really appreciate you saving me a trip down, hahaha.

Thanks for making fun of my kiddy-ness and my new velcro shoes. I love how you are so uniquely you even when you are making fun of me – please don’t ever change this, it’s very infuriating to do all that arguing with you over my absolute grown-up-ness but also very entertaining at the same time. =D

Thanks for listening to all my stupid stories about weddings and life.

Thanks for showing interest in the work of the Kingdom and all your encouragements in helping me be a meaningful part of it. You do a lot more than you think you do, which is okay, haha.

Thanks for accepting me over and over again – with all those flaws.

The pleasure is mine. 🙂

 

well, i wouldn’t

well i wouldn’t say that timothy keller is life-changing. There really are some parts of his writing where I am just merely going through banter and I am not sure if there is any real point to be made.

But I am reading Prayer right now and some parts of it has been rather insightful, though I am not sure if anything really hits home. He uses very comfy language in my opinion, which, somewhat lacks oomph and conviction.

That said, I still feel my ideas about prayer are being challenged, and fresh stuff does enter my heart and soul.

David found the heart to pray when he received God’s Word of promise – that he would establish his throne and build him a house. Christians, however, have an infinitely greater Word of promise. God will not merely build us a house, he will make us HIS house. He will fill us with his presence, beauty and glory. Every time Christians merely remember who they are in Christ, that great word comes home to us and we will find, over and over, a heart to pray.

Chapter 4, Conversing with God

Prayer: Experience Awe and Intimacy with God, by Timothy Keller.

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I have been putting quite a bit of effort into my practice these days. It’s really tough to relearn the basics and having to go back and fix simple stuff like position, and posture. Sigh, I regret learning under other teachers in the past. So much to correct and so much to change, but slowly but surely, I have been making progress.

Still a long way to perfection but I will get there! shall be 99tenten soon

I am also trying to get back my entire routine. Been setting early alarms and trying to wake up early to run or just soak in the morning air. Reading. Journaling. Songwriting, even, on some days.

Thinking back to last year – I now have an almost entirely different set of friends and people I trust. But some have stayed and made the journey a bit easier. If anything, I am still very sure that God has something greater for me than what is before my eyes now, and I will continue to wait.

Yes, I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

My God is faithful, my God is faithful.

You Never Let Go by Matt Redman

beautiful

photo_2017-02-08_22-36-05I kinda counseled a girl today about her self-esteem and her own ideas of what it means to be beautiful.

and somehow i do really hate that i struggle with the same problem too. i remember me telling evangeline a year ago – that the solution to me being a me that i don’t like but i can’t avoid – is to know how much God loves me. to know and experience it so much that I can love myself more.

a year on – i am still struggling to see that i am beautiful in the eyes of the Creator.

and the ‘best’ thing is, i am not even sure what i am feeling insecure about. being single? yolo-ing through life? extended gap year in life? feeling inadequate on my social skills? feeling like i am not good enough for good guys or good friends? not talented enough? wanting some stability in so many things and not having it? not feeling like i have any direction?

there are many possibilities but idk why i am feeling kinda low about life in general. :/

 

then again…

it could be pms, haha

 

pls go away pms

things

i want to remember: today i had movie marathon with j and e. never done this sorta thing before, but it was cosy, full of laughs and full of vegetables.

idw to remember: feeling like someone might leave soon. i regret that i am too burdensome and too broken to belong and be loved. feeling like i need to live up to perfection. feeling like i can’t be honest with people i love about who i am and what i feel and who i wish to be, because if i were to do that, they would leave.

have a little faith

I knew people whose unbearable source of misery was their weight, their baldness, their lack of advancement in a workplace, or their inability to find the perfect mate, even if they themselves did not behave like one. To these people, unhappiness was a condition, an intolerable state of affairs.

Mitch Albom, in Have a Little Faith

isn’t there a right way to

find that someone?

aren’t there rules for the body to follow even when the heart cannot, or regardless of whether the heart wants to give in?

aren’t there things we must never ever give in to because it may cause misery and hurt and brokenness and irreparable damage to something so much deeper?

can’t we just hold it in and wait patiently?

can’t we just trust that the best will come and the best will be the one who does it right?

why do we allow ourselves to believe we deserve anything less than that?

or to believe that the person we supposedly love and who loves in return would deserve or require anything less than our best?

why do we continually choose speed and passion gratified over righteousness, hard-earned and hard-to-do respect and sweet patience?

why is there no value in ‘taking things slow’ and too much abuse in ‘let’s hang out and see where this goes.’?

why is waiting underrated while physical companionship and social status are over-glorified?

why do we rush into things and flee far far and away when our hearts get burnt in the quick fire?

why do we beg for things that aren’t for us? if you ever need to beg, that person is not worth it, and that person you want..is probably not the right person for you.

why do we merely settle for what’s available but not look forward to what God can bring to fruition, and trust in His timing?

why why why why is love so damn confusing and messy and burdensome, and why do we have such few examples to look up to?

what can we do? really, what can we do other than to go along with the tide?

what merit is there for us to go with the tide? what are we looking for, what do we want?

what are we made to enjoy?